Matt Gaetz Tried To Get Trump To Pardon Him For, You Know, Whatever
LEGAL TRIVIA: A 'blanket pardon' is not a pardon for whatever happens underneath Matt Gaetz's blankets.
Your daily update on the travails and escapades of Congressman Blabbercock starts ... NOW!
Turns out back when Donald Trump was president, toward the end of that smegma-stained era, our story's hero was barking up the president's tree for a pre-emptive pardon. You know, in case anything came up.
The New York Times reports:
In the final weeks of Mr. Trump's term, Mr. Gaetz sought something in return. He privately asked the White House for blanket pre-emptive pardons for himself and unidentified congressional allies for any crimes they may have committed, according to two people told of the discussions.
Blanket pre-emptive pardons! For what? Oh just whatever. For whom? Matt Gaetz and all these other GOP congressmen. Just in case! Pardon us all together! For FREEDOM! Maybe literally!
The Times notes that Gaetz was during that time period publicly calling for pardons for ERRBODY, obviously because of the "bloodlust" from the "radical Left":
Two weeks after Mr. Trump lost re-election, Mr. Gaetz called on him to "pardon everyone" before he left office or they would be targeted by the "radical left."
"He should pardon the Thanksgiving turkey," Mr. Gaetz said of Mr. Trump on Fox News. "He should pardon everyone from himself to his administration officials to Joe Exotic if he has to," Mr. Gaetz added[.]
Of course, the investigation into Gaetz, the one started by Donald Trump's Justice Department, into possible sex trafficking of a 17-year-old minor girl , had already begun. Did Gaetz know about the investigation at that point? Maybe, who knows, but it seems likely considering how the DOJ was interviewing people he knew. The Times 's sources, including people from Trumpworld, are saying they think Gaetz was trying to get blanket pardoned in a group of people perhaps maybe as a way to hide his own personal, ahem, issues in the crowd. Maybe it's like the Where's Waldo books, except Waldo is a DOJ investigation into possible sex trafficking of a 17-year-old minor girl .
The Times reports Gaetz didn't tell the White House he was under investigation, and that "top White House lawyers and officials viewed the request for a pre-emptive pardon as a nonstarter that would set a bad precedent." Because that is what they were always so concerned about in the Trump White House, setting bad precedents. They also really hated politicizing the Justice Department. Peee YEW .
Did Trump personally receive Gaetz's request? He found out about it from "aides," says the Times . Did Gaetz climb up Trump's asshole and sit on the begging perch up there and personally beg for it, from within Trump's asshole? Unclear. Did somebody whisper in Trump's ear and fill him in on what was really going on at the Justice Department regarding his good buddy Matt Gaetz? Also unclear, but definitely refer to what we just said about the Trump administration hating politicizing DOJ.
At least as far as we know, Gaetz did not get a pre-emptive pardon, unless Trump did some sort of secret last minute pardons we won't know about until we know about them.
Gaetz, through his spox — obviously, not the one who resigned last week — denies he begged the White House for a pre-emptive pardon for him and all his friends.
"Entry-level political operatives have conflated a pardon call from Representative Gaetz — where he called for President Trump to pardon 'everyone from himself, to his administration, to Joe Exotic' — with these false and increasingly bizarre, partisan allegations against him," the spokesman said in a statement.
Of course, Gaetz has been denying a lot of things the past couple weeks. (UPDATE: Trump is nowalso denying Gaetz asked him for a pardon, while offering a lukewarm defense of Gaetz, saying only that Gaetz has denied all the things.)
Gaetz has often bragged about how close he is to Trump — the Times quotes a passage from his book where he boasts about taking calls from Trump both while "on the throne" and also while "in the throes of passion," that's right, you have to think about Matt Gaetz cumming in this paragraph too — and he really did his part to advance Trump's Fascist Big Lie that he won an election he actually lost in a landslide. Funny, then, that Gaetz was also simultaneously behind the scenes looking for a blanket pre-emptive pardon, if he was truly certain Trump had really won the election and would ultimately prevail. He just needed that pardon right now! Because Deep State AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Trump hasn't been particularly forthcoming with support for Gaetz ever since Congressman Blabbercock's scandals jizzed out into the open last week. But it sounds like Gaetz is still craving Trump Daddy's approval, as he will be keynoting a "Women For America First" event at Trump's Doral resort this Friday. (And no, "Women For America First" is not one of the adult friend finder websites Gaetz's buddy Joel Greenberg allegedly used to help hire sexy ladies for himself and for Gaetz, with whom he "shared more than one girlfriend," as a new Politico story puts it. Women For America First is one of the groups that organized the hate rally that became the Capitol terrorist attack. Two different Justice Department investigations entirely!)
The event, part of the "Save America" summit, is going to be called "BBQ, Boots & Bluegrass"! So that sounds festive!
Gaetz is also fundraising off his current predicament, because GRIFTERS GONNA. From a new fundraising email:
"The far-left New York Times has been publishing salacious allegations against me in an attempt to end my career fighting for the forgotten men and women of this country," the email read. "It is a shame that the Left tries to drag my dating life into their political attacks, but it's no surprise – when your ideas suck, you have to stoop this low."
His "dating life."
These Gaetz leaks are becoming a tsunami, everybody get out of the pool for your own damn safety.
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