I was thinking about it just last night, and I found that I still hold myself fully responsible for not saying to stop. My partner wasn't trying to harm me, but he was testing the limits of our boundaries, and I wanted to give him everything. I am not saying I blame myself, but it is all so much more complicated than, "He should have asked for your consent yadda yadda yadda."
For a very long time it was other people who were much clearer than I was about “complicated =\= your fault.” I was terrified of disclosing my story and having people repeat the same things I was saying in my head, “Well, you were an adult so it doesn’t matter that he was a priest, you’re just jealous that he didn’t pick you in the end (he used basically the whole 20s-ish female population of the parish as a harem), you didn’t say no, etc.” A couple of times that did happen and it was horrible, but most of the time I’d outline the basics—usually bending over backwards to be generous to him, because yay female socialization—and people would immediately go, “Omg, what a bastard.” Honestly #metoo was a huge part of me finally being able to internalize that power differentials matter and complicated doesn’t mean not-abusive.
Male allies can be really important, especially when there are still a maddening number of women who victim-blame, minimize how much power differentials can matter, etc. I really appreciated the way Stephen wrote about that awful, tangled mess of resistance/resignation/career-and-self-preservation that too many of us know with such empathy and without the slightest hint of, “Well, maybe that’s kinda sorta consent.” There’s a kind of relief when a man just...gets it...like that, like somebody’s come and grabbed one handle of the bag of rocks you’ve been carrying around.
I've never been a Today viewer and always thought Lauer looked like a creep. I suppose the only one of these men (I use the term loosely) who surprised me was Eric Schneiderman.
Maybe back in Lincoln's day?? (I'm definitely stretching here...)
He looks so cleancut, and can be so foul.
I like comedian Jimmy Carr's heckler response:
If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth 😂😂😂
Dude, rethink this. Then delete it. You'll be glad you did.
Yes. And yet those of us who have blocked him still have to wade through and try to avoid tons of responses to him every day. It's annoying.
No. Not sure that even makes sense. But thanks for your concern.
I was thinking about it just last night, and I found that I still hold myself fully responsible for not saying to stop. My partner wasn't trying to harm me, but he was testing the limits of our boundaries, and I wanted to give him everything. I am not saying I blame myself, but it is all so much more complicated than, "He should have asked for your consent yadda yadda yadda."
The gym, coffee shops, Meetup groups, art classes. Whatever you want a woman to be into, go to that place.
Yeah, that ain't happening. Disabled and poor means I don't go far, often, or for long.
For a very long time it was other people who were much clearer than I was about “complicated =\= your fault.” I was terrified of disclosing my story and having people repeat the same things I was saying in my head, “Well, you were an adult so it doesn’t matter that he was a priest, you’re just jealous that he didn’t pick you in the end (he used basically the whole 20s-ish female population of the parish as a harem), you didn’t say no, etc.” A couple of times that did happen and it was horrible, but most of the time I’d outline the basics—usually bending over backwards to be generous to him, because yay female socialization—and people would immediately go, “Omg, what a bastard.” Honestly #metoo was a huge part of me finally being able to internalize that power differentials matter and complicated doesn’t mean not-abusive.
IK, R? &, he does indeed laugh like a sexual predator (Scottish accent) 😱😱😱
Male allies can be really important, especially when there are still a maddening number of women who victim-blame, minimize how much power differentials can matter, etc. I really appreciated the way Stephen wrote about that awful, tangled mess of resistance/resignation/career-and-self-preservation that too many of us know with such empathy and without the slightest hint of, “Well, maybe that’s kinda sorta consent.” There’s a kind of relief when a man just...gets it...like that, like somebody’s come and grabbed one handle of the bag of rocks you’ve been carrying around.
I've never been a Today viewer and always thought Lauer looked like a creep. I suppose the only one of these men (I use the term loosely) who surprised me was Eric Schneiderman.
And now I'm crying actual tears because this is exactly what I knew would happen. Fucking fuckers.
Ellen used to have him on her show and said he was a great pal so he must be just fine right ?
"Hell no asshole."