Mayor Mustache. Tabs, Tuesday, ELECTION DAY, Nov. 3, 2026

Let’s have a day!

Nov 03, 2026

Quick programming note: TONIGHT for the election returns, I, Evan, am going to liveblog, probably with the assistance of other people, and also probably we will stop typing entirely and just “go live on Substack” like all the kids are saying these days. So show up for that! A couple polls close at 6 p.m ET, but not many, the big ones start closing at 7 p.m. so let’s start it then-ish.

Oh, and second programming note: We are up to 97 new paid subscribers in our membership drive! The prizes start at 100! Let’s finish strong this week! Click the membership box below!

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MORAL HIGH GROUND TUESDAY: For this Election Day, I could not have been more THRILLED to write about Brent Taylor, the beady-eyed little inflamed hemorrhoid who’s running to be the white Republican boss of all the Black voters in the newly gerrymandered Tennessee Ninth District. Seems he’s got a little “sending people pictures of his penis” problem! But you can’t get mad, he was just a little boy of 53 at the time! Anyway, this is the piece of shit who’s running against Justin Pearson — Tennessee Three Justin Pearson, who is amazing — in the Ninth, AKA the district in Memphis where I vote. Get on over there and read and subscribe and share! [The Moral High Ground]

Not sure if you’ve heard but the most important thing in America right now is that Zohran Mamdani has a new mustache, or rather he removed the beard that was concealing the greatness hiding in plain sight, and anyway, here it is.

And now you are gone, in your bunk, and will miss Election Day entirely.

But yes, Election Day!

Let’s talk about what we need to watch for early on to see what kind of night we are going to have. Tara Palmeri’s Instagram says we’re watching for Abdul’s race (obviously) in Michigan, governor and senator in Ohio, and Georgia governor. If we win all those, the rest of the night is going to be HOLYSHITAMAZING. [Tara Palmeri]

Meanwhile here is Axios with some cheat sheat. [Axios on Instagram]

You see why we say we’ll start at 7 p.m. ET with the coverage!

Now, what if you start watching at 6 p.m.? Well, the New York Times says to look for what happens in Kentucky’s Sixth Congressional District, which is Lexington metro and some other areas. Donald Trump won it by 15 in 2024. This year it could tell us whether Democrats are going to kick ass or eat it. Anyway, this is their guide to poll closings. [New York Times]

Want more great charts about the night and how to watch the results? Here is MORE GREAT CHARTS. For nerds! (You). [Bruce Mehlman’s Age of Disruption]

Lots of fun stories already coming out about who Republicans have decided to blame for their shitty night that has not happened yet. [Axios / Politico]

GOOD.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s closing argument yesterday was that he is going to rename the Reflecting Pool. To what? The Reflecting Trump! Or something. A lot of people don’t know “pool” and “Trump” both have a “P” in them. [Guardian]

The new Kennedy Center honorees are out and they are just as sad and D-list and “Wait, I thought he was dead!” as you’d expect. [Rockum]

Secretary Shitfaced Hegseth is so good at being Defense secretary that over half the military would like to quit early. [New Republic]

He also reportedly lies to Daddy about how the war in Iran is going. What a horrible, horrible, disappointing son he has turned out to be. [Atlantic]

“Fact Check: Abdul El-Sayed Did NOT Say ‘Your Daughters Are Going To See Male Genitalia Anyway, So Who Cares If They See It In Their Locker Room’.” [Lead Stories]

OK, it’s Shut The Fuck Up time, party of Haley Stevens!

Don Jr. with a grave warning that Democrats are going to make Ohio a state.

Here is Glenn Beck’s closing midterms message, it is about Red Baron frozen pizza and tears.