McConnell Could Have Shivved Trump. Now Trump's Shivving The GOP.

Good Morning, Mitch McConnell! This ... is your life.

For the second time in two years, Donald Trump has denied Senator Mitch McConnell the speaker's gavel. The supposed mastermind of the GOP is discovering that the only thing worse than weeks of shitting yourself from anti-parasitic medicine is being devoured from the inside by a ravenous orange worm and its million MAGA-tty spawn.

Nevada Democratic Senator Catherine Cortez Masto squeaked out a win over the weekend, besting Trump's handpicked candidate Adam Laxalt, the former state attorney general. Trump endorsed Laxalt more than a year ago as payback for supporting lies about election fraud in the state President Joe Biden won by 2.4 percent, more or less exactly the same margin as Hillary Clinton in 2016. Unless someone dies or changes parties — don't even think about it, Kyrsten Sinema! — Chuck Schumer will be majority leader for the rest of Biden's term, no matter what happens in the Georgia runoff.

And Mitch saw this shit coming a mile off.

"I think there’s probably a greater likelihood the House flips than the Senate. Senate races are just different — they're statewide, candidate quality has a lot to do with the outcome,” he said . And no one had to ask what he meant, since we were all too busy LOL-ing at the pack of dipshits Trump was dumping on the GOP. So in Pennsylvania, where Republicans could have had a normal rich dude like David McCormick, they got saddled with that quack Oz. In a likely doomed attempt to shiv sitting Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski, he stuck them with that loon Kelly Tshibaka in Alaska. And in Georgia, where Republicans could have had literally anyone else , Trump forced Herschel Walker on the GOP.

Trump's interference was most destructive to his own party in Arizona, where Democrats may have swept every statewide office besides treasurer. Sitting Governor Doug Ducey and AG Mark Brnovich got crosswise with Trump for failing to overturn the election results in 2020, depriving the GOP of two people who'd have been able to mount a serious challenge to Democratic Senator Mark Kelly. Ducey never declared at all, and Brnovich lost the Senate primary to Peter Thiel's sock puppet Blake Masters.

Hey, Politico , tell us how shitty a candidate Masters was:

During the summer, STEVEN LAW, the head of a McConnell-aligned super PAC, told the financier PETER THIEL, who had spent millions supporting Mr. Masters, that Mr. Masters had scored the worst focus group results of any candidate he had ever seen, according to people familiar with the conversation. Mr. Law’s group later canceled all of its Arizona television reservations.

Having seen Blake Masters's ads for ourselves, can confirm !

Republicans have begun pointing fingers at each other, with allies of McConnell and NRSC Chair Senator Rick Scott racing to slag each other to reporters. As if there was any amount of money McConnell could have dumped into Arizona to drag that replicant Masters over the finish line.

 Democracy itself is also apparently bad now that the GOP can win the popular vote and not take the Senate. (Also, treat yourself to this primal whimper from some dipshit at American Greatness. Truly, a classic of the genre!)

“Trump acolyte/Big Lie pusher Matt Schlapp, with no self-awareness: “You know what the definition of a democracy is? The person who gets the most votes gets to win.” Complains that Dems got less than 50% of vote, “They seem to win all the close races. That’s really not democracy.””

— Eric Kleefeld (becoming a parody of myself) (@Eric Kleefeld (becoming a parody of myself)) 1668436498 

 Oh, boo fuckin' hoo . Hillary Clinton and Al Gore won the popular vote, and those assholes stacked the Supreme Court for a generation.

Of course, the blame lies with all of the above — except democracy, she can stay! Yes , Trump saddled the party with shit candidates. Yes , Rick Scott was a hilariously incompetent leader of the NRSC. And yes , Mitch McConnell is responsible for this shit, because he more than anyone in America had the chance to get rid of Trump once and for all in the second impeachment, and he didn't do it. He could have disqualified Trump from future office by nutting up and finding nine more votes for impeachment. If McConnell and his Minority Whip Senator John Thune had stepped up, they could have found seven more votes to punish Trump for whipping up a mob to mount a coup. They chose not to, and now that raving orange lunatic has fucked them for another cycle in preparation to bone them again in 2024. And, hell, maybe Trump will make good on his promise to announce tomorrow , just in case Republicans had ideas about making the Georgia Senate run-off a thing. 

"Former President Trump's actions preceding the riot were a disgraceful dereliction of duty," McConnell tut-tutted just moments after voting to acquit him, effectively handing the reins of the GOP over to Trump for as long as he lives. So, congrats, Mitch. You did this to yourself. It's no longer your circus, your monkey. It's his circus now, and you're the monkey dancing to his demented tune.

Follow Liz Dye on Twitter!

Click the widget to keep your Wonkette ad-free and feisty. And if you're ordering from Amazon, use this link, because reasons .

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .