Melania Robot Teacher Be Best. Tabs, Wed., April 1, 2026

No April foolin' here, that shit's annoying. Morning news roundup!

Lol Martini Glambassador :)

Good morning good morning! What are we on about today?

Judge rules Trump doesn’t even own the White House, how is that even legal. (Ruling)

Oh, were the Capitol Police too rough with the January 6ers who were bear-spraying them and beating them with flagpoles? The DOJ will think so when it gives millions of our dollars to the mob suing the cops! (Politico)

Today the Supreme Court is hearing Trump v. Barbara, to decide whether we should have a sub-citizen class of people born here, so we can be more like Qatar. (Washington Monthly) Hey, who are the legal scholars providing their fig leaves for this absolute bullshit? Meet them! (Mother Jones)

Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers vetoed five anti-trans bills, so I’m giving you that link instead of the Supreme Court horror show banning anti-conversion-therapy bans. (Erin in the Morning)

The Pope needs to excommunicate adult convert JD Vance, who has a new book about “his faith” coming out and apparently being publicly scolded by two separate popes in one year didn’t teach him his lesson. (AP)

Dumb Pope just keeps forgetting that Jesus LOVED war! (Letters From Leo)

Yeah, I can buy Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez’s hypothesis that Ghislaine Maxwell wasn’t Epstein’s poor little girlfriend but rather was the brains/boss/handler. Same with his last girlfriend, and heir, some brainy Russian chick. Unsure about the Texas political wife, Mary Catherine Huffines, but could be her too! (Alisa Writes)

Candace Owens presumably having real normal one on this Charlie Kirk bullet filing. (People)

Jimbob and Ofjimbob Duggar have spoken out about their second son to be caught messing with children, and it is (mostly) what you’d think: They ain’t saying jack shit except that they’re “praying” and “loving,” but surprisingly they’re not blaming liberals for their having raised more than one child-diddler and or child sex abuse materialer. Don’t know why Joseph’s wife Kendra has also been arrested (they say she didn’t do any kid-messing, but she is charged with “four counts of endangering the welfare of a minor in the second degree and four counts of false imprisonment in the second degree” like what even the fuck). (People)

We love to blame presidents for the economy, don’t we folks? But Trump is actually the only one since Herbert Hoover who actually manifested the economy in his image, on purpose. He’s a Great Man of History! And it doesn’t even mention the crypto grifts! (Paul Waldman)

The subprime AI crisis sounds GREAT! (Where’s Your Ed At) Oh hey you know who was screaming EARLY about the housing market before 2008? YA GIRL. (OC Weekly)

Texas has banned “smokable THC” which is … different from marijuana I guess? But still allows edibles and those cannabis drinks and whatnot, so that seems much worse. (Houston Chronicle)

People, stop grifting kids with terrible “events,” Barbie Dream Fest edition! (Complex)

Melania Robot Teacher :/ (Amanda Marcotte at Salon) Now treat yourself to Melania Robot Teacher but funny. (Gift link The Atlantic)

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