Miami Mayor You Just Heard Of Ducks Possible Indictment With Cool Presidential Run

Another Florida man throws his hat in the ring.

Another contestant has entered the race to lose against the twice-impeached, twice-indicted Donald Trump. Miami Mayor Francis Suarez — more commonly known as “Who?” — has launched his own bid for the Republican presidential nomination. Miami is in Florida, which currently has more presidential candidates than alligators, though the carnivorous reptiles are preferable. Gov. Ron DeSantis has the lock on second place and Trump is still the far and away favorite, even if he might accept the nomination while wearing an ankle bracelet.

Suarez is different, though. He bills himself as a “unifier,” which he demonstrates in a campaign launch ad that mockingly begins with a "warning” screen that states, “This video contains graphic content that liberals may find disturbing.” We’re then treated to more garbage about dystopian crime levels in the burning remains of Democratic-run cities. Suarez boasts about Miami’s declining crime rates during his tenure as mayor. This is a lovely story but like my 1990 marriage to Michelle Pfeiffer, it’s all fantasy. In 2021, New York City recorded 5.76 murders, 456 violent crimes and 757 property crimes per 100,000 residents. Miami had 10.68 murders, 615 violent crimes and 3,044 property crimes per 100,000 people, or what we call "double to four times the crime."

Nonetheless, Suarez, 45, seems to think he can magically reduce crime nationwide, which is what every Republican says. He has a decent record of building positive business relationships in Florida, a strong contrast to DeSantis who has waged war on the state’s largest employer, Disney. Suarez argues that he can perform strongly with the Hispanic vote and not just because of his Cuban heritage. He thinks he can appeal to moderates because he’s not overtly bat crap crazy. Hey, his campaign will focus on fighting climate change, which sets him apart from most of his Republican rivals. However, Republican strategists don’t see that as an advantage.

PREVIOUSLY:  Buncha Idiots Went To Miami To Wave Pig Heads On Sticks, And Wonkette Was There! 

 Matthew Isbell, an elections consultant in Florida, said, “Suarez on climate change isn’t going to play well in a primary. It might play well in a general, but if you can’t get past the primary, it doesn’t matter.”

"He’s going to have to appeal to a lot of steadfast conservatives that do not care that the city of Miami got new development," Isbell added. "Voters in West Virginia don’t care, voters in Indiana don’t care and, frankly, voters in Key West don’t care."

See, you have to actively court the idiot vote when you’re running for Head Idiot. That’s just Politics 101.

We should’ve expected Suarez was planning a presidential run because he visited New Hampshire in April when it’s still the dead of winter. He told the audience at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics, "I want to do something radical, which I'm not sure anybody's ever done. I did this in Iowa, and people kind of freaked out. The cameras are on, so this may be broadcast, so it's even more radical … “

Get your head out of the gutter, he just gave the audience his personal cellphone number. He was probably going for folksy, but he came off more bonedead stupid.

Still, he is more personable than DeSantis, who he claims (correctly) “seems to struggle with relationships, generally.” Suarez said, “I look people in the eye when I shake their hands.” I’d definitely buy a pre-owned car from him.

Suarez reportedly voted for DeSantis’s Democratic opponent, Andrew Gillum, in 2018, but apparently DeSantis’s fascist charm won him over and he voted for the governor last year. Hedidn’tvote for Trump in 2020, though, and that might damage him more in the primary than believing climate change is real.

He also knows COVID-19 is real from firsthand experience. He was one of the first elected officials in 2020 to contract the disease and was up front about it in online videos.

Suarez’s father Xavier Suarez, a Democrat, was mayor in the 1980s and 1990s. The younger Suarez was elected in 2017 and re-elected in a landslide in 2021.

Miami is not a big city comparatively. (It has a smaller population than Raleigh, North Carolina.) The job of mayor is actually somewhat part time and mostly ceremonial. He can veto legislation, which is more than you can do, and has hire/fire authority over the city manager. However, he doesn’t have a vote on the five-member City Commission and voters have declined to give him stronger powers.

Oh, he’s also possibly corrupt. He’s a cryptocurrency enthusiast — hardly encouraging — and critics claim he spends more time speaking at related conferences than doing his actual job. That’s a disappointing contrast to his father, who was known as the “pothole mayor” because of his focus on — get ready for a surprise — fixing the city’s potholes.

The Miami Herald reported just last month that Suarez had received at least $80,000 in a side hustle as a consultant for the developer Location Ventures. The developer then paid him $170,000 “to help cut through red tape and secure critical permits.” This is all far more than the mayor’s $97,000 salary. Similar sketchiness cost Oregon Secretary of State Shemia Fagan her job, so maybe she should run for president.

The FBI is currently investigating the relationship between Location Ventures and Suarez. This is usually not the best environment in which to launch a national campaign, but Trump really has lowered the bar to subterranean levels.

[ New York Times / NBC News ]

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