Michelle Obama Feeds Children 'Dried Fruit' at White House Halloween 'Party'

Happy Halloween! Did you take advantage of the one day on which you can worship Satan and pass out razor blade candy, without feeling the least bit guilty? Well that's very comforting, because possibly thousands of small children attended a White House Halloween veggie potluck, and it was probably the worst night of their young lives. There is overwhelming evidence that this so-called White House Halloween Rave was actually just Michelle Obama handing out bags of dried fruit. Dried fruit ? ("Muslim Skittles"?) We hope more than anything that those kids chose "trick" and then egged the shit out of the White House. Or maybe they ate all the dried prunes and then took massive poops on the White House lawn, out of spite. That would also be appropriate.

The White House, working in conjunction with the National Park Foundation, arranged for a variety of actives including a dress-up booth and face painting. Howls and spooky sound effects played throughout the evening as children and parents walked along the pumpkin-lined driveway while pirate-costumed Potholes Brass Band played festive music. A swarm of fabricated bats dangled from the light above the North Portico entryway as Frankenstein, Dracula and Wolfman took turns posing for pictures.

These poor children, traumatized by swarms of "fabricated bats" and forced to pose with blood-sucking monsters and half-breed furries. Barry didn't even dress up, and Michelle wore a festive "sweater." (Maybe she was going as "Noam Chomsky"?) Weak sauce, Obamas. Weak sauce. [ Fox ]