Michelle Obama Will Cram Gay Sportsball Player Down America's Throat During State Of The Union

Were you hoping for a complete wingnut implosion over this year's State of the Union? Oh come on of course you were, because otherwise that thing is just so boring. You really need something like a "YOU LIE" or baby Scalia aka Sam Alito eye roll to make your night complete. This year, expect maximum levels of freakout over the fact that a blackity black black gay sportsball player is going to sit in the Presidential Box with Michelle Obama during the SOTU.

First Lady Michelle Obama's guest list for her husband's State of the Union Address has been released, and several members of the sports community will be in attendance. Jason Collins, the first openly gay active NBA player, and two survivors of the Boston Marathon bombing will join the first lady in the presidential box as President Obama addresses the nation on Tuesday night.

Shhh. Listen. Do you hear it? That's the sound of a thousand inexplicably still employed right wing hacks sharpening their pencils and dulling their minds so they can use this opportunity to explain how this is just like Obama got up and dick-slapped our lord Jesus Christ right there on stage, because, as Ben Shapiro so astutely noted when Collins came out, if you refuse to use religion to shame the homosexuals, you hate God.

Not only is Bamz going to let that gay black sportsthug sully the Presidential Box, apparently the Kenyan Muslim is also going to force everyone to get gay married during the SOTU by (horror of horrors!) actually talking about gay rights. How will the Republic and Jesus withstand such brutal attacks?

Also in the box this year are Boston Marathon survivors, the fire chief from Moore, Oklahoma, DC's teacher of the year, and that kid who invented the extreme marshmallow cannon that shot marshmallows across the East Room of the White House.

We love that kid, but Michelle Obama will probably wreck it all by dunking on Jason Collins and mean-mugging for the camera like the thug she is. 

This would never have happened under Zombie Ronald Reagan. America weeps.

[ SB Nation / USA Today ]