Midterm Elections Ruined by Rich and Pasty Old People
Who made John Boehner our chain-smokin' Orange Overseer? Crusty, rich white people who don't use deodorant and have cabbage breath, according to a new and probably unnecessary study! It's sort of silly that old people voted for all these deranged weirdos who want to make Medicare and probably even bingo night illegal, because without these two things old people will shrivel up and die like sad snails trapped in a giant jar of salt. Meanwhile, landline phones screwed up every midterm poll, since only ancient Republicans use those tethered banana phones from the Stone Age. Anyway, thanks for nothing, wrinkly white trust fund grannies. [ McClatchy ]
Incoming Republican congresspeople received a 144-page brochure about proper Congressional Etiquette, penned by none other than Young Glock Eric Cantor. One of the first suggestions is "read and re-read the U.S. Constitution." This time for real! [ The Hill ]
Nate Silver says that Sarah Palin is automatically our next president, because so many people type her name into search engines every day. This claim is extremely suspect. If there was a direct correlation between Internet searches and political clout, wouldn't "Bristol Palin DWTS Tentacle Sex" be (at least) Secretary of State? Yes, indeed. [ NYT ]
"...tethered banana phones from the Stone Age..." Thank you Raffi!
That's some funny stuff, Riley! Almost makes me forget Julie.
Almost.
Meanwhile, the landlines do seem to not cause quite so much brain cancer (why leave it to chance? Stick that receiver in your ear full time!).
Let us bear in mind that historically, a well-rounded woman with an incipient panniculus was a thing of beauty.