Mike Huckabee Cannot Believe He Isn't President Yet

He's got a little of issues with you people

Republicans of Iowa, you have really let down Mike Huckabee. After he waddled to victory in your precious 2008 caucus, he done reckoned you'd have crowned him Miss King Butter Cow 2016 by now, but noooooooo, you fickle corn-sucking bastards:  

"This has been, of all the election cycles I’ve been involved in, this has been one of the most bewildering, because it’s almost as if the more experience, the more preparation one has had for this job, it’s almost like it’s a detriment than it is an asset," Huckabee told a crowd in Urbandale.

[contextly_sidebar id="9wuGiNLT24UWBd8weHnXXwB5CcJCUeQw"]After all Huckabee has done for you, Iowa: shoving deep-fried-shit-on-a-stick food stuffs down his throat at all your fairs year after year; governing some other state called Arkansas to gain the necessary experience to awe you; yap flapping all over Fox "News" on your behalf, against the elitist sodomites of East and West Coastistan; and of course pallin' around with kid-diddlers,but in a god-fearin' values-y sort of way. And let us never forget, because he will never let us, that he "defeated" "The Clinton Machine," which is maybe or perhaps even probably aware of his existence, by not being murdered by Socks The Cat.

But none of that counts anymore. Instead, Iowa is swooning for some schmuck from New York, which isn't even real America, with no record of success at being governor of Arkansas. And lately Iowa's been jizzing to some other schmuck, whose experience as a senator from Texas (a state that admittedly is almost as real America as Arkansas) also doesn't count, for reasons:

"We’ve got some people on the ballot who have been in the Senate, been in the Congress. If you want to blame them, go ahead. You can’t blame me because I didn’t govern in Washington," he said.

[contextly_sidebar id="2SFaweER0QJn4DrdKsgripelElLVyPHV"]Not naming (Ted Cruz) any names (Ted Cruz) or anything (he's talking about Ted Cruz), but having experience in the Senate is not the kind of experience voters should crave, because the Senate is located in Washington DC, which is just one gimungous strip club where Huck doesn't get to touch the good stuff, no matter how many dollar bills he shoves into lady panties.

The good news, says Huck, is that no one has actually voted yet, so there's still time for the idiots of Iowa, whom he loves dearly, each and every one, to wake up and smell the ethanol and realize that Mike Huckabee is the only candidate with the experience and preparation of being Mike Huckabee.

Huckabee shrugged off his position in the polls Sunday, however, saying the election's entire dynamic can change once Iowans caucus on Feb. 1.

"Until they vote, the template has not been set. Once they vote, things get really interesting," Huckabee said.

No reason to think Huckabee's going to suffer a humiliating defeat a month from now. Sure, polls show he's in damn near bottom place in Iowa, but the Republican base who has remained unwaveringly devoted to Pretty Much Everyone Who Isn't Huck might change its mind. YOU DON'T KNOW, IT COULD HAPPEN. And then once Huck rises to the top, past all the other non-Huck rookie fakers, this snoozefest of a primary race will finally get interesting, at least for everyone named Huckabee.

[ Des Moines Register ]