Mike Johnson Is Unaware Of The Earth Being Cast Into Total Darkness. Hey, He's Been Busy.
Quit bugging him, you media vultures!
Okay, we’ll take some questions now. Martha?
Well, I haven’t seen a proposal of any sort. Again, we have plenty of plans for healthcare. Excellent plans. We always were going to present them in October and November and see if we could hash something out. Anyone who says otherwise is a dirty liar. But the Democrats must reopen the government first. Our hands are tied until that happens.
Jim?
No, I don’t know any of the details about the president demanding the government pay him $230 million. I just heard about it a minute ago. I’m going to want to look into the details and get back to you tomorrow. We’ve got a lot going on around here.
Elizabeth?
No, I haven’t seen the president’s tweets today. I’ve been a little busy.
Well, thank you for that description. What do I say to that? I’d say that the president uses social media for satire better than anyone. I’m sure the video of ... what was it again? Right. I’m sure the video of Hakeem Jeffries strapped to the Capitol dome while crows pecked out his liver was meant in jest. People get so excited about this stuff, it’s ridiculous. I wish they would get as excited about pressuring Democrats to let us get back to work.
What kind of message do I think it sends? Again, I haven’t seen it, so I won’t comment on its explicitness or whether it might traumatize small children. You know what really traumatizes small children? Transgender people. Maybe go ask the Democrats if shutting down the government is worth traumatizing our kids.
Samantha?
No. When did this happen?
Okay, well, like I’ve said, I’ve had a lot going on this morning. So I didn’t see that the president had several of his enemies guillotined on the South Lawn. Well, I’m sure it was easy. I’m sure he was gloating, Adam Schiff does have a weak and skinny pencil neck. Had a weak and skinny pencil neck
My opinion? Again, I’d have to hear more details. But the president has certain authorities under our constitutional system of government. One of those authorities is murdering his political opponents, whether it’s for voting against his priorities in Congress, whether it’s demanding the release of the Epstein files, or whether it’s for sassing him. Maybe his TV told him to do it, I don’t know. It’s simply not my place to question him.
The Republican Party is united here in our support of whatever bloody horrors President Trump visits upon his foes. We’ve been united since the beginning of this administration, and we will continue to be united.
Tanya?
I just saw a headline on the way in, I haven’t dug into it yet. But the president is the greatest builder this country has ever seen. If he thinks his ballroom needs a sluice gate and an entire system for draining the blood of his enemies into some sort of underground cistern where it can be stored for use in whatever these ceremonies he talks about are, I’m certainly not the one to second-guess him.
Why not? Because he is the only one who can decipher the runes in the Necronomicon. The president is the greatest deliverer of prophecy to this fallen world. That’s why the American people gave him such a resounding, historic victory last November.
No, we’ve got enough to do on Capitol Hill. We don’t need those distractions.
Keith?
I just heard about that as I was walking in the room. No, the president did not consult Congress before summoning Azathoth, the monstrous nuclear chaos beyond angled space. Nor did he consult us before summoning Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, to feast on Washingtonians unlucky enough to be caught out in the darkness of a moonless night. I’ve been pretty busy; I don’t really have time to worry about the president summoning the Elder Gods. That’s really a question for the White House.
Listen, we’ve got our hands full here. We’re not even in charge of Congress. The Democrats are. Yeah, we’ve got majorities, but in the Senate you need 60 votes to pass anything. So really, they are in charge of making it so we can turn the lights back on and get SNAP benefits flowing again. You should ask Jeffries and Schumer about any required blood sacrifices to drive the evil out of this dimension.
Tom?
Say that again? Azathoth summoned a massive eruption of the Yellowstone caldera, vaporizing everything in a 300-mile radius and throwing enough ash into the sky to cast the world into a years-long darkness that will result in the mass starvation of billions of people? No, this is the first I’m hearing about it.
Well, as I keep saying, there is a lot going on. We have all been busy explaining to our constituents why the Democrats are so insistent that illegal aliens have healthcare that they were willing to shut down the government so that WIC recipients can’t get their benefits.
All right, I know we all have a busy day of terror ahead. We’ll see you back here tomorrow if the Elder Gods allow it.
If you donate to Wonkette, we’ll put in a good word for you with Azathoth the Daemon-Sultan.
Ia! Ia! Ia Cthulhu ftaghn!
Because let's face it, the Old Ones would be LESS terrifyingly problematic than the current Reign of Misrule.
Oh Gary. You are such a delightful satirist.