Mike Johnson Knows Who Is Just Like Moses, It Is Himself

Thinking you're the main character is God's story is a special kind of insane.

Dec 07, 2023

Is there a holiday going on where God’s clearance rack white conservative men celebrate by comparing themselves and their friends to people who are way out of their league? This morning, we had the story of Steve Bannon comparing his dear friend and forever not-so-secret Santa Mike “Pillow” Lindell to Taylor Swift. It’s probably a comparison you’ve thought of before, they are so similar.

Now somebody has nominated himself as the new Moses, surprise it is lunatic Christian extremist fucktroll Mike Johnson, the least qualified House speaker in human history.

Why is Mike Johnson a lot like Moses, you might be wondering? Did Moses have an app on his phone that told him when his son was liable to be rubbing one out because his son was currently visiting Pretty Neat Boobies Dot Com? Of course Moses didn’t have an app like that, he wasn’t a fucking sicko.

Johnson was the keynote speaker at the rightwing extremist National Association Of Christian Lawmakers annual ~~Bible-pounding fuckorgy~~ awards gala on Tuesday night, and he explained how God had chosen him to be the new “Moses” American Girl doll:

“I’ll tell you a secret, since media is not here.” (“Thank you for not allowing the media in,” Johnson added, alleging that journalists have been taking his comments “out of context” with “great joy for the last few weeks.”)

Rolling Stone says maybe he didn’t know they were recording it for the group’s Facebook page. Idiot.

But if Johnson wants to avoid being “taken out of context” by people who quote him verbatim and cite that as incontrovertible evidence that he’s a disgusting freak, he has the option to shut his wordhole and leave public life.

“Look, I’m a Southern Baptist, I don’t wanna get too spooky on you,” he said, provoking some laughter from the attendees. “But, you know, the Lord speaks to your heart.”

Maybe it’s heartworms.

The message he received from God, Johnson said, was to prepare for a “Red Sea moment” — both for the Republican conference “and in the country at large.” Johnson said found the directive confusing but he continued to seek the counsel of God.

Maybe God was just screwing with him. Maybe it was gas.

“The Lord began to wake me up, through this three-week process, in the middle of night to speak to me,” Johnson insisted.

LMAO. This mediocre zero among men think God takes time out of bibbity-bobbity-boo-ing planets into existence and giving angels love-pats on their bottoms to talk to him. Why would God do that?

In all seriousness, it’s illustrative of what we’re dealing with that dudes like this really truly are brainwashed to believe they’re the main characters in God’s story. Horrifying, and illustrative.

“Now at the time,” he continued, “I assumed the Lord is going to choose a new Moses.”

And that New Moses would come from the white fascist American Republican party. You bet.

But because of his own lesser rank among the GOP’s leadership, Johnson said, he believed the heavenly message to be: “You’re gonna allow me to be Aaron to Moses,” citing the role of the Old Testament prophet’s brother and biblical sidekick.

Mike Johnson originally assumed the Lord was tickling his balls in the middle of the night to tell him he’d be New Moses’s wingman, the guy who we guess would accompany New Moses when he was out looking for strange. But God was like “No, Mike. I have different plans for you, my chosen guy who spends all his time being mad at gay buttsex.”

And then the Holy Spirit started laughing and God was like SHUT UP YOU DICK and the Holy Spirit shut up but he was still laughing under his Holy Spirit breath.

But then Johnson watched as candidate after candidate failed to generate the necessary Republican support to win the Speakership. “Ultimately 13 people ran for the post. And the Lord kept telling me to, ‘Wait, wait, wait,’” Johnson recalled.

All that rake-stepping failure as the Republicans tried for weeks to find one person they could agree on as speaker? That was God’s plan, says Mike.

Wouldn’t have imagined God was such a clownfuck. Never meet your heroes, we guess.

“So I waited, I waited. And then at the end … the Lord said, ‘Now step forward.’”

And then the Lord beeped and said the weather report and reminded Mike Johnson that it was time to take his medicine and that there was a package from Amazon on the front porch.

Johnson regaled the audience with his surprise to be tapped as the Moses figure: “Me?” Johnson said. “I’m supposed to be Aaron.” But that was not the message, Johnson insisted, recalling: “‘No,’ the Lord said, ‘Step forward.’”

And then Mike Johnson climaxed right there all over the stage.

This person who is second in line to the presidency is severely unwell.

Reminder: Mike Johnson believes America is “dark and depraved,” and that God is fixin’ to do something very bad to it, because we guess Mike Johnson’s God is very angry and thin-skinned and has zero self-control, like a toddler.

Mike Johnson is particularly incensed right now that “one-in-four high school students identifies as something other than straight.” He labors under the delusion that this is something over which he and other white fascist Christians can exercise control, both in society and in their own households. He and his fellow book-burners believe that if they can prevent kids from being “exposed” to LGBTQ+ people or TV shows or books, their kids, and other people’s kids, will not be LGBTQ+.

What a deplorable fool.

This guy is clearly fuckbonkers, but he’s also extremely dangerous. Handmaid’s Tale references are trite and overdone, but if anybody in American political life fits the archetype of the commanders, it’s this dude and the contemptible scumbags who surround him.

If you love America, it’s your patriotic duty to mock the living shit out of him daily.

[Rolling Stone / video via Right Wing Watch]

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