Discover more from Wonkette
Mike Pence Ends Self-Loathing Quest To Lead The 'Hang Mike Pence' Party
Once they build a gallows for you, that's probably the end of your political career.
Mike Pence finally caught up with the rest of us, including very small children, and realized that he’ll never be president. He officially ended his curious campaign for the White House on Saturday, when he delivered the news at the Republican Jewish Coalition’s annual gathering in Las Vegas.
“Traveling across the country over the past six months, I came here to say it’s become clear to me: This is not my time,” Pence told the audience, which seemed surprised — they might have forgotten he was running at all and thought he was about to sell them some Amway products. “So after much prayer and deliberation, I have decided to suspend my campaign for president effective today.”
“We always knew this would be an uphill battle, but I have no regrets,” Pence added, as he received multiple standing ovations. At least he left on a high note.
If you’re already donating, please ignore this button. If you aren’t, here’s this button.
So ends the sad career of one Michael Richard Pence. He claims the underdog mantle, but in (a normal) reality, the former vice president should’ve been a much stronger contender. Over the past 50 years, two vice presidents — Joe Biden and George H.W. Bush — went on to win the presidency. Former VPs Walter Mondale and Al Gore won the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. George W. Bush’s vice president, Dick Cheney, had already served two terms as commander-in-chief and probably wanted to try other things. This puts Pence in the less-than-esteemed company of fellow Hoosier Dan Quayle, whose 2000 presidential campaign also failed to catch fire.
Of course, the elder Bush wasn’t exactly popular among 2000 Republican primary voters, so Quayle, already considered a lightweight in those pre-Palin days, had no coattails to ride. Republicans are full-on MAGA today and rejected Donald Trump’s loyal wingman primarily because of his single act of scruple — refusing to enable Trump’s coup attempt.
It didn’t help that Trump was staging a comeback and hammered Pence as weak and a traitor to the only cause that matters to him — Trump himself. Pence would often speak about the glory days of the Trump/Pence administration, as if MAGA voters even care about policy, but Trump didn’t exactly provide glowing LinkedIn testimonials for his former running mate. The mad MAGA king vented back in August on social media:
“I never said anything bad or even slightly inappropriate to Liddle’ Mike Pence. What I did do was make him, over the many people who wanted it, Vice President of the United States. Disloyalty in politics is alive and well. MAGA!!!”
Pence’s polling average was a dismal 3.8 percent, below not just Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley but less than libertarian rapper Vivek Ramaswamy. Pence was selected for the 2016 ticket because of his social conservative, religious bigot bonafides so you’d think he’d at least have sparked some interest in Iowa, where Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum, and Ted Cruz all prevailed, but he was polling in a distant sixth place. Iowa Republicans usually prefer Cotton Mather types to modern-day Caligulas, but Trump has exposed their baser instincts.
The Pence campaign was also dead broke: He ended September with just $1.18 million in the bank, barely enough for a down payment on a modest house in Seattle. The campaign’s debt of $621,000 was more than half his cash on hand. Meanwhile, his former boss has $37.5 million in cash, far exceeding the candidates who delusionally consider themselves his rivals.
The timing of Pence’s exit is appropriate, considering that younger Christian fascist Mike Johnson has risen from relative obscurity and is now speaker of the House, which unlike the vice presidency is a position with some actual power.
If you’re inclined to believe that Pence was ever a moral man and not a dull prig, you’d find tragic irony in Pence surrendering his morality to Trump so that he could become his boot-licking toady who suffered the fate of every supervillain henchman.
According to journalist Michael Lewis, Pence’s faustian bargain disgusted his wife, Karen, who refused to even kiss him after Trump’s victory was announced on election night 2016. She simply turned away and said, “You got what you wanted, Mike. Now leave me alone.”
Unfortunately, the Republican primary electorate also left Pence alone, but that’s an upgrade from actively trying to kill him.
Subscribe to his YouTube channel for more fun content.
Catch SER on his podcast, The Play Typer Guy.