Mike Pence Plans To Win The White House With Hilarious Bigot Stand Up Routine

Funniest joke of all.

It's a magical world of make believe over at Politico, where dreams come true, Republicans are sane, and Mike Pence could really win this thing if he would just let his hair down and show the world what a hilarious bigot he is.

Reporter Adam Wren posted two stories about the former vice president, who headlined the Gridiron Dinner hosted this weekend by the private DC Gridiron Club for media bigwigs. The annual event has been criticized for encouraging members of the press to pal around with the very subjects they're supposed to be covering, and so it's more than a little ironic that Politico is treating Pence's remarks as part of a strategy that might actually turn the Republican electorate away from Trump and convince them to vote for the boring Bible dude who refused to do a coup for him.

Spoiler Alert: Republican voters didn't vote for Trump in spite of his vicious mendacity. They chose him because of it.

Pence's condemnation of Trump and his rebuke of Tucker Carlson's distortion of the January 6 footage provided to him by Speaker Kevin McCarthy have gotten the most attention.

“President Trump was wrong,” he said. “I had no right to overturn the election. And his reckless words endangered my family and everyone at the Capitol that day, and I know history will hold Donald Trump accountable.”

Which is all well and good for history, but since Pence himself is refusing to testify to Special Counsel Jack Smith's grand jury, the demand for accountability rings rather hollow — kinda like Mike Pence himself.

Pence claims that he was acting as president of the Senate when he fended off Trump's imprecations to reject Biden electors, and thus Pence is duty-bound to protect the sanctity of the separation of powers by blowing off a subpoena. Which is preposterous on its face, and anyway Pence already wrote about that stuff in his book.

But righteous indignation is Pence's resting bitch face — usually accompanied by a sharp nasal intake of breath as if his political opponents just let rip a fart in an elevator.

“Make no mistake about it, what happened that day was a disgrace and it mocks decency to portray it any other way,” he told the assembled grandees in a sidelong reference to Carlson's effort to paint the attack on the Capitol as a normal tourist visit where the crowd just happened to bring a guillotine and shout colorful slogans like "Hang Mike Pence."

As if the Republican Party and Pence himself haven't been cheerfully drinking from the urinal at Fox for decades. FFS, even Wren's beat sweetener on the former vice president's wicked sense of humor notes that "as a congressman, Pence frequently freelanced Fox News hits and engaged in banter with reporters in wide-ranging hallway interviews before he became more scripted as a governor, and later, as vice president." Of course, this is lodged in an extended comparison of Pence to John McCain, a man Trump spent years attacking, while Pence applauded like the mean little lapdog that he is.

In several thousand words on Pence's delightful sense of humor, Wren neglects to acknowledge that his subject is nasty homophobe whose bigotry was on full display this weekend as he joked about Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg taking “maternity leave” when he and his husband adopted newborn twins. Because hawhaw gay dads are effeminate, and real men ignore their babies. 

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“Pete is the only person in human history to have a child and everyone else gets post-partum depression,” riffed the guy who once called to reallocate federal dollars earmarked for HIV/AIDS patients into conversion therapy programs. And a guy who caused a full-blown HIV crisis in Indiana because he thinks Jesus told him to ban needle exchanges has got a lot of damn nerve dinging Pete Buttigieg for homo-daddying the country into a train derailment.

Pence himself even joked about his own hypocrisy, if indirectly.

“I read that some of those classified documents they found at Mar-a-Lago were actually stuck in the president’s Bible, which proves he had absolutely no idea they were there," yukked the man who traded on his own credentials with the evangelical community to help elect a man we all acknowledge is morally unfit.

And, yes, the lord works in mysterious ways, but we all know that this onanistic display will come to nothing, as even Pence's staunchest allies admit.

“If Mike Pence would just be himself, and not script everything so much, instead of seven percent in the polls, he’d be at 20 percent right now,” his longtime pal Mike Murphy told Politico, which is hardly objective, and of course would still mean that he got his clock cleaned by his former boss.

It's a joke so dumb, only Mike Pence could have made it.

BA DUM TSSSSSS.

[ Politico / Politico / AP ]

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