Missouri Legislator Explains How If You Don't Want Him To Email You It Probably Means You Are Gay

There's an infinite amount of Boston news out there today, and presumably you are sitting there refreshing your Twitter feed, ignoring your job, and letting your coffee get cold just like yr Wonkette.  Why not take a break from that and join us in yet another installment of "State Legislators, Why You So Terrible?" This week's candidate comes from Missouri (holla!) and brings just the right amount of deft daftness to his ranting at a constituent who had the temerity to ask to be removed from the legislator's email list:

...State Senator Brian Nieves must be used to getting a fair amount of hate mail.

And we'd guess that this message he received last Friday is, relatively speaking, pretty mild: "Take me off your mailing list. Freak."

But after receiving that short seven-word e-mail from a constituent, Nieves fired off a series of lengthy, angry, incredibly bizarre e-mails in response...which include Nieves insulting Cohn's beard -- yes, his beard -- accusing him of being "in love" with him and having a "sick obsession" with him...and so much more.

The constituent could have, of course, been a bit more gentle in his request for removal, but generally that sort of thing would normally meet with a resounding "meh" from whatever low-level staffer is stuck managing this guy's email list. Constituent dude was pretty rightly unhappy to have received Nieves' screed about how errrrebody gonna take your guns away and implant you with RFID chips, or something like that. In truth, we stopped reading the original legislative update thingy because it was SO! FULL! OF RANDOM! EXCLAMATION POINTS AND *****ASTERISKS but we think we got the gist of it.

Besides being chock full o' terror about gunzzzzzz and such, State Senator Brian Nieves (R-WTF) is also apparently a really impressive amount of thin-skinned about people who don't want to read about the DHS plot to take over your ID and sell it to the Chinese, or something, and is the sort of dude that will send you this if you tell him to go away:

Wow. Your communications are so thought provoking, well written, and intelligent. Perhaps you secretly want to be on my distribution list because every time you send me a message, your email is recaptured and put on my distribution list. I'm tiring of taking you off every time you email me AGAIN so unless you are in love with me or have some other sort of sick obsession with me (sorry, I'm straight as an arrow) you should probably stop emailing me so that you don't keep getting put back on the list. Should I type these instructions slower? Are you having a hard time understanding? BTW - I archive ALL questionable emails like yours in case there's ever any doubt about who got ugly first. Go back to the grade school playground where people you can successfully bully and out smart are playing cuz junior... You are way out of your league with me.

Besides creating a veritable ouroboros of communication - if you email us to remove yourselves from our emails, your email is captured again and placed on our email list - Mr. State Senator Brian Nieves seems to have a very...confused...way of thinking about how teh gays signify interest. Pro-tip: telling someone you don't want to receive emails from them anymore is NOT typically a big gay expression of desire to have sexytime with you, Mr. Straight-As-An-Arrow-State-Senator. It pretty much just means, unsurprisingly, that we don't wish to hear from you again.

Also, too, don't think for one second yr Wonkette is going to pass up the opportunity to respond to your communications in this fashion. We don't have the strength to resist that sort of temptation, so keep those cards and letters coming! Make sure to include a SASE so we have no doubt where to send our insults and freakouts about your intentions/sexuality/choice of facial hair.

[ Riverfront Times ]