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...with eyes as dead as his campaign...

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<i>Let us consume mass quantities of glass cylinders of fermented alcoholic beverages.</i>

Wait, it's the Mormon model. <i>Let us place mass quantities of jello mix in our basements.</i>

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Instead of appearing on late-night shows candidates should have to do a 30-minute comedy show pilot as part of the sell. They can choose scripts based on precocious children, aging parents, a diverse office environment, or mistaken identity but must include an interaction with gays, single mothers, and homeless people. Plots could include door-to-door sales (or religionists), drop-in visits by young pop stars, or someone, anyone, running over Ann Coulter.

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