Hide Your Daughters, The GOP Got Loose Again

Probably all Obama's fault.

The Family Values folks are at it again, with a trio of recent arrests of good upstanding folks for skeevy sex stuff. A Louisiana Catholic school principal resigned after getting drunk and belligerent at a DC strip club -- while he was visiting the capital city with a bunch of middle schoolers on a field trip. In Kentucky, the owner of a pizza parlor what blares Christian music and prints Bible verses on its receipts was arrested for sending dirty sex texts to a teen girl who works for him. And about a mile away from Yr Dok Zoom's home in scenic Boise, Idaho, the former chair of the state Republican Party was nabbed wearing a wig and allegedly masturbating outside his ex-wife's apartment building, although his lawyer insists it's all just a great big comical mixup.

Holy Mother!

In the wee hours of Friday morning, Michael Comeau, principal of Holy Family Catholic School in Port Allen, Louisiana, was arrested outside "Archibald's Gentlemen's Club" in Washington DC. Police had been called about "an intoxicated man refusing to pay his bill." When the cops arrived, a police report said, they found Comeau "standing in the roadway, refusing to move." The officers asked Comeau "multiple times to move out of the roadway, but Comeau refused."

Baton Rouge teevee station WAFB reports the school's 7th and 8th graders were on a field trip to DC, presumably to learn all about their great nation's heritage, how a bill becomes a law, and how adults will demand standards of morality they have no intention of living up to themselves. A statement issued by the Diocese of Baton Rouge announced Comeau had resigned after five years at the school, and reassured parents that the kids "were in their hotel rooms for the evening under the supervision of other chaperones" when Comeau slipped away for some entertainment that absolutely no one would ever find out about back home.

Best detail from the WAFB story: "Numerous sources told the 9News Investigators Comeau had a service dog with him at the bar/strip club." Say what you will about the sinful temptations of big cities run by Demmycrats, but by damn, DC is proud of its businesses being accessible.

The Real #Pizzagate

In Prestonburg, Kentucky, pastor and pizzeria owner Bobby "BJ" Blackburn was charged last week with "using an electronic device to try to get a minor to engage in sexual activities" after texting a teenaged girl who works for him and trying to arrange a threesome with her and another minor, plus other obscene messages. He seems nice! In addition to running the pizza joint (and trying to misuse his own), Blackburn is pastor of "Elevate Church of Prestonsburg," and the sex puns just can't be stopped, now can they? If your church elevates for more than four hours, call your doctor. The report from WBKO identified the teens only as "employees of a business Blackburn manages"; while we assume that means the pizza place, maybe it's another business?

Blackburn's pizza place was the focus of some minor local hoopla in 2016, when some patrons complained about the omnipresent Christian music and the Jesusy scriptural passages on the receipts, changes instituted when Blackburn took over the Giovanni's Pizza franchise a few months earlier. Also, far worse than the Bible stuff? The franchise stopped selling beer. That monster .

Blackburn took to Facebook to stand up against all the persecution, if there was any to begin with (does Prestonburg have a diehard atheist coven?):

"We, here at Giovanni's of Prestonsburg are unapologetically a Christ-based business that runs and operates with Christian values and principles. We wholeheartedly believe that we have been blessed the way that we have because of the goodness of God. We understand that this is not the view of every customer and/or business owner and we are not trying to push this view on anybody," Blackburn wrote.

He also boldly stated he would "continue to honor God in our business and in our lives," and insisted he would serve anyone, no matter how ungodly they might be: "It's not one of those things of hey you got to believe like us in order to eat here, we're not trying to push that on anybody." Big surprise: Blackburn got a fair bit of publicity out of courageously being a small-town Kentucky businessman standing up for the Lord.

Apparently, the only thing he really wanted to push was his underaged employees, to have sex with him. Oh, and to cover up for him, too. Before he eventually turned himself in last Wednesday, Blackburn tried this amusing stunt:  

On May 25, police said Blackburn followed a third minor to the station where she tried to give a statement saying she sent the obscene messages from Blackburn's phone. But when they questioned her further, she took back her statement and admitted that Blackburn told her to say it or she would lose her job.

When police got a warrant to seize his phone, "Family members said the phone was thrown into the river in Pike County." Because there's no way those messages could be recovered from the phone company or the kids' phones, huh? Smart fella! No word on possible charges of suborning a false report or obstruction of justice, at least not yet.

Blackburn is free on bond pending trial. Now all we need is for wingnuts to proclaim him the innocent victim of an atheist smear campaign. Since there's pizza and minors involved, surely the QAnon people will explain Blackburn is being framed by George Soros and Hillary Clinton, the real criminals.

Your Own Private Parts Idaho

In Boise, Idaho, last Thursday, police arrested Jonathan Parker, the former chair of the Idaho Republican Party; he faces a first-degree stalking charge after being arrested outside his estranged wife's apartment complex.

According to the criminal complaint, on or between May 16 and May 30, Parker "did knowingly and maliciously engage" in conduct that "seriously alarmed, annoyed or harassed [his wife]" The complaint states that Parker's conduct included "  repeatedly hiding in bushes, masturbating, disguising himself with a wig" at or near her apartment complex.

On May 30, police said they received a call about a man acting strangely near homes in the 300 block of N. Whitewater Park Blvd. Officers made contact with that man and identified him as Parker. Further investigation revealed that there is an active protection order between Parker and a woman living nearby — his wife — and Parker was then arrested.

But wait! There's a perfectly plausible alternative set of facts!

Parker told police that he was there to scare a different female, but police said they were not able to contact this person. The prosecutor also noted that Parker's estranged wife has previously reported him staring into her windows.

Former GOP Idaho attorney general David Leroy represented Parker during the arraignment. Leroy told the judge that the incident was a "grand misunderstanding" and that Parker had been invited to a costume party at the apartment complex.

That must have been some costume party if it lasted from May 16 through the 30th, huh? That story doesn't really explain the "looking in windows" or the "masturbating," though perhaps as the case moves forward we'll learn he was just a big fan of that Netflix documentary about the creepo motel owner who spied on his guests for years, and he is a method actor, damn it. Dedication to the craft is simply not appreciated these days.

Parker resigned as head of the state GOP in March, saying that serving as the party chair "while maintaining a full-time job and being a fully engaged father, has been harder than I imagined." Apparently that's not the only thing that was hard. His wife filed for divorce about a month after that, and then by May he was allegedly creeping around her apartment. Or socializing with others who can't seem to be located.

Yr Wonkette will keep you updated on all this weirdness, if such a thing is even possible. To paraphrase Zippy the Pinhead, Life is just a blur of Republicans beating their meat.

[ WAFB-TV / WBKO / Christian Examiner / Deadstate / Idaho Statesman ]

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