282 Comments
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Thomas B.'s avatar

Wow, for even milquetoast, worthless Ann Wagner and her perpetual ski-slope head to throw out a curse word, they really must be sick of MJ.

larry gassan's avatar

Wow! That piece opened with MAGA Clowns With Flamethrowers and ended with a proper medieval hallucinatory revelation. Well-done!

eo's avatar

That was a great read! Thanks, Marcie!

Herr Snackmeier's avatar

"the House side of the 119th Congress is spoken for by one James Michael Johnson"

That's the guy's legal name? What, was Whitey McWhiterson already taken?

His actual name is a fake name people give to hotel clerks and traffic cops.

Does he live on Maple Street in Centerville, across the way from his long-time sweetheart Mary Jane Smith?

Was his family's surname actually Penis, but they changed it at Ellis Island?

Zyxomma's avatar

Ta, Marcie. Mike Johnson is a totally owned subsidiary of his lord and master, and I'm not talking about God.

beb's avatar

To say that Mike Johnson is the worst Speaker in decades puts in a crowded field of incompetence. Aside from Nancy Pelosi, who could keep her caucus in line, they have all been miserable failures.

Boojum's avatar

As the song goes, "Land of the free ain't free for all, until the law ain't fucking y'all, it's yeehaw, fuck the law."

Susan Niemann's avatar

"So God gave one a real gift of gab, and was like, speaketh some rules to those assholes! And that helped a bit, for a while, with all the brother-stabbing, wife-fucking, idol and grain-coveting etc. that was driving them all out of their monkey minds."

This is exactly why I come to Wonkette. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hooker P Tape skipping dipshit's avatar

"But the Lord speaks to your heart. And he had been speaking to me about this"

WRONG! The Lord is a she. Blasphemous heathen!

Kay G's avatar

Red Sea Moment - yes Mike Johnson - but you and yours are in the chariots charging into the Red Sea

I watched something on a history type channel and - there was a chariot wheel on the bottom of the Red Sea.

God Hates Liars

Sherry's avatar

So, that lawsuit from Muskrat to Altman is not working out well...For Felon. He can't seem to stop shooting himself in the face:

https://www.sfgate.com/tech/article/openai-elon-musk-oakland-22235391.php

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Amazing. Elon looks worse in a suit than he does in whatever shit he usually wears.

Michael's avatar

OT. The Callais decision is the gift that keeps giving for those frikkin Johnny Rebs in the New Confederacy:

https://www.aol.com/articles/alabama-governor-calls-special-session-190948393.html

Hooker P Tape skipping dipshit's avatar

They came in their pants so much they had to find an urgent care facility to treat their dehydration.

Michael's avatar

Their hands got so chaffed from blocking black hands at ballot boxes that they had to start wearing nitrile gloves.

Judi Lakin's avatar

Mike Johnson is such a wanker! God, you really cracked me up in this article! I laughed so hard, I almost peed myself.

Boojum's avatar

It's not like it's the first time, or even the first time today.

Mike Scully's avatar

As terrible as he’s been at this job, his real moment to shine will be when he declines to seat people after the midterms (I doubt he can last until 2029). He led the brief to overturn the 2020 election (quickly thrown out) and still voted against certification AFTER the Jan 6 attack. That’s literally his only job. Had Kamala won, it is safe to assume he would have led the fight to overturn those results.

Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Here's the best part. Mike will have no say in seating the new Congress. His Speakership ends at midnight on December 31, 2026. The first order of business on January 3, 2027 is to elect a new Speaker, who will administer the oath of office and seat the new Congress.

Sojourner44's avatar

Dipshits like Johnson are why I'm no longer a Southern Baptist.