Good evening, America.
My name is Katie Britt, and I am the other senator from Alabama. I am delivering the Republican response to Joe Biden’s State of the Union, because optics, and I guess because I’m not Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Am I crying? I don’t know. [Sniff!] If I am, it’s because of brown people, as you will soon see. I represent white people, I think we can all agree on that.
I am a senator, but most importantly I am [Sniff!] the mother of Weathyrleigh and Rymbrandt, GO TO BED, RYMBRANDT!
Where was I?
I am speaking to you from my kitchen, which is where Republicans keep the women. My husband Wesley and I watched Joe Biden in the living room. But usually at this time of day, Wesley and I are in the kitchen, doing our marital worrying.
Because Joe Biden.
Joe Biden doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand that according to white conservatives’ feelings, the country is doing very badly, despite all the facts to the contrary. The country we know and love seems to be slipping away, this is a crying part because it’s a racist dogwhistle.
I was born a poor white girl in Enterprise, Alabama, and now I am in the Senate. I am an American success story! But also my life is a nightmare, much like yours. Why? Because border.
Some might say that I was part of the group that negotiated that bipartisan border bill with James Lankford and then proceeded to vote against it, but those people are MSDNC lesbians.
Now I will tell you an extremely graphic story about cartels raping sex-trafficked women, which is horrifying, and also somehow Joe Biden’s fault. I am telling you this story not because I actually care about the victims, but because racist Republicans need you to believe that every person who shows up at the border is a sex-trafficking cartel rapist, and also a fentanyl salesperson.
Next I will tell you about a white woman who was murdered by somebody from a country on the non-US American side of border. Whenever possible, our Birth Of A Nation party likes to highlight a white woman who was murdered by a minority, or might have been murdered by a minority, and talk about it incessantly. Sometimes we name a bill after her. Don’t worry, you don’t have to remember her name two weeks from now!
Sometimes it’s not even a white woman! It’s always a white person though.
Are these senseless, gruesome tragedies? Yes. [Sniff!]
Are Republicans exploiting these victims to further our xenophobic agenda, to appeal to Nazis and white nationalists — AKA our base AKA the good people on both sides — who believe in conspiracy theories about Jews paying minorities to invade the southern border to replace us? Also yes.
Joe Biden did not even admit tonight that he is responsible for all these murders, by personally releasing the illegal border crossers into our homeland.
Despite what Joe Biden says, or what the actual numbers say, white Republicans are more terrified of brown people than ever before, and that is the only crime rate that [sniff!] matters.
Now I will talk about foreign policy for a second, but I didn’t really think this part through, because it kind of sounds like I’m scolding Mike Johnson and Putin-supporting Republicans more than I’m scolding Joe Biden.
It’s Biden’s fault that the Houthis are attacking those ships, though, I’m almost sure of it!
Did I mention that China? And TikTok?
Anyway, just ask yourself, are you better off now that you were three years ago?
Well were you?
Why are you getting a calculator? Stop thinking too hard about exactly what was happening three years ago, or why today’s Republican talking point is “three years ago” instead of “four years ago” like Elise Stefanik said it yesterday.
America’s history has been written by women and men who got knocked down, then they got up again, you’re never gonna keep them down. They sing the songs that remind them of the good times. They sing the songs that remind them of the better times.
Oh, and that thing about how Republicans are taking away all your reproductive rights, even IVF? How would you feel if I told you that I love babies like soooooo much and then drop the subject entirely? Did I not just tell you about my children Mary-Wallace and Battleshyp?
Fellow white moms, are you feeling me? Are you picking up the vibes I am putting down? What if I say something about “moral arc of the universe” and “American greatness rests in the fact that we always answer that call”? Will you totally forget that my party stands against all those things and took your reproductive rights away, and also that Joe Biden said the same nice things 30 minutes ago, and much more authentically?
May God bless you, and may God continue to bless these United States of America, which are currently a hellhole, because of Joe Biden and his friends, the brown people who do the murders.
I see you, I hear you, and [dramatic whisper] I stand with you.
OK was that good enough or should I do it again? I can do it again! Should I cry more? When are callbacks? Are we going to get a call back either way? I can do a different song! Why are you asking me to leave? No! My mother is going to call the director and he is never going to work in this town again! Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Adapted from the original. Some of the lines we didn’t even change!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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From Julia Ioffe: "Imagine you're sleeping at a friend's house and you get up in the night to pee. You hear a weird sound and follow it to the kitchen, where your friend's mom is drunk and crying about the national debt."
...Someone called her tone of voice the Evangelical Baby Voice you trot out to show how meek and submissive and motherly you are.
Apparently, fundie men think Stepford was a great idea...