My New Batshit Scheme To Prove Massive Election Fraud Is Better Than All My Other Batshit Schemes

None of Mike Lindell's other plans have worked but this one 100% will, trust him.

Psst! Hey, fella. Yeah, you, in the thousand-dollar suit and the eight-hundred-dollar Ferragamos. Mr. Swamp Lobbyist himself. Mr. Establishment. Might I interest you in a fine pillow?

You look like a man who appreciates luxury. I look like a man selling the last of his pillow inventory out of a broken-down shopping cart in front of the Jamba Juice on H Street. Let’s talk business.

Yes, I am Mike Lindell. No, I do not want your change. I do not want your pity. I want to sell you the best darn pillow you’ve seen since the Sears-Roebuck catalogue went tits up. Then I want to take the money you pay me and prove once and for all that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.

Oh, I’ve been telling people this for years. You’ve seen me on every YouTube channel and knockoff right-wing cable network and podcast and CPAC election integrity panel and backwater Twitter video. Showing all the evidence of voting machines programmed to flip Trump votes to Joe Biden and also the algorithms and the routers yes the routers and also dead people voting no really DEAD PEOPLE VOTING IN THE ELECTION so we’re going to knock on every voter’s door in the nation and ask them if they are sure they are not dead and what was the other thing OH YEAH irrefutable evidence of election fraud to the Supreme Court, evidence so irrefutable the Court will vote 9-0 to kick Biden out of office and swear in the rightful president Donald Trump IMMEDIATELY…

Mike Lindell Will Not Sleep Until He Asks You Personally If You're Dead

Wait, wait, hang on. Don’t go. Please. I just get a little worked up about this because I’ve devoted my life to proving that our nation has been literally destroyed by woke elections officials. I keep talking and talking and talking and yelling and talking, but somehow no one believes me.

It’s cost me everything. My company. My private jet. My houses. My friends. My calm speaking voice. Punctuation between sentences. Who has time for punctuation when the nation is on the verge of doom?

I can come back from all this. I just need to find someone to buy these last half-a-dozen MyPillows and then I can hire back all the investigators at my Election Crime Bureau and they can track down all of the fraud. I’ve spent millions on this MILLIONS and now I’m broke but it will be worth it to save this great country I love so much I just want to hug it and kiss it and caress its tender skin and also DATA. I have so much DATA packets of DATA billions of lines of code that Marxist hackers secretly beamed into vote tabulating computers via the cell phones of each and every voter and worker in a polling place because they thought there would be so many that we couldn’t possibly tell what was happening but WE DID WE TOTALLY DID we had experts look at all this data, real experts not Deep State experts…

Mike Lindell Breaks Up With AZ Frauditors, Custody Of Shared Brain Cell TBD

This is me being calm. You don’t want to see me when I’m hyped up, brother. It’s not pretty. Imagine a meerkat eating a pharmacy’s worth of Dexedrine and then multiply it by ten. Then imagine that meerkat has proof that will stop the communist takeover of America and no one will listen to him. Then multiply that by ten.

Where is the proof? Brother, it’s with the voting machine companies that won giant lawsuits against me for slandering them. My lawyers kept telling me to settle, but I said Mike Lindell does not settle. Not when he’s right about a vast conspiracy among thousands of election workers and government officials and computer geniuses to steal the presidency from its rightful owner Donald Trump.

Cancel-Cultured MyPillow Alan Dershowitzes The RICOs! If You Understood That, Please Get Help.

But I’ve got a plan. I’m a planning machine.

So here’s my latest plan. It’s absolutely, one hundred percent foolproof: drones.

By now you’re saying, “Mike, drones? I love it, tell me more!” Okay!

What we’re going to do is take these drones we’re calling Wireless Monitoring Devices, or WMDs, get it? And we’re gonna fly these drones over every polling place and every voting precinct in the entire country, and what these drones are going to do is they are going to detect if any voting machines are hooked up to the Internet via wireless networks, because they’re not supposed to be and all the election workers swear they’re not and the companies that make the machines have actually sued me for defamation for calling them filthy lying whores but they ARE they so ARE and this is how we’re going to prove it one hundred percent and then all fifty states will have no choice but to decertify the 2020 election and give Donald Trump an extra four years in office and no one is gonna stop me the CIA can send whoever it wants it can send whatever mind-control devices hidden in boxes of Chiclets it has which by the way is why I no longer eat Chiclets and I LOVE Chiclets they’re like God’s own chewing gum whew I could go for some Chiclets right now SOMEONE BRING ME SOME GODDAMN CHICLETS…

You don’t seem convinced.

Yes, I’m aware that the WMDs are just basically glorified wireless sniffers and there might be a lot of wireless networks in any one small area around a polling place and that technically it’s illegal to use a sniffer on a network without the network owner’s permission and so basically this is just me taking the law into my own hands to engage in some illicit electronic eavesdropping and data stealing. But it’s for the good of the nation. I’m a patriot.

Do I think the authorities might think that having drones hovering over polling places could illegally intimidate voters or poll workers? Well, I think the authorities will be happy when I save America and our Constitution, is what I think.

You sure you don’t want to buy a pillow?

[Talking Points Memo]