We were kind of hoping when we saw that Cletus Safari in the New York Times this weekend that maybe it was one of those weird muscle memory things, that it was just some kind of reflex that made them go out to try to understand old racist white people’s reaction to getting their Confederate flag-tattooed asses in last Tuesday’s midterms. Maybe they’d snap out of it and realize there are few things about this election less interesting or in need of analysis than the feelings of loser white MAGA Republican racists.
But now NBC News has done its own Cletus Safari, and we can go back to knowing that this is just an incurable plague they all have.
Whereas the New York Times started apparently knocking on the doors of senior centers and churches in North Texas until they found a group of old grunting bigot men who get together once a week to read their favorite Bible verses about personal responsibility from the book of Proverbs, NBC News appears to have scoured Facebook looking for forums of red state expats in Texas and Georgia, people who fled California for their personal safety during the Woke Mind Virus, and who are now once again living in fear, because Texas and Georgia are gay now too.
Yes, witness the plight of the selfish MAGA racist bigot who feels oppressed in states where LGBTQ+ people and racial minorities are allowed to run free without asking white conservatives’ permission, where the very land cries out and demands to know the pronouns in their email signatures. Some of these people were even the victims of egregious side-eye and social judgment when they refused to wear masks for public health during the recent global pandemic!
So they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and went off in search of more dollars per square foot and neighbors who at least seemed like they might not be completely thrilled that slavery isn’t legal anymore, or if they are, at least they know better than to shove it down delicate white conservatives’ throats.
But it turns out those states are full of wokes who speak their liberal Spanish transgender furry languages too, and it turns out they don’t know their place any better than the ones in California! So now, feeling further oppressed by the existence of people different from them, people who don’t immediately defer to their white Christian conservative judgment in all things, they must consider loading up their lives to find somewhere safer, now that Texas and Georgia have fallen.
There is Danielle DeWitt, who left the San Francisco Values state of Arizona — which literally just recently started going reliably blue, that must be how fast the conservative pogroms start — and escaped to Georgia. Apparently she was too much of a dumbass to do any research on political trends in Georgia that have been abundantly obvious to anybody who’s paid attention for the past 15 years.
“I thought the South was the last of the good old boys, the last of hardworking Americans and family and God and gun rights,” [DeWitt said]. “It was just sort of like, to me, the perfect conservative state, and it’s just not anymore.” […]
After living in Arizona for 17 years, DeWitt decided to escape what she described as an increasingly hostile environment. The Phoenix area had been gradually turning blue as younger voters and a growing Latino population leaned Democrat.
Young people and Latinos? Pumpkin!
She toured Georgia before settling in Clayton, a conservative stronghold where Republican candidates won more than 70% of the vote last week.
“I was able to take all that armor off and exhale,” she said of Clayton.
Her armor! Her Phoenix armor!
A Seattle native, DeWitt said she would have stayed in the Phoenix area for the rest of her life had she felt less bullied by Trump detractors. During the Covid pandemic, DeWitt said she was repeatedly confronted inside stores and restaurants over her refusal to wear a mask.
Ah, she’s that kind of asshole. People didn’t want her disgusting pig MAGA virus germs in their mouths in the middle of a scary global pandemic that was killing people. Conservatives consider themselves the main character in every story, though, so it was all about her, she was the victim, and she had to run away to Georgia and take off that armor.
She now worries that Georgia’s shift to the left, which had been noticeable in recent election cycles, will create a “mob mentality” similar to what she felt during Covid.
“Things are creeping up here already,” she said of Atlanta’s liberal bent.
Yes, because it’s a large city full of people who matter, you dumb skin tag.
If Danielle wasn’t such a moron, she might have noticed that Arizona got all libbed up in large part because Phoenix grew great big and started attracting educated transplants, which makes cities and states get bluer approximately 100 percent of the time. Did it ever occur to Danielle that something similar might be happening with the absurdly large metropolis that’s taking over the entire northern half of Georgia and now creeping and making megacity megalopolises in neighboring states?
It apparently did not.
DeWitt, a serial entrepreneur whose ventures have included a yoga studio and a shipping company, said she barely slept after the midterms.
Imagine the plight of the frightened white conservative idiot woman, unable to sleep because she’s scared Keisha Lance-Bottoms and Jon Ossoff are coming over to forcibly convert her to Islam.
She described her reaction as “shocking disbelief” and said her nervous system was “rattled” by Georgia’s outcome.
“I didn’t think Atlanta’s hand could reach this far,” she said of left-leaning voters in the state’s capital.
Well that’s because Danielle’s a real Mr. Wizard and a scholarly understander of the world around her.
Just kidding, she’s a “serial entrepreneur,” which sounds like a real string of successes.
Then there is a real estate agent — of course, no offense to good real estate agents, but of course — named Marie Bailey. She and her husband lived in California, but their friends stopped talking to them after they voted for Donald Trump in 2016, presumably because of how they had just come out of the closet as rank bigots. “On a business trip, Bailey’s now ex felt pressured to lie about his support for Trump.” Bless his heart.
So they moved to Texas, and Marie, well, she’s a rambunctious and plucky go-getter, so she started a real estate business just for other whiny-asses like herself, conservatives who were running from California to Texas like “Help! Help! I’m bein’ oppressed!” She had a Facebook page and everything, which we cannot find right now, hopefully because blue Texans made so much merciless fun of her upon the publication of this article that she had to shut it down.
Her public Facebook page, Calling Texas Home, was filled with shock and disappointment after the midterms. Commenters discussed moving to Florida — which stayed red after the midterms — and some questioned whether California transplants were to blame for the sudden political shift. […]
“Welp, I can promise you it wasn’t the native Texans,” one follower wrote.
Oh, pobrecito, habibi, it was native Texans and transplants and everybody else who did that! It was especially Hispanics — many of them native Texans themselves — who swung 46 fucking points toward Democrats. But it was also men, who swung 28 points, and women, who swung 26 points, and young people, who swung 56 points in the James Talarico race. And more!
Bailey said she would consider fleeing to Florida.
To be clear she said she’d consider that if Gina Hinojosa and James Talarico make Texas unlivable by improving public education or otherwise helping people. “It’s not possible to give people all those social safety nets without taxes going up for average people,” she said. Shhhhh, don’t anybody tell the dimwit about the cost of living in Florida.
Also, it is a secret, but we are coming for Florida too.
So that idiot, Marie Bailey, has an idiot sister whose name is Juliette Marie Clarke, which we hope is NBC News’s error, otherwise these sisters are both named Marie. In Juliette’s case, she and her husband moved from California to the Dallas area in 2020, because “masks,” but then fled Dallas because of what NBC News euphemistically refers to as “demographic shifts that made the region feel less like Texas.” OK, Miss Scarlet.
But then:
She moved to Oklahoma in 2022, which is one of the few states she doesn’t anticipate flipping blue any time soon.
“It’s so fantastic, you know, to be a part of that kind of culture of God and country,” Clarke said. “We feel like we belong.”
Oklahoma where the two counties in the Oklahoma City metro area finally swung blue, in the Senate race, and the Republican governor only won by six measly points, flipping those same two counties plus Tulsa County and Payne County, which features the college town of Stillwater and Oklahoma State University?
Libs are comin’ for you there too, lady.
These people are safe nowhere. Or rather they’re safe everywhere and they should get a fucking grip and stop living as if they’re being personally oppressed if people who don’t even have the courtesy to be straight white Christian Republicans want equal treatment under the law and in society.
Cry yourselves to sleep every night, pigfucks.
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Funny how they never mention the LGBTQ people or African Americans that have had to flee red states for a hundred years or more because they could be arrested or killed for just existing.
All those interviews boil down to "I want to be an asshole and face zero repercussions from my actions!" Just like their Dear Leader.