In the sort of act of self-parody that’s come to define the New York Times, the paper of record has traveled to North Texas to talk to some old white Republican losers, so they can explain how it feels to lose. It’s not like there are any other post-midterm stories out there worth telling, like the thousands of Latino voters that swung sharply back to Democrats after Donald Trump’s ICE terror attacks, or the Black voters who knew the assignment and delivered the South, to such an earthshaking degree that American politics will be feeling the reverberations for generations.
Nothing about the gigantic coalitions of women and young people and non-white people and LGBTQ+ people who created last Tuesday’s results.
Naw, best to go visit Gunther Peenwhistle and his pig-ass friends down at the Bible study outside Amarillo, to see what the rest of us fail to understand about how hard losing is for them in the new blue state of Texas.
In deep-red Texas, conservatives are trying to make sense of what just happened to their longtime Republican stronghold. We visited a men’s bible study as they gathered for the first time since the election.
WHO FUCKING CARES?
“They didn’t vote for Democrats,” the headline explains about these losers, “but they’ll pray for them.” You know, because old white pig-ass Republican men are the only people who pray, or whose prayers matter.
During the Cletus Safari, we learn that these men have been meeting every Thursday for prayer time in Pampa, Texas.
One of them says some of his fellow pigfucks were so unhappy about the election results that they were wearing black at the senior citizens’ center.
One pigfuck says racistly, “Everyone here is a full-blooded American, I assure you.”
One pigfuck — might be the same one, might be a different one, white pigfuck racists all look alike and we don’t feel like watching the video again — says, “The Democrats seem to have some kind of agenda.” Cry more, pigfuck.
One pigfuck — definitely a different guy this time — whines that he moved to Pampa because “Seattle and Washington and Oregon were just way over the top for me.” We cannot imagine what was so over the top that it required Pigfuck to move to Texas, but we’re sure the New York Times is making a documentary about it as we speak. Maybe it involved transgender for everybody, or litterboxes in elementary schools.
They’re worried there’s going to be “a war on harvesting animals,” in Texas, and “a war on farming,” and a “war on everything.”
Why yes, here come the Democrats, with their war on everything.
All of this is the transplants’ fault, the people who “don’t believe like we do right here.” This is the new Republican snowflake whine about what happened, the transplants. We guess that’s the pivot they’ve got to make now that their fantasy of all the Republican Californians moving to Texas and keeping it red forever has fucked them in the face. They actually started with this pathetic cope before the election was officially lost.
In the end of the video the pigfucks agree that they’ll just have to wait and see what happens, and that they’ll pray about it. One of them even is big enough to suggest that these Democrats are Americans too and could possibly have some ideas.
At press time the New York Times was interviewing Muslim Americans to see how it feels to have the first senator who shares their faith, and gay guys to see how excited they are that there is a gay guy in the Senate finally, and Black Georgians to find out what it’s like for them for the largest state in the old South to be pretty much fully run by Black women in the year 2026.
Just kidding, no they weren’t, but we bet Gunther Peenwhistle and his friends from the Bible study have some opinions about that stuff too, the New York Times should ask them all out on romantic dates so they can discuss it further.
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𝑶𝒏𝒆 𝒑𝒊𝒈𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 𝒔𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒚, “𝑬𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍-𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝑨𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒏, 𝑰 𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖.”
You mean like all the full blooded Americans who voted for the Democrats?
lol losers
As the pigfucks would say: fuck their feelings.