Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy

You know that thing where you're really mad at your local Humane Society, because those tyrants took your kitty cat away, because you were maybe abusing it, and you really need to teach them a lesson? Sure, we've all been there! (No we haven't.) But this one Nebraska dude has been there, and he knows just what to do to avenge his lost pussy. He is going to join ISIS! Take THAT, Nebraska Humane Society!

The reason they took his cat? Because he was tossing it in the air and letting it drop to the ground in March.

A week ago — some three months after the cat was taken — the man called the society and threatened to “kill every mother(expletive)” there and to “gun them all down.”

Then Sunday, he called society workers by several names and threatened to “join the terrorist group, ISIS, to bring down the NHS and its employees,” Mark Langan, vice president of field operations, wrote in court documents.

Ooh, sounds scary, but wait a minute, we see some holes in this plan. We get that he's mad, so mad that he's going to travel to Syria to join up with the Islamic State, but how does he then convince the bigwigs at ISIS to change course and do jihad on the Nebraska Humane Society? "Listen, guys, Allahu akbar and stuff, but why don't we all take a nice breather from establishing the caliphate and go to Nebraska, because I miss my kitty and I want it back."  Don't think they'd go for that, for some reason.

Dude was, of course, charged with making "terroristic threats," although if he really wanted to instill fear in the folks at the Humane Society, we feel like he may have given away a little too much of his thought process.

This is a little different from the American teenagers rushing off to fight with the Islamic State. Often they are disaffected kids from Muslim-American families, who are then preyed upon by sicko jihadists, convincing them that the real answer is to leave their families behind, yadda yadda, whatever. Or maybe the kids are just mad because their friend Kaitlyn's dad bought her a BMW and all they got is this shitty Civic, so OMG JIHAD. Another difference is that some of those 17-year-old girls have made it a hell of a lot closer to Syria than the Nebraskan pussy avenger.

Could this all be part of Donald Trump's secret plan to kill ISIS, the one he won't tell Obama about? Is this his YOOOOGE idea to weaken the organization from within by infiltrating it with dorks crying over lost kitty cats? Nah, just kidding, Donald Trump doesn't have an actual secret plan, he's just a big bloviating dick.

[ Omaha.com ]