New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: 'Elevated' and 'Imminent'
Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of
the flux capacitora terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she could use to transport Bradley Manning to rape prisons in the future .) Uh. Anyway, new terror alter system, guys! And now there is officially no such thing as a "Low" or "Guarded" Threat Level -- these levels are not even remotely possible -- since we are going to be fighting imaginary bogeymen until the Earth is gobbled up by a black hole, or a giant radioactive tsunami wipes out the federal government, or maybe both. Ha-ha. Oh crap. [ NPR ]Some big, bold changes are coming to Cuba! (Another illegal invasion? Maybe! You must clicky click and find out!) [ The Globe and Mail ]
"Stricter" enforcement of the twenty-kilometer evacuation zone around the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant has now been put in place. Time to go, this time for real! [ CNN ]
So henceforth when the government says "imminent", we should start thinking about getting our mouths away from the cock, unless we want to deal with the cleanup?
Other rejected threat levels:
"Smoke 'em if you got 'em."
"Go ahead and start looting Wal-Mart."
"Oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die."