New York Criminal Defendant Already Being Real Pain In Ass
Day one of Donald Trump's first criminal trial!
It goes without saying that Donald Trump had an awful day in court yesterday, day one of the New York state criminal trial that will eventually find Trump guilty and execute him simply for loving America too much, and for paying a porn lady not to tell anybody shhhhhhhh.
They just barely started jury selection yesterday, which seems like it’s going to take forever. And they went over evidentiary concerns. And Trump and his lawyers kept asking the judge for days off, and the judge kept telling Trump to eat his ass.
Can Trump skip Wednesdays to go campaign? Not if the jury is around. (The trial is off on Wednesdays.)
Trump begged for the day off from the trial next week so he can go to the Supreme Court for oral arguments in the case over whether he can be held criminally liable for trying to overthrow the United States government to overturn the 2020 election. Judge Juan Merchan noted that his presence is not required in that court, so eat his ass.
(Trump lawyer Alina Habba — the one who fakes smart — argued on Fox News last night that this is a denial of Trump’s “due process” rights. Needless to say, LOL no. Habba also bellyached that Trump’s lawyers won’t get Passover off, because “Observant Jews have a right to go and pray to who they want and observe Passover!” You know, whoever those Jewish people pray to. Also, the trial is off for four days of Passover, so Habba is lying.)
Trump begged PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can he have the day off from crime trial in May so he can attend the graduation of his beloved son what’s-his-name, no not Junior, no not Eric, the one what came out of Melania’s vagina while he was busy fucking a different porn lady he arranged payoffs for during the 2016 campaign?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE? Merchan said that May 17 is a long way away, and we’ll see. (Likely part of it is that we’ll see if Trump conducts himself like a good criminal defendant or if he acts like a gag-order-defying, court-disrupting hellion piece of shit. That could factor.)
Judging by the histrionics we’re witnessing from Trump, the older idiots that grew from his mangled sperm, and the mouthbreathing MAGA diaspora, you’d think Judge Juan Merchan had ruled he was never allowed to see his young son again.
“Forcing Trump to skip his son's graduation is actually an act of evil. There's simply no other word for it. It's evil,” whined weird MAGA anal fissure Jack Posobiec, lying. “Pure evil,” hissed Trump junior, his saliva presumably collecting in his cheeks, covered in sweat. “Judge Merchan is truly heartless in not letting a father attend his son’s graduation,” said Eric, not specifying which son.
“I was looking forward to that graduation, with his mother and father there, and it looks like the judge does not allow me to escape this scam,” said Trump outside the courtroom, lying.
This wailing on Truth Social was goddamned hilarious:
Who will explain for me, to my wonderful son, Barron, who is a GREAT Student at a fantastic School, that his Dad will likely not be allowed to attend his Graduation Ceremony, something that we have been talking about for years, because a seriously Conflicted and Corrupt New York State Judge wants me in Criminal Court on a bogus “Biden Case” which, according to virtually all Legal Scholars and Pundits, has no merit, and should NEVER have been brought. This Fake Case is solely meant to attack Crooked Joe Biden’s Political Opponent, ME, who is seriously leading him in the Polls, for purposes of Election Interference. The Judge, Juan Merchan, is preventing me from proudly attending my son’s Graduation. Seems very unfair, doesn’t it? But this whole event is unfair. Every one of the many Fake Cases that are perpetuated by the White House in order to help the Worst President in History, by far, get Re-Elected, are UNJUST SCAMS. We won’t let that happen, but we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
Who will explain on his behalf to Barron, he asked, that dear Father will not be coming to graduation, a day they’ve been talking about for YEARS, like fathers and sons who talk about things and occasionally see each other?
Every babbling pigfuck in MAGA world is screaming about this, and it simply isn’t true. Kari Lake, doing an impression of a human with a soul, tweeted, “I am heartbroken for President Trump & Barron. All the hard work our kids put into graduating, & President Trump is being robbed of getting to experience his son’s High School graduation ceremony. This corrupt judge is heartless & cruel.”
Senator Mike Lee, one of the least serious members of Congress by any metric, tweeted, “Telling Trump he can’t attend Barron’s graduation goes beyond mere jackassery. This is deliberately cruel.”
REAL TALK: If Donald Trump could tell America five things about Barron Trump that involve personal knowledge of the child — like maybe what music he likes to listen to, or who he has a crush on, a food he craves, anything, we might just keel over from shock. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about going to that graduation, and if he didn’t have court that day, he’d spend it waddling around a golf course, lying and saying he won another tournament.
As far as the rest of the day, Judge Merchan DID tell Trump that if he doesn’t show up for court he’ll be arrested, just in general.
And Trump DID reportedly fall asleep in court a whole bunch, per Maggie Haberman, and he was so mad at her for reporting it he stared her down in the courtroom. That’s why “Don Snoreleone” and “Sleepy Don” were trendng on Twitter, and are now his new names. Obviously the Biden campaign is trolling Trump hard about this, replete with Shaq memes:
MeidasTouch has a good rundown of the ticktock of the goings-on what happened in the courtoom yesterday: the tiny handful of weak and sad Laura Loomers who showed up to protest on Trump’s behalf; the beginning of jury selection; questions about what will happen to Trump when he violates his gag orders; all kinds of evidence that will and will not be allowed. (A bunch of the tapes you’d think a jury might like to hear — grab ‘em by the pussy, the E. Jean Carroll deposition, etc. — Merchan ruled too prejudicial. You know, because he’s SO UNFAIR.)
Trump apparently did not like it when he was sworn in as “MISTER Donald Trump.”
And more!
This is going to be a slog. But Donald Trump is officially a criminal defendant, and everything that happens from now on in the 2024 presidential campaign will reflect that reality.
MAGA is already going, and will continue to go, absolutely certifiably bugfuck.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Joe Biden should go to Barron's graduation
“Observant Jews have a right to go and pray to who they want..."
Yes, well, I asked my employer for a week off to pray to Carlotta, the Queen of Available Parking Spaces, and the boss gave me a very firm "NO."