During the 2016 Republican primary, confirmed bachelor candidate Lindsey Graham was asked about his status as a single man, and what that would be like when a first spouse was needed for things first spouses traditionally do. And he was like hey, maybe my sister can be the first lady! And then he said “We’ll have a rotating first lady!” and everybody was like “Ew” and it didn’t matter, because Lindsey Graham will never be president of anything.
It’s dumb that it’s still some unwritten requirement that the American president be married, but this does come up every time there’s a single person running. So now we have a different single Republican man from South Carolina who will never be president, and his name is Tim Scott, and people are begging him for answers about who he’s fucking.
People need to know! You expect us to give you the nuclear codes if you cannot even do an intercourse?
There used to be this whole thing about Tim Scott being a virgin, he was waiting for a marriage that never came, and everybody was like “Ew.” But then he revealed back in 2012 that at some point he finally did what Satan has been tempting him to do this entire time, and completed at least one (1) fuck.
“Oh good,” said America, about Tim Scott’s accomplishment.
Fast forward to now, and Tim Scott is still not married. Maybe he’s scratched a second sexual experience off his bucket list, maybe he hasn’t, but he allegedly has a giiiiiiiiiiirllllllllllfriend. But nobody has meeeeeeeeet herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. But she’s definitely reaaaaaaaaaaal. She’s just from Canada and you don’t knooooooowwwwwwwww herrrrrrrrrr.
No really, this is a thing. People are on the hunt for Tim Scott’s girlfriend, like she’s the great pumpkin.
He said back in May that he has a girlfriend. “Obviously, at this point I’m taken!” said Tim Scott this weekend to Brian Kilmeade on Fox News like somebody who is sharing an obvious fact. “The good news is that God has blessed me with a smart, Christian woman,” he said like a man who knows what the good news is. “That’s great news,” he added, about himself.
He said people are only asking about this because of his rise in the polls, to which point the polls responded “HEEEEENGH?” Will we get to meet Tim Scott’s girlfriend at some time in the future, asked Brian Kilmeade? Yes, definitely, in the future, for certain! (Pertinent section starts around five minutes in.)
The Washington Post is expending resources trying to find Tim Scott’s girlfriend, like they’re searching for a Democrat’s long-lost Chaturbate account. The same reporter who broke the story of Scott’s broken purity pledge is on the case, Ben Terris.
He cannot find her in a car.
He cannot find her in a bar.
He cannot find her with a magnifying lens.
He cannot find her when he asks Scott’s friends:
“No, I don’t think he’s ever been engaged,” [Scott’s childhood friend Brian Moniz] said when I spoke to him in August.
As for any current girlfriend, Moniz said: “I am not aware of anyone at this time.” […]
Six friends I spoke with said they didn’t know about a woman in his life. Others never returned my calls.
He cannot find her on a map.
He cannot find her when he asks Matt Schlapp:
Scott is not gay, [Scott’s friend and campaign manager Jennifer] DeCasper told me, and nobody who knows him suggested otherwise. But the rumor mill is lazy, and the “joke” about the senator’s sexuality still gets repeated. Early last year, for example, Matt Schlapp, the head of the Conservative Political Action Conference, asked me whom I thought Trump might choose as his 2024 running mate. When I mentioned Scott, Schlapp replied: “You think he picks a gay vice president?” (Incidentally, Schlapp, who is married with five kids, was later accused of unwanted groping by a male staffer on Herschel Walker’s Senate campaign. He has denied the allegations.)
Ha ha, it’s funny because ha ha. Matt Schlapp making gay innuendoes about people. Ha ha.
Oh No, The Daily Beast And Its Lover Satan Are Chasing Perfect Christians Matt And Mercedes Schlapp
But look, it’s real, and you can’t say it isn’t. One of Scott’s friends from church set them up. “They started talking, hitting it off with discussions about God and using a phone app to do a Bible study together.” Typical Christian foreplay. They did dates. REAL DATES.
Technically I can’t verify that she exists, except to note that for a presidential campaign to essentially reverse-catfish America would be insane. (By way of corroboration, DeCasper offered that she’s personally hung out with her at the zoo.)
She goes to ZOOS, and she is dating TIM SCOTT, and they kiss with TONGUES, and they coitus with CLOACAS or whatever, and it is ROMANCE.
You know how real relationships are.
And nobody in Canada has ever met her, but she probably lives in a different part of Canada only Tim Scott has ever heard of, the end.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
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OT: The former Memphis police officers charged with the murder of Tyre Nichols have been federally indicted.
Scott's girlfriend was talking about God.
"God, this is the worst date I've ever had. Jesus, help me."