Oh No, The Daily Beast And Its Lover Satan Are Chasing Perfect Christians Matt And Mercedes Schlapp
Stop, Daily Beast and its lover Satan, stop.
No joke Wonkette makes, however minor, is too crazy that literally the next day it is not in danger of becoming reality. That is the America we now live in.
On Tuesday, we had an update on the trials and tribulations of Matt Schlapp of CPAC and the American Conservative Union, about whom there are more allegations that he likes to try to touch guy weeners when his Christian wife Mercy isn’t looking.
Yes, on top of the lawsuit from the former Herschel Walker staffer. Trouble over there in CPAC world!
And we mentioned in passing that ever since this began, the Schlapps, both of them, have had this bizarre predilection for blaming this all on the Daily Beast, acting as if the publication solely exists to concoct conspiracies to take them down. Unhinged? Well yeah. Hilariously self-important? LOL sure, Matt, you and Mrs. Batshit are definitely worth all that trouble. Bet!
Lord, it doesn’t even make sense. Especially since different news outlets are corroborating accusations with accusers and whatnot, none of who have anything to do with the Daily Beast.
And when these new accusations came out, the news came out in the Washington Post. The Daily Beast confirmed them on their own, like journalists do.
But still, when the spox for the ACU and CPAC responded to the latest story, they still blamed the Daily Beast, like people who aren’t crazy:
In a 362-word statement, ACU and CPAC spokesperson Alexandra Preate falsely claimed that The Daily Beast was “on a partisan mission” with Huffman and his lawyer to “destroy ACU/CPAC, one of the most effective and respected conservative organizations in the country, and its leader Matt Schlapp.”
UHHHH. Yeah definitely.
So we referred to the Daily Beast in our article Tuesday as Big Gay Satan. Just a dumb throwaway joke.
Now here is literal actual Mercedes Schlapp today:
“The Daily Beast is Satan’s publication to persecute Christians and their families.”
LMAO no that’s Wonkette.
But seriously, grow up. We understand it might be hard for all these extremely surprising accusations to be coming out about thy Christian husband, the one whose white hair looks like it belongs on a door-to-door Bible salesman in an episode of “Dateline” about some kind of Jesus cult gone very, very wrong, but let’s not accuse nice news websites of being agents of imaginary devils under your bed.
The devil under your bed appears to be your husband.
Speaking of, here is literal actual Matt Schlapp, six minutes later, quote-tweeting his Christian wife and trying in vain to make a kneeschlapper. (We went this far into this post without a Schlapp pun, that’s a record.)
“Soon to start a weekend edition: the Saturday Satan.”
Good try.
Schlapp also tweeted this yesterday, which … oh my God.
“Our Lady of Guadalupe, strike down the BEAST,” it says. And it’s got the Daily Beast logo at the bottom.
Now, we are not Catholic, but from our rudimentary research it appears the Virgin of Guadalupe is associated with lots of things, particularly as the patron saint of the Americas. She’s real big in Mexico and South America. It also appears the anti-abortion movement has adopted her as their mascot.
Nothing we found says she is the patron saint of protecting dudes who are accused of trying to yank dicks when their Christian wives aren’t looking.
Granted, we did not research a lot, and again we are not a Catholic.
Mercedes Schlapp is meanwhile asking St. Michael the Archangel to go vanquish the Daily Beast:
Our research says Michael the Archangel is patron saint of doctors, grocers, soldiers, police, and bankers. (Is that the five Village People? Wait no.)
Says nothing about conservative “family values” type political operatives who are being sued by a conservative male political staffer for “grabbed my junk and pummeled it at length.”
But hey, maybe.
These people are fucking psychos, man.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
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Look, everyone acts like this is Matt Schlapp's fault, but he's already explained that by definition there are only so many times you can hear someone talking about Herschel Walker's staff before you gotta grab some dick.
I wonder if it's ever occurred to Matty and Mercy that all these accusations and publicity might end if Matt would stop molesting young men against their will?