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North Carolina Gov Pat McCrory Finally Concedes Election He Lost A Month Ago. It's A Christmas Miracle!
What was that thing William S. Burroughs said about 'Decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces'?
North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory (R-Your Restroom) has at long last conceded the election that took place almost a month ago, offering a combination of holiday greeting and concession speech on the YouTubes, because what says "Merry Christmas (NOT 'HAPPY HOLIDAYS' YOU HEATHENS)" more beautifully than admitting you'll need to leave a forwarding address for Saint Nick?
After the obligatory "thank you" to Our Veterans, who make Christmas possible by keeping terrorists away from Baby Jebus, McCrory finally got around to the concession part:
During this wonderful season, it’s also time to celebrate our democratic process and respect what I see to be the ultimate outcome of the closest North Carolina Governor’s race in modern history. Despite continued questions that should be answered regarding the voting process, I personally believe that the majority of our citizens have spoken
McCrory conceded near the end of a recount he requested of the vote in Durham County, one of the state's largest; his early lead there on election night evaporated after early votes from several precincts were added to the total count late in the evening. The Republican-controlled Durham County Election Board explained that the late returns were the result of problems with computer memory cards from voting machines, which required them to tabulate the results from paper backups. Despite McCrory's evidence-free allegations of statewide voter fraud, the final tally had him losing by over 10,000 votes.
Some trivia for you: With his concession, McCrory becomes the first North Carolina governor to lose a bid for reelection. (There is no truth to the rumor we just made up that past disputes over close votes have all been handled by combat to the death using the Klingon ritual weapon, the bat'leth. )
Even in conceding, however, McCrory still had to be a jerk baby with that line about "continued questions that should be answered regarding the voting process," despite the findings of every single county election board in the state, all of which are controlled by Republicans, and many of which had actually engaged in outrageous efforts to suppress Democratic turnout.
Nevertheless, McCrory was a fairly gracious jerk baby, adding that "we now should do everything we can to support the 75th governor of North Carolina, Roy Cooper," his Democratic opponent. McCrory promised his administration "will assist in every way to help the new administration make a smooth transition." Even if everyone knows the Democrats stole the election, despite any evidence of it. Presumably, McCrory will spend part of his remaining time in office continuing to call for investigations of votes in several counties; on Saturday, he called for the State Bureau of Investigation to look into absentee ballots in Bladen County, after the State Board of Elections rejected a Republican request for the absentee ballots to be thrown out. Gee, think there's any chance that could be setting the stage for the Republican-dominated state legislature to ram through a whole bunch of voting restrictions in hopes that a Trump-controlled Justice Department will let 'em through?
In his turn, Governor-elect Roy Cooper issued a statement that sounds awfully gracious to the obstructionist old teabagger, and displays no external evidence of having been signed with gritted teeth:
“I want to thank Gov. McCrory and our First Lady Ann McCrory for their service to our state,” Cooper wrote. “Kristin and I look forward to working with them and their staff in what I expect will be a smooth transition. I’m proud to have received the support from so many who believe that we can come together to make a North Carolina that works for everyone. ... While this was a divisive election season, I know still that there is more that unites us than divides us.”
And what's next for Pat McCrory? Considering how friendly the incoming Trump administration is to Voting Rights, with Jeff Sessions the nominee for Attorney General and Kansas Vote Suppression czar Kris Kobach working on Trump's transition team, we have little doubt the Trump Justice Department will find a place for McCrory in the Civil Rights Division. That, or McCrory may just wander the Target Stores of America, screaming about transgender rapists in the terlets.