Noted Veejay Bill Donahue Reviews New Bowie Video, Gives It Zero Stars

You know, most people have a pretty predictable range of emotions regarding David Bowie's new record. Some range from "OHMYGOD BOWIE IS BACK" (which is the camp this particular portion of yr Wonkette inhabits) to "meh, it is no  Heroes  ," to "don't care, never liked him." These are rational responses to pop culture and these things probably cover the range of your feelings on the matter. Unless, of course, you are fringey self-anointed Catholic spokesperson Bill Donahue of the "Catholic" "League," in which case it is time to get all batshit angerbear about David Bowie because something something old man homosexual something:  

David Bowie is back, but hopefully not for long. The switch-hitting, bisexual, senior citizen from London has resurfaced, this time playing a Jesus-like character who hangs out in a nightclub dump frequented by priests, cardinals and half-naked women.

Isn't it just ADORABLE when right-wingers try to get all hip with the youth culture. Pro-tip, Bill Donahue: "switch-hitting" and "bisexual" mean the exact same thing. Also, we're not really sure why dinging Bowie for his age is a thing, particularly when Bill Donahue is a whopping 6 months younger than the Thin White Duke. (No, really. We looked it up.) We are also not sure why we care that Bowie lives in London as last time we checked the whole dealio about the Catholic Church is that it is the same everywhere, now and forever, amen, so London should be OK, right?

So clearly we should be mad because David Bowie is old and half-gay and foreign, but we should also be mad because he has not yet settled on joining the One True Church:

Bowie is nothing if not confused about religion. He once made a public confession: “I was young, fancy free, and Tibetan Buddhism appealed to me at that time. I thought, ‘There’s salvation.’ It didn’t really work. Then I went through Nietzsche, Satanism, Christianity…pottery, and ended up singing. It’s been a long road.” Too bad the pottery didn’t work.

But Bowie didn’t give up trying to figure out who he is. “I’m not quite an atheist and it worries me. There’s a little bit that holds on. Well, I’m almost an atheist. Give me a couple of months.”

Well, Bowie has had more than a couple of months—it’s been ten years since he spoke those words. Not sure what he believes in today (anyone who is “not quite an atheist” is not an atheist), but it’s a sure bet he can’t stop thinking about the Cadillac of all religions, namely Roman Catholicism. There is hope for him yet.

HORROR OF HORRORS. David Bowie sounds like...like...pretty much EVERY BOOMER EVER, what with the questing for religious meaning and the dabbling in "Eastern" religions. And yeah, Bill Donahue, you should definitely hold out hope that David Bowie -- DAVIE BOWIE -- will join your retrograde church. Even with cool New Pope, you're not exactly a home for the gays and the freaks and the liberals.

So how is the video, you ask? Here's a helpful summary that we did not write at all:

The video opens with a priest played by [Gary] Oldman punching a street-urchin beggar in the face, then continuing into a club filled with clergy engaging in all sorts of un-priestly activity. A Christ-like Bowie sings from a stage while scantily clad women dance suggestively – until one of them, played by [Marion] Cotillard, develops stigmata, bringing the party to a sudden, bloody halt.

So, basically, it is "Like a Prayer" meets Candide but with more blood and more Bowie and more famous people. Also, too, Bowie ascends to heaven at the end. We see no problem here. Sign us up.

TRIGGER WARNING AND SPOILER ALERT: the video is slightly NSFW in that there's a ladyperson wearing nothing but nipple shields so if you work for the Catholic Church or have people looming over your shoulder, probably should check that shit out on your phone, mmmkay?

[ Catholic League / Rolling Stone ]