Obama Refuses To Say How He Rigged New Hampshire Primary

New Hampshire right now

Oooh, that devilish Obama! New Hampshiritiantonians are holding their FIRST!!!!1! in the nation primary right now -- like, right now now -- and the president refuses to tell the American people The Truth about just how he and his jackbooted New Black Panther ACORN thugs did Jade Helm to fix the results.

During a pool spray in the Roosevelt Room, after the president finished flapping his facehole about what a freakin' awesome job he's done as usurper-in-chief -- “Unemployment is down. Deficits are down. Gas prices are down. Job creation and wages … are all up," he bragged -- some intrepid reporter asked him the far more important question of who's going to win in New Hampshire Tuesday night. To which the president answered, "I have no idea."

Yeah. That's exactly what he would say if he were trying to cover up his evil Jade Helm scheme to cancel the 2016 election and executive order himself president for life. Or make Jim Gilmore the winner of the Republican primary, for laughs. Whichever!

Or it's possible that President Barry H. O'Bamz don't give no fucks because he is thiiiiiis close to being soooo outta here, which is why David Brooks misses him already. It's even possible the practically former president is like, "WhatEVER, America, I've done all I can for you, and you don't even say thank you, so enjoy President Trump or that Martin O'Malley guy if he's still around, I DON'T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE I STOPPED CARING. I'll be Netflix-and-chilling at home, hoping Michelle takes my ass to Red Lobster ."

Anyway. Obama isn't going to spoiler alert the results of New Hampshire's primary, what a jerk, so guess we'll have to just WATCH THIS SPACE. Because yes and duh, of course we will be liveblogging all the Granite State sexcitement for you, dear readers, starting at 7 PM Eastern, when most (but not all?!) of the polls close, we guess because New Hampshire is such a giant state, spaning 14 time zones, that they can't just decide all at the same time who wins the coin flip.

[White House pool report, h/t TPM ]