Oklahoma, Where The Batsh*t That Sleepy Joe Stole The Election Comes Sweeping Down The Plain
A surrey with a fringe on top? In this economy?
Welcome to your teacher training for the 2025-’26 school year, fellow Oklahomans! Or should I say Oklahomo-ans if you are one of the members of our gay community. Also, being gay is now illegal in Oklahoma*, so consider yourselves fired. Please exit the room and the state in an orderly fashion with no swishing.
Okay, for those of you who are left, let’s get down to business! As you know, our state education department has instituted some very exciting curriculum changes for this upcoming year. These changes have the backing of our Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters. In fact, they were Superintendent Walters’ idea. He’s very hands-on in the development of all curricula in the state now, since too many of you were teaching woke stuff like “racism is bad” and “not everyone loves Jesus.” No more mentioning the divinity of Allah or the Buddha or Emperor Haile Selassie I. Anyone who even thinks it will be fired.
First, let’s talk social studies. As you know, our new curriculum requires you to teach your students that Joe Biden and the Democrats stole the 2020 election. As the guidelines state on page 118:
Identify discrepancies in 2020 elections results by looking at graphs and other information, including the sudden halting of ballot-counting in select cities in key battleground states, the security risks of mail-in balloting, sudden batch dumps, an unforeseen record number of voters, and the unprecedented contradiction of “bellwether county” trends.
Now, many of you have already made your objections to this area of the curriculum known, and believe me, I’ve heard them all: That didn’t happen. There has never been any evidence of widespread election fraud. Multiple courts of law have rejected all of Trump’s allegations. He lost 60 cases just in the weeks after the election, for Chrissakes. The only frauds were all the people who went to prison trying to prove this nonexistent fraud. How about I quit and you hire that fuck-knuckle Mike Lindell to teach my class?
To which I say, I hear you! There has been a lot of controversy over the 2020 election! And Superintendent Walters feels that our job as educators is not to, quote, teach facts. Nor is it our job to, quote, tell the students what happened simply because it’s true. Our job is to teach the controversy, that’s all. No matter how strained and phony the controversy may be, the fact is, it exists. Because people baselessly made it up. So it’s not really an empirical controversy. But still.
In light of your objections, however, I have been authorized to tell you that anyone who refuses to inform students about how Sleepy Joe stole the presidency from our rightful, Christ-anointed leader Donald Trump will be fired for insubordination. Also, you will be condemned to an eternity wrapped in chains at the bottom of a lake of fire, not alive but not able to ever die, your skin burnt black and your lungs so scorched by flames that every breath is a searing agony a hundred thousand times more excruciating than any pain you ever felt on Earth.
Or you can just bite your tongue and tell your students that Rudy Giuliani was right about everything. Superintendent Walters was very insistent on this point. Your choice!
Relatedly, some of you have expressed concern that while the original draft of these standards instructed you to teach about the Biden administration’s successes and failures, the new draft pretty much throws all the successes out the window and tells you to concentrate on the failures. I’ve personally spoken to Superintendent Walters about this, and he responded, quote, “Duh! Have you met me?” Then he poked his finger hard against my forehead a few times and walked away.
I think he was still amped up from preaching about sending anyone who ignores his orders to their damnation in the fiery lake. So, while I’m icing my forehead, I'll just tell you to assume the answer is that everyone should forget we ever asked.
Are there any questions?
Yes. The answer to that is yes, you will be teaching the Bible. Not all the time, though! Just a few days here with the story of Adam and Eve, a few days there with the story of Moses, a few more days over here with all the ways we know the Founding Fathers modeled the Constitution on the Bible to make us a Christian nation ...
No, children cannot opt out of these lessons if their parents don’t like the material, this isn’t sex ed class.
Superintendent Walters just feels that children don’t get enough religious education in our schools these days. Yes, I know decades of law and custom say they shouldn’t. But the superintendent believes that Thomas Jefferson only said that thing about the separation of church and state because he was mad with sinful lust for his slaves. Therefore, Superintendent Walters doesn’t think it should count.
It’s just that Superintendent Walters loves both Jesus and Donald Trump very much, and is at all times thirsty for the approval of one or the other.
I do have some good news. Evolution is still allowed, for now, as is math. Also, they’re still tweaking the Biblical Numerology in Ancient Texts module, so we likely won't have to teach that this year.
Science teachers, you have no limits, other than you can’t acknowledge climate change. Or anything about the environment. Or ecology. Or geology. Or biology. Definitely not biology. Any lessons about space have to include watching this lady’s Instagram Reels to learn about the moon disappearing.
Oh, and also, no teaching that germs cause illness. That actually comes from the federal government, and they have threatened to pull all our funding if we don’t obey**. Go yell at the Secretary of Health and Human Services, not me.
Well, I don’t know. How about you tell them germs don’t cause disease, but you say it sarcastically and keep giving the kids big, exaggerated winks?
* Being gay not actually outlawed in Oklahoma yet.
** Germ theory not actually outlawed in schools yet, but Robert F. Kennedy Jr. believes some weird fucking shit.
Support from our readers is all we need. Also this ashtray.
I think we probably all died from Covid and this is hell.
Oh fuck me I made an offer they said yes I bought a great big house