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Operation American Spring Will Bring 10-30 Million Patriots To DC Friday, If You Include Imaginary Friends
There's a new billion-moron march in town, if by "new" you mean "they've tried this before,"and if by "billion" you mean"a few hundred,"and if by "moron" you mean"moron." But they're definitelyon their way, and Friday is the day they are going to scare that Kenyan Usurper fellow right out of "OUR WHITE HOUSE." All ten to thirty million of them, give or take 9.9999 to 30 million or so.
See, here's how it's going to work, according to super-grifter Harry Riley, who apparently gets off on having his former Army rank mentioned, so of course we'll leave that out, because we are cruel that way:
We are calling for the removal of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, and Eric Holder as a start toward constitutional restoration ... They have all abandoned the US Constitution, are unworthy to be retained in a position that calls for servant status.
We don't know whether Riley means "public servant" or "domestic servant" there, and can't be certain that he even knows the difference. But what's definitely going to happen, after they've removed those evildoers somehow, is that the remaining lawmakers will be compelled, by the sheer moral force of the protestors' presence, to "sponsor and pass very Constitutionally crafted State legislation to dissolve the size, powers, scope and spending of the U.S. Government by 2/3rds.” Then, maybe they'll be allowed a dinner break, we guess.
Also, for sort of a Cold Dead Hands Across America feel, they're going to coordinate the Giant DC Suckfest with a second event at the Bundy Ranch in Nevada, barring any drone strikes or internal unrest.
Then, next, you see (we like to imagine Riley laying all this out with tabletop game figurines, maybe pausing to go "Pew-pew-pew!" during the exciting freedom-fight scenes), the states will all reassert their power, and they'll just nullify "all withholding taxes, employment taxes, employer taxes, and income taxes," which is going to make everybody who works for a living rich. Their facebook page promises:
This will effectively DOUBLE the size of ALL American Middle Class family weekly paychecks and cause our local city and town economies to boom.
That is gonna be so SWEET. We bet some of their supporters have already got their eyes on the first of shiny new AR-15's they're gonna buy, hell, why not one every week with all that extra income?
Wingnut Judson Phillips, the Tea Party Nation founder who found the secret Constitutional loophole that prevented Barack Obama from being sworn in for a second term, is totally into the Big New Revolution, though he's a bit worried that the Feds may actually wipe out the Rebel Alliance with their Death Star:
“There is no way a militia with small arms can defeat the kind of arms the U.S. government can bring to bear on such a battle, but one has to admire the courage of those people who showed up to confront them,” Phillips said, comparing the protest to the American Revolution. “That’s quintessentially American!”
And Terry Trussell, the spokesman for Operation Merkin Spring, is also concerned that Barack Hussein Obama will order drone strikes on the patriot encampment in DC, the way he does.
Riley says that he's not looking for violence, but gosh darn it, Americans have just been pushed to the limit:
For more than five years, "we the people" have been writing, calling, faxing Congress, the media, screaming in Town Halls, marching, rallying, demonstrating, petitioning, all to no avail. Every branch of government looks at "we the people" whom they have taken an oath to serve, as ‘pests,’ interfering with their political agenda, cramping their self-serving, greedy agendas. We have no faith in the ballot box any longer, as many believe this sacred secret box has been compromised.
Happily, he found a model that's bound to work: the brave freedom fighters of the "Egyptian Spring" of 2011, which he can't seem to bring himself to call the "Arab Spring," because who'd want to be like those people? And he's completely sure that 10 to 30 million is a realistic number because of all the good people in this great land who are fed up with the Usurper:
Every political persuasion, rich, poor, every color, all ages, men, women, liberal, conservative, independent, unemployed, et al, are now mobilizing to participate in this peaceful, non-violent, cause in the search for constitutional restoration for America. We have well over 1 million militia members mobilizing; bikers, truckers, hunters, Tea Party groups….citizens across America. No, I don’t think 10 million is high at all…the energy, determination, and willingness to have the “back” of the United States Constitution has finally resonated with the call, “enough is enough”…..we’ll have no more of it!
Also, the back of the Constitution has a lot of neat blank space to draw on, too.
Now, not everyone is convinced that this latest trillion-moron trip is the best idea -- there's at least one blogger at always-reliable web resource Before It's News who's warning that the whole American Spring Fling is a false flag operation designed to trap Patriots and give Barack Hussein Obama an excuse to declare martial law so there will never be any elections again ever -- even the name of Riley's little militia hoedown is "synonymous with Islamic terrorism." You know, just like "The Prague Spring" makes you think of godless communism. Also, thanks very much to RawStory for linking to this "OMG IT'S A TRAP" post, because it is the very first bit of wingnuttia that we've come across to actually suggest that the death of North Carolina Congressional Candidate Keith Crisco is going to become part of a larger conspiracy:
The notion that U.S. politicians are actively being targeted was recently witnessed on May 9, 2014, when the FBI allegedly arrested an Indiana man for threats against House Speaker John Boehner. Three days later on May 12, 2014, Keith Crisco, a politician from North Carolina, was found dead in his home. Needless to say, the blame for these events will likely be scapegoated onto so-called “patriots” in the wake of upcoming Washington, D.C.-related attacks.
Yep. We're all pretty sure that gravity is in on the plot, too.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He doesn't dare tell you how the giraffes fit into all this.