Pants Presser Pressed! It’s Hope Hicks At The Trump Trial

Steamed defendant can’t even look at her.

Glare, glare, glare

Thursday Afternoon

Did Thursday’s court go great for Donald John Trump? You can catch up here! TL;DR: He didn’t get sent on the Grey Goose to Rikers for contempt, but by the end of the day, #VonShitzInPants was entered into the court record and trending on Twitter. 

Thursday afternoon he also stood in front of the courthouse to lie, “I’m not allowed to testify because this judge is totally conflicted — has me under an institutional gag order. Nobody’s ever had that before, and we don’t like it, it’s not fair!” while Todd Blanche nodded beside him, which seems maybe a little unethical.

He took to his failing website (oh look, more fraud!) to defend himself against allegations that he was sleeping in court. 

And things got still worse for him. After Keith Davidson stepped down from the stand, we were reminded that Cohen recorded all of his interactions with the scumbags in his orbit, sensing the wheels of the Trump bus at his heels. Cohen’s recordings were entered into evidence, so you can listen to them yourself, and sample them into a remix with a four-on-the-floor beat and some airhorns.

After court Thursday, Trump also found time to do a photo op, pretending to deliver pizzas to a firehouse, while down in Florida, Ivanka and Jared went to Carbone, and the other family members who couldn’t be bothered to show up for him in court partied on his dime at Mar-a-Lago with Jon Secada (or at least a guy who looks a lot like him), because every night is New Year’s Eve at the Overlook Hotel.

Oh, and Trump violated the gag order again, reposting a video from Steve Bannon with Roodles’ dipshit son Andrew Giuliani, who was “just pointing out the fact that the judge’s daughter has profited to the tune of $90 million. That’s right. Over $90 million from Adam Schiff, Kamala Harris, and other leftists.” Complete lie, of course. Throw that contempt on his pile! 

Friday Morning

Maybe Friday would go better? No such luck! Zero family members in court, just Boris Epshteyn joined by Jason Miller, that guy who allegedly put abortion pills in his mistress’s smoothie and then got her sidelined from her White House job for being pregnant (Kellyanne Conway was recently deposed for her ongoing lawsuit).

Judge Juan Merchan started off Friday by calling bullshit on Trump’s whinings and lyings that he is not “allowed” to testify and made it clear it’s his constitutional right, so buck up, fucko! Will Trump actually do it? It would be wildly dumb, and also he’s just that crazy, so maybe.

Then it was back to the stand for forensic analyst Doug Daus, who authenticated the extraction from Michel Cohen’s phone, with Emil Bove desperately trying to argue that the recording of Trump saying "So, what do we got to pay for this? 150?" was fake, or tampered with, somehow, even though there was no evidence of that. 

Trump started dozing off again.

Next up, Georgia Longstreet, a paralegal at the DA’s office in Manhattan with the Augean job of reviewing Trump’s social media posts. She reads off some of his greatest hits, like the apology video after the “Access Hollywood” tape dropped. Trump apologizing for something, those were the days: "Anyone who knows me knows this doesn't reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong, and I apologize. This is a distraction. I've said some foolish things. Bill Clinton has actually abused women, and Hillary has intimidated his victims.” Also various denials about his affairs: “Made up events that never happened." “Totally phoney [sic] stories.” “100% made up by women." “I did NOTHING wrong in the ‘horseface’ case,” and finally, “IF YOU GO AFTER ME, I'M COMING AFTER YOU."

And now the third witness for today, and OH BOY, IT’S HOPE HICKS, or as Trump used to call her, “GET IN HERE!”

Oh Boy, It’s Hope Hicks!

You remember her, the “Trump whisperer”! Former teen model, her dad was CEO of the Americas for Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide. She got a job with Trump at 26 with no political experience at all, and she rose to the position of White House press secretary after the departure of The Mooch. Top-tier enterprise that they were running!

Hicks was his longest-serving peon, and she followed him everywhere, pressing his pants while he was wearing them, sitting within shouting distance of his office, attending meetings, and always spinning his lies, no matter how ridiculous they were. She didn’t even date outside of the White House, preferring to get with wife-haver Corey Lewandowski, who’s 15 years her senior and has been married since 2005, and wife-beater Rob Porter.

When she arrived on the stand Trump woke up again, and started glaring at her, whispering and passing notes to Todd Blanche like a catty teenager.

Hope told the court she was nervous, and also that she’s retained her own counsel (smart). But nail, meet coffin. She corroborated the prosecution timeline (oof!) and how Trump knew and approved of everything that went on and everyone else just “followed his lead” (double oof!), that both of them were corresponding with Cohen and Pecker, and that his frantic-ness to deny the creepo stories that started coming out about him was all about the campaign. Though after he was elected and the Stormy story came out she says he did ask her to intercept the newspapers from Melania. Physical newspapers, what are those?

Hope claimed she didn’t recall seeing AMI head David Pecker at Trump Tower, though it was possible she did (and don’t worry, because Lordy, there are tapes!), but she remembers phone calls, like Pecker on speaker phone where Trump “congratulated” him about “the great reporting” on Ben Carson’s medical malpractice accusations, which Trump called “Pulitzer worthy,” and again to praise him for that made-up hit piece about Ted Cruz’s dad killing JFK, LOL.

Pulitzer worthy.

Then, October 7, 2016, shit meet fan, it’s the “Access Hollywood” tape! A Washington Post reporter emailed the campaign for comment about his pussygrabbing remarks, which sent campaign staff to DEFCON 1. “I forwarded the email to Steve Bannon, David Bossie, Kellyanne Conway, Jason Miller.” Speak of the devil! “There was consensus amongst us all that the tape was damaging and this was a crisis,” though Trump was more chill about it. “Trump felt like it was not a big deal, ‘not anything to get so upset over,’ ‘pretty standard stuff for two guys.’” 

In a world full of wife-beaters, multiple-mistress-havers and anti-abortion-abortion-smoothie makers presided over by a rapist, guess so! Hicks texted her co-workers, “DENY, DENY, DENY.”

PROSECUTOR MATTHEW COLANGELO: What was the media response?

HICKS: It was intense. It dominated the news cycle until the debate. News about a Category 4 hurricane fell away.

PROSECUTOR: Did prominent Republicans condemn Mr. Trump?

HICKS: Paul Ryan, Mitt Romney, the usual group.

PROSECUTOR: Did Paul Ryan disinvite Mr. Trump from a campaign event in Wisconsin?

BOVE: Objection!

MERCHAN: Overruled.

PROSECUTOR: Did Mr. Ryan say he was sickened by Mr. Trump?

HICKS: Sounds like something he would say.

PROSECUTOR: And Mitch McConnell — does this refresh your recollection?

HICKS:  He said it was repugnant and unacceptable. 

Moral indignation from Republicans, those were the days.

PROSECUTOR: Had you heard of Karen McDougal?

HICKS:  I heard in November 2016. 

PROSECUTOR: And Stormy Daniels? 

HICKS: In 2015, about a celebrity golf tournament. After I got the email from the WSJ [on November 4, 2016] I thought maybe through Rupert Mudoch we could buy some time. I forwarded it to Jared Kushner, he had a relationship.

Rupert didn’t stop his presses to save him, though, weird!

Trump started closing his eyes again.

Hope rang up David Pecker, who told her it was all kosher. “I asked what was going on, why was I receiving this email. He explained that Karen McDougal was paid for magazine covers and fitness columns and that it was all very legitimate and that was what the contract was for." Totally legal, totally cool.

Hope called up Michael Cohen, who vetted her denial: “Instead … say: These accusations are completely untrue and just the latest despicable attempt by the liberal media and the Clinton machine to distract the public from the FBI’s ongoing criminal investigation into Secretary Clinton and her closest associates.” He added, “I don't see it getting much play. It’s getting little to no traction.” Which was unfortunately true, with four days to go before the election, there was plenty more bullshit making headlines than a below-the-fold story from the WSJ.

All of this must have been hitting hard, because Trump punched out an all-caps screed during lunch.

And Hope testified that she and Trump rang up Pecker together. A simple media strategy was devised, DENY EVERYTHING. Trump told her that Michael Cohen “paid this woman to protect him from a false allegation from the kindness of his own heart, and that he didn't tell anyone that it happened.” But Hope didn’t buy it. “He was not charitable.”

Emil Bove got up for the cross, asking Hope if the Trump Organization created the communications position for her, which touched a nerve, and Hope teared up and started to cry, but pulled herself together after a quick break.

BOVE: Then for the campaign, in 2015-’16, Mr. Cohen wasn't part of the campaign, right?

HICKS: He would try to insert himself.

BOVE: He went rogue at times?

HICKS: He did. He liked to call himself a fixer — only because he first broke it (laughs).

Laugh laugh laugh, but Michael Cohen wasn’t the one dicking around coast to coast, and you sure seemed to like him just fine when you were calling him all the time and co-signing his lies, lady!

With that, trial was done for the week. Sounds pretty bad for Trump, but it only takes one crazy juror. What are the chances that in any given group of 12 New Yorkers, one of them is nuts? Just saying.

Until next time!

PREVIOUSLY!

Trump Court Thursday: Holy Lindsay Lohan!

[New York Magazine / GQ / CNN / National Enquirer]