I can share some of my observations from Mr. Star as a single dad. His ex was a bit more of a "cool friend" than parent figure, which sounds like your ex.
He was honest with Junior Stars (2) about what he could do, time wise, driving wise, money wise. He helped guide the juniors into how they could help, simple things like "here is a piece of paper on the fridge, add things to it that you want from the grocery store or when something runs out." It started a positive trend of not having to think about everything/think for everyone in the household. Then the juniors progressed to making their lunches and helping with laundry. Every small step like that helped them become more aware of their assumptions (toilet paper does not magically appear in the linen closet!) and also helped prepare them for college/adulthood. College was not always assumed, as the older child was not exactly interested in school. There were teenage shenanigans aplenty, though generally not at school (small mercies).
If your kids are growing in their maturity, it may help to talk honestly with your kiddos about how disruptive their mouthiness at school is. Maybe offer awareness and an enticement, like "two weeks with no sass" and we can do ___.
Like Sara said, glad you asked so you know you are not alone!
Writing down the grocery list as things run out is a good life hack in general for all of us. I have an erasable whiteboard on the fridge for this purpose. I sit down and build out a more formal grocery list weekly based on that, but having it on the fridge means it won't be forgotten in the shuffle. Excellent suggestion!
There are likely resources in your area to help you: you may want to start with a call to 211, or look online for 'essential community services in [my town]'. Also, just wanted to add: trying to make him take more responsibility or be a more effective parent will 100% just be added work for you, so good for you for not pinning your hopes there.
sorry, I forgot to add: I work for a NPO that provides free after-school programs and family support to parents in need (especially single moms), so there are some programs out there...
..And I used to work for one as well, more than a decade ago. Sadly, that one no longer exists -- but there may be others in your area? One of the things my late sister & I did in her (single mom, 2 VERY challenging kids)case was to get both kids into after-school, and the younger into the Pals program and (free) therapy for the whole shootin' match.
Took us awhile to stitch all the available services into a quilt that was gonna work -- there were aa couple of spectacular bobbles but oh well -- and get some stability for all involved. Laenie (sis) finally got to a place where she waasn't resorting to phone calls at 2 a.m. and I wasn't feeling like a co-parent to her 2 as well as my 3.
Keep trying. You deserve calm and a manageable life!
Tell the school’s counselor this situation. Ours would email the kid’s teachers and tactfully say that there’s a lot going on and give suggestions for keeping things from escalating to a meeting (i.e. please give some grace for typical harmless teen mouthiness). Doesn’t mean the kids have to go talk to the counselor but if they decide they want to, they’re already in the loop about the stress you are under. You can also tell the office to call the kids’ dad first unless it is an emergency. Won’t guarantee it changes his level of involvement, but may take some of the garden-variety grades and tardies bullshit off your plate.
“Let us first be clear on what a Rage Walk is: a brisk, cardio-enhancing stroll during which you listen to anger bear music (death metal is fun, but so are all the pop songs in which a lady is very mad at a man) and possibly kick rocks with great venom.”
If you don't like parenting, then don't have kids. That was my solution. As horrible as it may make me. I don't have a particular fondness for babies and small children. Realizing this, I decided to have no children. I'm the male version of a "crazy cat lady". whatever that is. I have no regrets
I was also never drawn to having kids. I came to better understand my hesitation, which early on, was mostly the fact that I was very poor as were all my potential sperm donors. But as I got older and thought more about my mom and her life I understood another big factor. My Mom earned a chemistry degree at University of Denver and then put it to good use doing what women did in days of yore. She became a flight attendant and got married. Her Mom had died when she was 14. By the time the pill became available Mom had already popped out 6 kids. But not because she always dreamed of having endless cooking, laundry, housecleaning and chauffeuring! Anyway, when she got very frustrated with me being obnoxious, as small children will be, she would admonish me by saying 'don't ever have kids!'.
Why are you choosing to be a dismissive, belittling ass? Thank goodness you had the sense not to make others (children) suffer your holier than thou attitude.
Like stopping to help the victim of a car crash by telling them that's why you choose not to drive a car. Make sense. As a response to the initial poster not helpful...
Not my intention. I'm simply stating that some people should opt to not have children. I'm one of them. Your analogy may be somewhat correct. If you know you suck at driving maybe you should take the bus instead.,
Thank you, Not everybody makes a good parent. There should be no shame in admitting to that. As to the driving, I had an uncle who could just never learn to drive. He was a very intelligent, literate man, otherwise. My last ditch attempt at driving instruction for him, when he was in his late 40s, ended up with him smashing into the front of a drugstore. Luckily no one was injured, but that was the last time he got behind the wheel
Yes, I end up doing that. After my relations have their kids all fucked up, they drop them at my doorstep when they're teens, expecting me to work a miracle.
I hesitate to say it because I know standards vary by location, but if the teens are old enough to sit for someone else then I would suggest they can pull the weight for an afternoon. If you cannot or will not compensate them monetarily, the option of bribing with a non-monetary thing is also good and fine. (Permission to do a thing they normally wouldn’t get to do much, car borrowing, or getting out of chores are all cromulent options.) Especially if they are already of an inclination to be killing time at home eating cheese and playing Mario Kart or whatever. All they need to be available for is stanching any open wounds should one arise in the youngest kid. Is it great to lean on the oldest ones to sit for the youngest all the time? Not really, but I’m not talking about a full-on Duggar level buddy/child slavery arrangement, just like, you know, don’t let Hortense bleed out from paper cuts once a week so you can do your nails or a nice nearby single person of your gender preference or eat fast food in your car in silence with nobody asking you for a thing.
I second letting go of the fantasy of having a coparent of worth. Once you release the fantasy and let yourself accept that the ex is a crapsack as a parent you will be better off. You cannot change them, you can only change your reaction to them.
So Heroic Son calls me...seems he and his Heroic wife have a disagreement about some verbiage...
If you have a meeting scheduled for, say, 11:45, and the time got changed to, say, 20 minutes earlier, to 11:25, has the time been 'pushed ahead' or 'pushed back'? Heroic Son said 'forward', because now the meeting is sooner. Heroic DiL said it was 'back', because the starting time of the meeting have gone backwards in time.
Naturally, they called Mrs. Hero and me to settle it, because she's right brain/language and I'm more left brain/logic. And we came up with the same answer, agreeing with Heroic DiL. We heard much smack-talking ensue on the other end of the line between them and their friends.
I'm just glad we could help on such an incredibly non-essential matter, lol.
I have a friend who was in a similar position (three kids, unhelpful co-parent, mega stressed, simmering with resentment). Frankly, I think the "whole extra weekend" sounds like a fantasy. Can you get him to hang out with the kids an extra weekend AFTERNOON per month? Or even just cough up enough money that the one of the older kids can babysit the littlest one (if they're reliable)? If so, all I can recommend is be SUPER MEGA AWARE of whatever time you have to yourself. Treasure it. Do not use it for chores. Eat what you want, do what you want, go where you want. But have a sloth schedule, and stick to it: "I have four hours. I'm going to take a bath. Then I'm going to take a nap. Then I'm going to have ice cream. Then I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble and buy myself a snack and a paperback for later." Don't let your time off slide past without acknowledging it!
I think I am well-equipped to give advice. I am a single mom by choice, bc I tried for decades to find a man as awesome as my father and wouldn't settle for less, couldn't find him, I was 40 by the time I stopped trying, then it took me 3 years to get pregnant on my own (wanted one little girl, wound up with twin boys, universe got it right!) Doing shit on your own is hard, but I think harder when you EXPECT someone else to share the burden and they crap out. So, my advice is...let go. Let go of the idea your ex-partner will be there or help (as I had to do with my communal narcissist mother), and realize, it's all on you. THEN realize, self-care is the first step. Can you find child care for every Sunday? Full day? Your day to do laundry or house shit OR (my favorite) your day to go to the gym and get your nails done and then lie in bed watching Love is Blind and nap? It really is amazing what one day to recharge can do. It makes you realize how much easier life is making all the decisions and doing all the shit without having to deal with someone else's infantile shit. Sounds like the writer just needs some time to herself (and a good financial planner), bc otherwise she's got this.
Back when only medical weed was legal in Oregon there was a dispensary right next to good taco shop on 99W in Tigard. Always thought a bakery focused on cakes and cookies would clean up there too. I have stayed at that Motel 6. By the time I checked out I had COVID, and I honestly have no idea where I got it other than there or the PHX airport since no one near me got it.
I can share some of my observations from Mr. Star as a single dad. His ex was a bit more of a "cool friend" than parent figure, which sounds like your ex.
He was honest with Junior Stars (2) about what he could do, time wise, driving wise, money wise. He helped guide the juniors into how they could help, simple things like "here is a piece of paper on the fridge, add things to it that you want from the grocery store or when something runs out." It started a positive trend of not having to think about everything/think for everyone in the household. Then the juniors progressed to making their lunches and helping with laundry. Every small step like that helped them become more aware of their assumptions (toilet paper does not magically appear in the linen closet!) and also helped prepare them for college/adulthood. College was not always assumed, as the older child was not exactly interested in school. There were teenage shenanigans aplenty, though generally not at school (small mercies).
If your kids are growing in their maturity, it may help to talk honestly with your kiddos about how disruptive their mouthiness at school is. Maybe offer awareness and an enticement, like "two weeks with no sass" and we can do ___.
Like Sara said, glad you asked so you know you are not alone!
Writing down the grocery list as things run out is a good life hack in general for all of us. I have an erasable whiteboard on the fridge for this purpose. I sit down and build out a more formal grocery list weekly based on that, but having it on the fridge means it won't be forgotten in the shuffle. Excellent suggestion!
There are likely resources in your area to help you: you may want to start with a call to 211, or look online for 'essential community services in [my town]'. Also, just wanted to add: trying to make him take more responsibility or be a more effective parent will 100% just be added work for you, so good for you for not pinning your hopes there.
sorry, I forgot to add: I work for a NPO that provides free after-school programs and family support to parents in need (especially single moms), so there are some programs out there...
..And I used to work for one as well, more than a decade ago. Sadly, that one no longer exists -- but there may be others in your area? One of the things my late sister & I did in her (single mom, 2 VERY challenging kids)case was to get both kids into after-school, and the younger into the Pals program and (free) therapy for the whole shootin' match.
Took us awhile to stitch all the available services into a quilt that was gonna work -- there were aa couple of spectacular bobbles but oh well -- and get some stability for all involved. Laenie (sis) finally got to a place where she waasn't resorting to phone calls at 2 a.m. and I wasn't feeling like a co-parent to her 2 as well as my 3.
Keep trying. You deserve calm and a manageable life!
Tell the school’s counselor this situation. Ours would email the kid’s teachers and tactfully say that there’s a lot going on and give suggestions for keeping things from escalating to a meeting (i.e. please give some grace for typical harmless teen mouthiness). Doesn’t mean the kids have to go talk to the counselor but if they decide they want to, they’re already in the loop about the stress you are under. You can also tell the office to call the kids’ dad first unless it is an emergency. Won’t guarantee it changes his level of involvement, but may take some of the garden-variety grades and tardies bullshit off your plate.
“Let us first be clear on what a Rage Walk is: a brisk, cardio-enhancing stroll during which you listen to anger bear music (death metal is fun, but so are all the pop songs in which a lady is very mad at a man) and possibly kick rocks with great venom.”
This is very good advice for most people, tbh.
If you don't like parenting, then don't have kids. That was my solution. As horrible as it may make me. I don't have a particular fondness for babies and small children. Realizing this, I decided to have no children. I'm the male version of a "crazy cat lady". whatever that is. I have no regrets
I was also never drawn to having kids. I came to better understand my hesitation, which early on, was mostly the fact that I was very poor as were all my potential sperm donors. But as I got older and thought more about my mom and her life I understood another big factor. My Mom earned a chemistry degree at University of Denver and then put it to good use doing what women did in days of yore. She became a flight attendant and got married. Her Mom had died when she was 14. By the time the pill became available Mom had already popped out 6 kids. But not because she always dreamed of having endless cooking, laundry, housecleaning and chauffeuring! Anyway, when she got very frustrated with me being obnoxious, as small children will be, she would admonish me by saying 'don't ever have kids!'.
Why are you choosing to be a dismissive, belittling ass? Thank goodness you had the sense not to make others (children) suffer your holier than thou attitude.
Fuck all the way off
Care to explain that? I'll take it under advisement
Like stopping to help the victim of a car crash by telling them that's why you choose not to drive a car. Make sense. As a response to the initial poster not helpful...
Not my intention. I'm simply stating that some people should opt to not have children. I'm one of them. Your analogy may be somewhat correct. If you know you suck at driving maybe you should take the bus instead.,
Anyway, I apologize for the course reply.
Thank you, Not everybody makes a good parent. There should be no shame in admitting to that. As to the driving, I had an uncle who could just never learn to drive. He was a very intelligent, literate man, otherwise. My last ditch attempt at driving instruction for him, when he was in his late 40s, ended up with him smashing into the front of a drugstore. Luckily no one was injured, but that was the last time he got behind the wheel
Doesn't sound like exactly your situation, but this was my go-to rage walk song when I went through this shit
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaSy8yy-mr8
Talk to the teens. Tell them how you are doing, honestly. Give them a chance to choose to be helpful.
Yes, I end up doing that. After my relations have their kids all fucked up, they drop them at my doorstep when they're teens, expecting me to work a miracle.
Today (well, technically yesterday since it's 1:52AM ET) was a good birthday. Spent the day at Level 99, then sexytimes. 44 ain't half bad so far.
Happy cake day!
I hesitate to say it because I know standards vary by location, but if the teens are old enough to sit for someone else then I would suggest they can pull the weight for an afternoon. If you cannot or will not compensate them monetarily, the option of bribing with a non-monetary thing is also good and fine. (Permission to do a thing they normally wouldn’t get to do much, car borrowing, or getting out of chores are all cromulent options.) Especially if they are already of an inclination to be killing time at home eating cheese and playing Mario Kart or whatever. All they need to be available for is stanching any open wounds should one arise in the youngest kid. Is it great to lean on the oldest ones to sit for the youngest all the time? Not really, but I’m not talking about a full-on Duggar level buddy/child slavery arrangement, just like, you know, don’t let Hortense bleed out from paper cuts once a week so you can do your nails or a nice nearby single person of your gender preference or eat fast food in your car in silence with nobody asking you for a thing.
I second letting go of the fantasy of having a coparent of worth. Once you release the fantasy and let yourself accept that the ex is a crapsack as a parent you will be better off. You cannot change them, you can only change your reaction to them.
HORTENSE.
Shawn Colvin, "Get Out of This House"
https://youtu.be/S1H8Rf12-XM
So Heroic Son calls me...seems he and his Heroic wife have a disagreement about some verbiage...
If you have a meeting scheduled for, say, 11:45, and the time got changed to, say, 20 minutes earlier, to 11:25, has the time been 'pushed ahead' or 'pushed back'? Heroic Son said 'forward', because now the meeting is sooner. Heroic DiL said it was 'back', because the starting time of the meeting have gone backwards in time.
Naturally, they called Mrs. Hero and me to settle it, because she's right brain/language and I'm more left brain/logic. And we came up with the same answer, agreeing with Heroic DiL. We heard much smack-talking ensue on the other end of the line between them and their friends.
I'm just glad we could help on such an incredibly non-essential matter, lol.
I have a friend who was in a similar position (three kids, unhelpful co-parent, mega stressed, simmering with resentment). Frankly, I think the "whole extra weekend" sounds like a fantasy. Can you get him to hang out with the kids an extra weekend AFTERNOON per month? Or even just cough up enough money that the one of the older kids can babysit the littlest one (if they're reliable)? If so, all I can recommend is be SUPER MEGA AWARE of whatever time you have to yourself. Treasure it. Do not use it for chores. Eat what you want, do what you want, go where you want. But have a sloth schedule, and stick to it: "I have four hours. I'm going to take a bath. Then I'm going to take a nap. Then I'm going to have ice cream. Then I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble and buy myself a snack and a paperback for later." Don't let your time off slide past without acknowledging it!
https://substack.com/@marachne/note/c-65842076?r=6mh8i
Bought my new loom right before I broke my finger. Finally got it dressed and weaving. Using my handspun
I think I am well-equipped to give advice. I am a single mom by choice, bc I tried for decades to find a man as awesome as my father and wouldn't settle for less, couldn't find him, I was 40 by the time I stopped trying, then it took me 3 years to get pregnant on my own (wanted one little girl, wound up with twin boys, universe got it right!) Doing shit on your own is hard, but I think harder when you EXPECT someone else to share the burden and they crap out. So, my advice is...let go. Let go of the idea your ex-partner will be there or help (as I had to do with my communal narcissist mother), and realize, it's all on you. THEN realize, self-care is the first step. Can you find child care for every Sunday? Full day? Your day to do laundry or house shit OR (my favorite) your day to go to the gym and get your nails done and then lie in bed watching Love is Blind and nap? It really is amazing what one day to recharge can do. It makes you realize how much easier life is making all the decisions and doing all the shit without having to deal with someone else's infantile shit. Sounds like the writer just needs some time to herself (and a good financial planner), bc otherwise she's got this.
Tigard OR Motel 6: Taco Bell right mext door to 2 weed shops.
Someone's done their marketing. Not sure which.
"Welcome to the PNW!"
Also too, Arizona ! holyshitdotcom, bewildering!!
Back when only medical weed was legal in Oregon there was a dispensary right next to good taco shop on 99W in Tigard. Always thought a bakery focused on cakes and cookies would clean up there too. I have stayed at that Motel 6. By the time I checked out I had COVID, and I honestly have no idea where I got it other than there or the PHX airport since no one near me got it.
(like does not apply to the covid part)
Just barely staying here, got in late, leaving early.
Dark End of the Street
Linda Ronstadt
https://youtu.be/372ddXdiCg4?si=VvvWQouMOqdqDvOH