Parenting Sucks And So Does My Ex
Self-helpy AF!
Welcome to an advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with opinions. This column will not diagnose anything. If I choose your question, I’ll change the details in order to protect your secret life as a talented exotic dancer who is also an enthusiastic organic farmer. Send all questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com.
Dear Sara,
I feel like a terrible person because right now I wish I didn’t have kids. I’ve got one in elementary school and two in high school, and they are all decent people. I would venture to say they are even good people, and if I had time to breathe I might be able to better appreciate their wonderful qualities. I do love them, most of the time. But I am tired of the endless school runs, the many questions, the financial burden, the limit to my own ability to do what I want, when I want.
I have primary custody, and while I am definitely the better-qualified parent, I am exhausted. Their dad does the bare minimum required by our custody agreement (no child support, as he hardly works) but he does show up, remember birthdays, and treat them kindly. I’ve worked my ass off to not unload my resentments about him on the kids, because I don’t want to fuck them up further.
Their dad has a new girlfriend every few years, and the woman is generally nice (with one notable exception, and we were all relieved when she took a hike). But my children don’t have a stepmom or other maternal figure besides me. Sometimes it feels like they don’t even have a father, but more of a fun babysitter or older cousin.
School starts next week, and I look at it as free childcare. But one of the kids has learning disabilities and an IEP, and the other two are mouthy teens. All of this means more meetings with teachers and therapists and social workers.
You will probably tell me to make him do more of the work, but I’ve tried and that will never, ever happen. I don’t have time to date — hell, I don’t have time to go to the hair salon. I can’t magically invent a great co-parent. What exactly am I supposed to do to get through this school year?
— I Promise I’m Not Evil
Dear IPINE,
With questions like these, where I can’t personally relate but want to help, I often trust that the commentariat will provide excellent advice. So take what I say with a grain of salt, as I am not a parent and do not plan to be one. What I can say is that you deserve some help (duh, we all can see that).
I think you’re shouldering more than any one person can be expected to blithely handle. You can clearly handle it, but you’re not smiling and acting like everything is perfect. This is a good thing! Congratulations on voicing sentiments that many parents are afraid to share.
For what it’s worth, you have permission to be a good enough parent. There are plenty of people struggling with the responsibility of caring for one child, much less two or three. I’m not going to call you a supermom, because that’s bullshit. We generally expect far more of mothers than we do of fathers, and your situation seems like an example. I am concerned about your mental health, but we’ll get into that.
I take you at your word that Pops can’t be relied upon to do much. I’m guessing he’s the type of person who will just cause more problems if you give him a basic assignment like, “Take the children back-to-school shopping. Here is $200 in cash. Go to Ross and follow this specific list.” However, I do have a suggestion about him later.
Is it possible, at all, in any realm that we call reality, for you to get ten minutes a day to take a brisk Rage Walk or to punch a punching bag using proper form learned from our friend YouTube? Let us first be clear on what a Rage Walk is: a brisk, cardio-enhancing stroll during which you listen to anger bear music (death metal is fun, but so are all the pop songs in which a lady is very mad at a man) and possibly kick rocks with great venom.
You will note I have not suggested you join a gym. You’ve told me your time is incredibly limited and I’m guessing your financial resources are, too. You can take a Rage Walk anywhere, including the parking lot at Ross while you command Eldest Children to make sure Youngest Child doesn’t burn the shoe rack down.
Can Shiftless Father be made to do an extra weekend each month? So long as he keeps the children healthy and alive, I’m sure you’d welcome the time to yourself. I don’t know how that sort of thing goes, but perhaps a mediator could make an adjustment to the custody agreement given that this man clearly does very little and that your own mental health is suffering?
The mental health component brings me to this: Do you have options for therapy? Is there a program for respite care for parents in your country or state? Is there an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at your job that might help? Are there any interesting-sounding online support groups for single parents?
As promised, I’ll kick it to the commentariat for more ideas. Good on you for speaking up and asking for help.
With 2 in high school, offload on to them. When I was in high school, my mother started teaching classes at a nearby college. This was after she taught all day in the public schools. After the class at the college she would rush home and make dinner until it dawned on her that I was old enough to make dinner. So the nights she taught the class, I was tasked with making dinner for the family. Even when she stopped teaching the class, I continued to make dinner a couple of times a week. The result of it was that I learned how to cook.
When I was in college, one of my roommates' mother was aghast when she learned her son was eating nothing but boxed Mac and Cheese. When she found out I could cook, once a week, she would mail us a recipe and a check to her son to cover the ingredients. Her son bought the food and I taught him and my other roommates how to cook it. We gave her feedback on it as it turned out she was writing a cookbook for college students so it was a win for everybody.
“For what it’s worth, you have permission to be a good enough parent.”
I had no idea how much I needed to hear that til I read it and my eyes started overflowing.
I’m gonna go ahead and take it personally and thank you so much. The uphill struggle to try to be the mom I wanna be often makes the mom I actually am just wanna throw up my hands and surrender.