Parents, It Is Unseemly To Brawl With One Another Over Easter Eggs

i came here to hunt easter eggs and kick ass, and i'm all out of easter eggs

You know what kind of people are the literal worst? Parents. Now, we are sure that those among you who have spawned are protesting and saying no no no, perhaps OTHER breeding types are bad people but you yourself are a beacon of sweetness and light and your child really is indeed all that. We are not going to listen to even one minute of that shit unless you are willing to disavow this particular parental behavior. 

PEZ Candy abruptly canceled its third annual Easter egg hunt Saturday after parents stormed the field in Connecticut, according to a company news release.

Children as young as 4 were pushed aside by parents eager to grab as many of the 9,000 eggs hidden in three fields.

Listen, you fucking helicopter mommies and daddies, children are perfectly capable of hunting their own Easter eggs. The entire enterprise is actually literally designed only for child participation, not for you to turn into rugby thugs over the whole thing. Who the ever-living-fuck is competitive about Easter eggs, anyway? We get that some things are worth going full Lord of the Flies over, like getting little Atticus or Seraphina into a good preschool, but will your child really feel less empowered and special snowflake-y just because they got fewer Easter eggs? Apparently, yes. 

“Unfortunately people chose to enter the first field prior to anyone from Pez staff starting the activity. The crowd moved to the second field, waited for only a couple of minutes and proceeded to rush the field without being directed to do so and before the posted start time,” Pez officials said in a statement on Saturday.

Pez officials said the crowd of people “immediately moved to the third field, took over and removed everything well before the activity was to even start.”

"So we started talking to people and say 'hey this is supposed to start at certain time'," Pez General Manager Shawn Peterson said. "Well that lasted about a minute and everyone just rushed the field and took everything."

Welch told Eyewitness News that children were trampled, parents knocked over children and eggs were stolen out of peoples’ baskets. Peterson said the crowd was "kind of like locusts."

What a story to tell your child lovingly, repeatedly, as they grow up: "Remember when mommy and daddy actually cut a bitch in order to make sure you had the most eggs? Never forget that you had the very most eggs and can have anything you want in life, my bright and shining star."

Why can't these parents just chill out, maybe smoke some weed? That would probably make the whole Easter egg hunt thing much less stressful. Oh, wait. 

A neighborhood Easter egg hunt was marred by the threat of violence and a police response that found an unlicensed marijuana business and $108,000. [...]

A man ran into the neighborhood screaming his roommate was going to shoot him. When police responded they found [...] more than 45 pounds of pot.

Takeaway? Adults ruin everything. Easter, drugs, everything. Never grow up.

[ CNN / WFSB / KOIN ]