Pecker Premieres

Donald’s gonna need to rub his psychically energized lucky Blue Dot™ extra hard!

Pecker from the MSNBC TikToks

Poetry that the first witness to sit upwind from The Furter at his criminal trial is David Pecker, and not just because his last name is a euphemism for pork sword. The former CEO of American Media and publisher of the National Enquirer didn’t just save Trump’s greasy bacon on the eve of the election in 2015, we can thank him for first bringing the head of that hog to every market checkout line from coast to coast, forcing us to think about him in the first place.

The ELECTION FRAUD FAKE NEWS sausage is back to haunt them both, and boy is it rancid and greasy. And now Pecker’s in a poke with no choice but to squeal.

David Pecker got an immunity deal from SDNY in 2018, and the DA has all his emails. He’ll get Weisselberged if he lies, and his reputation, career, friendship/usefulness to the big guy are no more. On the stand he hasn’t been saying any more than he has to, but what he did say was a MARCO RUBIO LOVE CHILD STUNNER BEN CARSON BRAIN SPONGE and then some!

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THESE GUYS!

Let's Talk CONSPIRACY: A Peckersplainer, About Trump's National Enquirer Buddy David Pecker!

Trump Org CFO Allen Weisselberg Back To Rikers! Again!

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Pecker spilled that he saw Trump sign checks, dished that he, Trump, former Trump fixer Michael Cohen and others catchy-killed a potential “love child” story, and fessed that he let Trump’s greasy team make ELECTION INTERFERENCE editorial decisions on how to pump Trump and smear his political enemies. Even Steve Bannon was involved.

The Enquirer of old would have covered bimbo eruptions in the manner of Gary Hart, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton. But Pecker had other plans for his paper, poopsie.

Yesterday kicked off with Trump lawyers getting humiliatingly dragged trying to defend Trump’s violations of the gag order. The DA isn’t seeking jail (BOOOOOO) and wants him to pay $10k, and Judge Juan Merchan reserved judgment. Then all eyes were on Pecker, who exchanged a smile for a smirk with Trump, then proceeded to lay out the plot of the transcriptonovella for the inquiring minds of the jury.

T and P’s bromance started back in the ‘80s, he testified, when they were a couple of little Parises and Lindsayses, gossiping and schmoozing at New York’s hottest parties.

They took to hanging out or chitchatting about once a month, and “Mister Trump” would ring him up to leak who was about to get YER FIRED from “Celebrity Apprentice,” which was a hot enough scoop to sell papers.

Pecker testified that he ran a poll where 80 percent of his rag’s readers said that Trump should run for president, which Trump circlejerked into a gloating interview with fellow creep Matt Lauer, and Team Greaseball was on its way. In June of 2015, Mr. Trump invited Pecker to watch him descend that escalator.

Starting in August of 2015, Pecker and Trump got a lot closer. “Michael Cohen told me the boss wanted to see me,” and he was summoned to The Trump Tower Triple Triplexed Writeoff and Payoff Depot. When he arrived, the pair ballsily “asked what my magazine can do for the campaign.” 

“I said we could publish positive stories about Mr. Trump, and publish negative stories about his opponents. And I said I would also be the eyes and ears. If I hear anything negative about women selling stories, I'd notify Michael Cohen if a woman's story about him was being sold, and he would be able to have them killed in the magazine, or not be published, or somebody would have to purchase them.”

Hello conspiracy to influence an election! Pecker gushed for good measure, “Mr. Trump was known as the most eligible bachelor, dating the most beautiful women.” (He was married, and cheating on his mistress with a porn star, but never mind. How helpful Pecker was!)

​​He told prosecutor Joshua Steinglass, “Hillary was running, and there was Bill Clinton's womanizing, which she enabled. I said I would cover it, our readers loved it. Mr. Trump was pleased that I'd do it. Michael Cohen too.”

And Pecker went on to donate space to whatever half-baked loaf of garbage Trumpistan sent him, because he “needed help” selling papers.

“Michael Cohen would say, ‘We would like you to run an article against, let's say, Ted Cruz.’ Then Michael Cohen would send over some negative information.”

Steinglass showed the jury some of those article headlines:

Dick Morris: How Donald Still Trumps the Polls

Bungling Surgeon Ben Carson Left Sponge in Patient's Brain!

Ted Cruz Shamed by Porn Star

Donald Trump Blasts Ted Cruz's Dad for Photo with JFK Assassin

Senator Mark Rubio's Cocaine Connection

FAMILY MAN MARCO RUBIO’S LOVE CHILD STUNNER!

Pecker was so very helpful to the Trumps, he testified, that “we would sent the PDFs to Michael Cohen, pre-publication.”

Asked Steinglass, “Did Steve Bannon ever ask you to run any article?”

WAIT, BANNON’S IN THIS?

Trump lawyers objected to the mention of his cursed name, and the subject of three-shirts Steve was dropped for the moment, though Steinglass ominously warned, “This will come up again. Bannon's name is all over this case.” Oh boy!

DA Steinglass then moved on to asking Pecker about the first catchy-killy he did for the campaign, Dino Sajudin, a gabby doorman who was selling a story that Trump made a baby with a maid. Pecker paid him $30k even though the story didn’t end up checking out, because “If it was true, it would be our biggest seller since the death of Elvis Presley. If another outlet got it I'd be embarrassed.”

Juicy, I want to know! But Steinglass switched tracks, ending his grilling with a cliffhanger question: “Who is Karen MacDougal?”

“A Playboy model who was trying to sell a story about a relationship she had with Donald Trump for a year. I told Michael Cohen. He said, ‘Untrue.’ I said, ‘Let's vet it.’ ... I sent [creepo editor] Dylan Howard out to California. He met the [scuzzo] lawyer Keith Davidson and Karen, interviewed her for a few hours. In that time, I spoke with Cohen, he kept on calling me, more anxious each time.”

And there Judge Merchan ended the latest episode of As The Pecker Turns.

This is getting good!

Hope he’s proud of himself, that David Pecker. If it wasn’t for him, Donny two-scoops could have stayed just another rich old lech sidilng up to foreign models in some dark Manhattan bar, getting mocked by Spy magazine for cashing a one-cent check and pestering Page Six to write about how Moola Maples loved him for his body. Pecker didn’t just do “catch and kill,” either, it was also “catch and trade” and “catch and blackmail.” Like trading a story about Bill Cosby drugging and raping women turned into an exclusive interview where the Cos fumed about how “furious” he was that the women he tried to “help” were trying to “take advantage” of him. Or helping out Harvey Weinstein by attacking his accusers and soliciting secret recordings to discredit them.

Pecker is truly the very sleaziest of sleazebags, and it serves him right having to spend three days smelling Trump’s Big Mac farts. What a bunch of scumbags.

And there we leave the story until Thursday!