Pete Hegseth Can Barely Hide War Boner As He Preens Over Getting To Unnecessarily Kill People

You can practically smell the booze through the computer screen, can't you?

Is there a better way to kick off a Monday than listening to glib fuckhead Pete Hegseth spout his “child playing with GI Joe dolls”-level of discourse about the military he leads? We can think of many better ways to kick off a Monday, anyway: a quickie with the wife, stepping barefoot onto a hairball the cat puked up during the night, a cerebral hemorrhage. But such is the life we have chosen.

Hegseth stepped into a press briefing at the Pentagon on Monday sporting hair greasier than the floor of a gas station garage and a war boner that was all but tapping the lens of the TV camera. He stood in front of a press corps made up mostly of right-wing media flunkies and J6-ers who, in a just world, would still be in prison, or at least banished so completely from society that they can’t even get a pizza delivered. And all of them were hanging on every word as the dumbest secretary of Defense in history, a man so moronic he couldn’t spell “the” if you spotted him the t and the h, smirked his way through a boastful speech that could have been written by an AI trained on nothing but Kurt Schlichter novels.

Truly, it was something else to watch. There was big talk. There was the usual braggadocio about America’s lethal WARFIGHTERS. There was the jargon and tough-guy vocabulary that Pete loves because he thinks it sounds cool. (“If you kill Americans, if you threaten Americans anywhere on earth, we will hunt you down without apology and without hesitation, and we will kill you.”) There was the obligatory slamming of past presidents for not going full-on “Douglas MacArthur pushing to the Yalu” on Iran sometime in the last 50 years. There was the obligatory gargling of Donald Trump’s balls, Trump being the smartest, wisest, bravest, gutsiest commander-in-chief in American history.

If at some point Hegseth had pointed finger guns at the sky and danced around shouting “Pew pew,” it would have been an improvement on the quality of this bullshit. It’s as if he used to watch Futurama and thought Zapp Brannigan was the hero:

If you don’t want to sit through the whole thing — and why the hell would you, did you not read the first 300 words of this post? — there were some highlights posted on social media, where we can all watch them and vomit together.

We heard this same sort of thing in 2003, when George W. Bush’s people would sneer at anyone who thought the Iraq invasion would take more than about 20 minutes, or that not all the Iraqis would greet America as liberators. Of course, the antiwar contingent issuing those warnings turned out to be 100 percent correct. Hegseth is showing the same hubris that has laid low better people. And since everyone who has ever lived is a better person than Pete Hegseth, that’s a lot of people.

It’s not a regime change war. We just killed the top leaders of the regime while they were all dumb enough to be in the same place at the same time and have publicly been telling the Iranian people to rise up and take over. It worked out for the Kurds in 1991, right? RIGHT????

America’s allies do not want to participate in an unnecessary war of choice that is both immoral and illegal under international law. America’s allies do not want to watch civilians die. America’s allies, having already been through our adventures in Iraq and Afghanistan, do not want to risk another war with unpredictable outcomes that could destabilize the Middle East. This is because America’s allies are a bunch of pussies.

“War is hell,” says the cartoon tough guy. The faux-macho routine continued as Hegseth suggested America will prosecute the war to honor the four soldiers who have died so far with “No apologies. No hesitation. Epic fury.” Which is the name of the operation, get it? Operation Epic Fury! Wordplay!

There were a couple of legitimate reporters there who made the mistake of asking entirely reasonable questions. Trump publicly stated that he thinks the war will last about four weeks. Do you agree, Secretary Greaseball? Pffft, why would I tell you, lamestream media person who does not recognize the power of Donald Trump to bend reality like a Slinky?

This self-righteous, preening mound of rhinoceros crap is going to get so many people killed with his “Clint Eastwood meets frat boy villain from a 1980s sex comedy” shtick. He has us hoping that there really is a hell.

[YouTube]

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