Pete Hegseth Got New Call Of Duty, Mom Ordered Pizza, Says We Can Stay Up As Late As We Want
Later we can sneak into his dad's office and look at his Playboys!
Pete Hegseth AKA Secretary Shitfaced did a press conference this morning to let us know how Operation His Balls Just Dropped is going. Y’all, that boy is on his shit, clearly getting carried away with playing dress-up as a real man and a real hero.
Trouble is, it sounds like he plugged “Make me sound like a real WARFIGHTER” into ChatGPT. Even worse, sounds like ChatGPT is so very artificially intelligent that it understood exactly what Hegseth meant and instead plugged in, “Make this guy sound like a complete total pussy with daddy issues who plays too many video games.”
The other trouble is that he and his dementia Hitler president are getting American troops killed in the process.
Here, let Hegseth grab a tube of the KY jelly he found in his dad’s nightstand while he tells you about WARFIGHTER:
HEGSETH: B-2s, B-52s, B-1s, Predator drones, fighters controlling the skies, picking targets, death and destruction from the sky all day long. We’re playing for keeps. Our warfighters have maximum authorities granted personally by the president and yours truly.
Our rules of engagement are bold, precise and designed to unleash American power, not shackle it. This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight. We are punching them while they’re down, which is exactly how it should be. Thus far, Operation Epic Fury has delivered twice the air power of shock and awe of Iraq in 2003, minus Paul Bremer and the Nation Building.
The campaign has seven times the intensity of Israel’s previous operations against Iran during the 12-day war, seven times.
Warfighter, warfighter, warfighter! Referring to himself as “yours truly.” Bragging about punching people when they’re down. If you didn’t know this little teenage boy would grow up to be a former Fox News weekend anchor who had made a hush money payoff to a woman after a credible rape accusation, you might guess it after a couple tries.
Bless his heart and yikes.
The entire press conference was like this.
Hegseth gargled Donald Trump’s ball hairs repeatedly, because of his authority figure/Daddy issues, bragging about the “direct command of President Trump,” as if the senile rash-covered president can be distracted from his ballroom or his whiny grievances long enough to direct a war.
“They are toast and they know it, or at least soon enough they will know it,” said Hegseth about Iran, thinking it sounded manly.
He babbled about how “Iran’s predicament” is like a “football team who scripted the first 20 plays of a game. The team knew what plays to run because their first few drives were scripted. But now that the game has started and the blitz is on, they don't know what plays to call, let alone how to get in the huddle and call those plays.”
Meanwhile, Shitfaced is over here commanding the first four seconds of a premature ejaculation, and we’re supposed to be impressed.
Pete rubbed himself raw bragging about the Americans sinking an Iranian warship with a torpedo in the Indian Ocean, allegedly. “The first sinking of an enemy ship by a torpedo since World War II. Like in that war back when we were still the War Department, we are fighting to win.”
You know, as opposed to all those other wars, when girls and non-white troops were allowed to make guys like Shitfaced feel insecure, by existing.
He bitched about the “fake news” making it some kind of front page news when “tragic things happen,” like US troops dying:
HEGSETH: This is what the fake news misses. We’ve taken control of Iran’s airspace and waterways without boots on the ground. We control their fate. But when a few drones get through or tragic things happen, it’s front-page news.
I get it, the press only wants to make the president look bad – but try for once to report the reality.
That’s what this child, this mediocre dumbshit, this dry (?) drunk with his Christian nationalist wet dream fantasies thinks of making other people’s children make the ultimate sacrifice. “Fake news” to “make the president look bad.”
Go fuck yourself, extremist bitch.
Sorry, Major Loser, but it sounds like most Americans don’t want to watch their kids die in Israel’s war, which mostly on the homefront serves to distract from revelations about a billionaire ring of child rapists with the president at the very center. Barely one in four Americans supports that, in fact.
And those numbers are just going to keep going down, while Donald Trump and this greasy little wannabe continue to kill Americans for absolutely no reason of any legitimate value.
But keep two-fingering your dick like it’s a video game, Pete.
You’re totally a real man, despite what everybody, including in the military you allegedly command, says behind your back.
By the way, White House Nazi Barbie got BIG ANGRY when CNN’s Kaitlan Collins asked about Shitfaced’s flippant comments about troop deaths today. BIG ANGRY.
So the Trump administration is handling all of this well, on all fronts.
OPEN THREAD.
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BREAKING: Pam Bondi now subpoenaed by the House Oversight Committee re Epstein investigation. The vote was 24-19. Yea votes include 5 Republicans.