Pete Hegseth Totally Crushing Workouts, Iran, Twelve Packs
Bro! Check me out, bro.
Bro! Bro! Bro! Broooooooooo!
Bro. Did you see all those sick bombs we dropped on Iran this week, bro? Fucking maximum lethality, bitches! Let’s see Supreme Leader Ali Babakhamanyeni or whatever the fuck complain now!
We bombed everything, bro. Military bases. Radar sites. Bridges. Electrical grids. Water storage tanks. Can you believe those pussy reporters asked me if destroying civilians’ clean water supplies was a war crime? That’s one of those, whadayacallits, morons? Like jumbo shrimp or civil war or ...
Oh, OXYmorons? Fine, whatever, Mr. Olivegold. Mr. Olivegold! He was my high school English teacher. Told me I should focus on woodshop or something because he said I was, quote, “so dumb I’m surprised you can get out of the house in the morning without tying your sneakers together.”
I wish I knew where Mr. Olivegold was now, so I could go up to him and scream in his face, Dumb? I’m dumb? Do they make dumb people the Secretary of War, loser? Was Judah Benjamin DUMB?
Then I’d drop a ninety-pound dumbbell on his foot.
Bro, I can lift ninety-pound dumbbells. Trust me. These are totally ninety pounds. They just look smaller because they’re made of a super-dense, super-heavy material that only America’s warfighters use. It’s super-secret too. We found it on an asteroid that crashed in the Antarctic. It’s not approved for civilian use because it gives civilians cancer. Not us warfighters, though. Not with our peak physical conditioning.
So despite what it looks like in that video, those are not fifteen-pounders that I can’t even lift over my head with form worse than an 85-year-old grandmother in a water aerobics class. Shut up!
Bro, it was so sweet, working out with my boys. And by boys, I mean actual professional soldiers whose approval I am so desperately sweaty for that a psychiatrist would have a field day with me. Did you see me totally crush it benching with them?
Those are totally full reps. Shut up! I can get full extension if I want! My lower body is supposed to come up off the bench like that! Shows I’m really putting my back into it. That spotter didn’t even need to do much spotting, he knew I wasn’t going to drop that bar and crush my own throat. It’s called respect, look it up.
Then after I crushed my sick workout, I got to go to CENTCOM to talk to all the military guys about all the bombing they were going to do that night. Then I got to go outside and tell the fake news media about all the bombing we were going to do that night. Did you see how good I looked on TV? No? Here’s a clip:
That’s right, it was classified. I’m not telling the fake news what we’re doing ahead of time, except for the fact that like a minute earlier I had told them what we were doing.
The bombing worked, didn’t it? Iran was totally like, Mr. President, we’ll sign whatever you want us to sign right after. You know why they did that? Because of Donald Trump. And also because they saw my sick workout videos.
Eat my ass, Jane Fonda, you hippie.
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3 hours of no power is probably going beyond the limits of my fridge/freezer to keep things cold enough, it is a shitty fridge and does not hold the cold.Noticed it is already warming up. I went grocery shopping this morning of course! I am going to lose a bunch of food. Quickly drinking the vodka while it is still ice cold, i know what is important.
ETA: power out till tomorrow morning
Damn! Crazy storm blew in fast, watched a sign fly down the street, then a crashing sound as Harry and I both ran to the bedroom. Branches from the tree in front of my place were torn off and bounced off my balcony. My power is out.