SPOILER: Freedom Caucus Fuckwit Mark Meadows Just Makin' Up Shit About Peter Strzok's Texts

Welcome to your latest Fox News conspiracy theory, America!

If it is a day, House Republicans are doing some propaganda bullshit in their Kremlin-inspired war on America's Justice Department, in service of the unindicted co-conspirator traitor in the White House at whose feet they worship and whose taint they are just grateful to sniff.

So hey, North Carolina GOP Rep. Mark Meadows of the House Freedom Caucus, the guy former GOP House Speaker John Boehner once memorably referred to as an "idiot"! What kind of Kremlin-inspired propaganda do you have for us today?

UPDATE: Today we sent an updated letter to DAG Rosenstein, including a newly discovered text + new resulting timeli… https://t.co/7H7SJvD6Hm

— Mark Meadows (@Mark Meadows) 1536690689.0 

In his next tweet, Meadows fully types out his new TIMELINE for these very important new PETER STRZOK TEXTS which prove STUFF and THINGS about DEEP STATE or WHATEVER THE FUCK HE IS TALKING ABOUT HOLY SHIT WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT THIS (ALLEGEDLY!) INBRED DUMPSTERFUCK FROM APPALACHIA IS GOING ON ABOUT RIGHT NOW:

So, the new timeline:
4/10/17: Strzok texts Lisa Page wanting to discuss a "media leaking strategy."
4/12/17: Strzok texts Lisa Page that two articles are coming about "her namesake" (Carter Page)
4/22/17: Strzok texts Page: "article is out!" and "Well done, Page"

Case closed, shut the door on the Russia investigation probably!

In case you haven't gleaned this so far, there is a new chapter in House Republicans' bizarre obsession with the text messages of recently fired FBI investigator (and veritable fucking hero at investigating Russians) Peter Strzok, who worked on the early stages of the counterintel investigation into the Trump campaign's ties to Russia. Like everything else House Republicans have come up with so far -- RELEASE THE MEMO!   BRUCE OHR! LET'S SMELL OUR OWN FARTS AND SEE IF WE FIND A DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY! -- it is unmitigated bullshit meant to waste your time and obstruct justice.

In the letter Meadows sent to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein (attached to the tweet above), the congressman has a squirrel-fucking conniption over a newly discovered April 2017 text from Peter Strzok to Lisa Page, the FBI lawyer Strzok at one point was doing affair sexes with, which mentions a "media leaking strategy." In another text to Page, Strzok says heads up, two articles are coming out about "her namesake," which would be Carter Page, the Trump campaign's very stupidest Russian intelligence asset, who's been on the radar as a particularly stupid Russian intelligence asset for YEARS. The Washington Post   had broken news about the FISA warrants on Carter Page the day before. Finally, ten days later, there is a text where Strzok tells (Lisa) Page, "article is out!" and "Well done, Page."

(By the way, there is much stupid hullabaloo   this week about Trump maybe declassifying ALL the Carter Page FISA documents, because Mark Meadows and Donald Trump really like to own goal themselves.)

In Meadows's very smart brain, these new tweets, originally reported by bona fide Hannity idiot Sara Carter, mean Peter Strzok and Lisa Page were doing INTENTIONAL MEDIA LEAKING to make Carter Page look bad (he's just an innocent Russian spy after all!), and that after it was all over, Peter Strzok patted Lisa Page on the back like "Hey lady I have intercoursed in the past, nice job with the Deep State conspiracy leaks!" Meadows further alleges that a whole passel of other folks were probably leaking to the media to hurt Donald Trump, but he's not sure, so let's have Mark Meadows investigate to see if he can invent a conspiracy theory inside his nasty-ass Carolina vinegar BBQ rectal slit.

Except ... NOPE! Not even a little bit. Meadows acts like he found these three text messages inside a random farm animal at a western North Carolina Tea Party speed dating event, but in point of fact they came from a larger release of documents from the Department of Justice. Could it be helpful to look at the texts in context? THE FUCK YOU SAY!

The truth is that it's much more likely (by which we mean there's almost a 100% chance) these tweets were actually not strategizing about how to leak , but about how to COMBAT leaks. Why? Well, for one thing, going after unauthorized leaks was part of Peter Strzok's job! And as the  Washington Post  notes, at the time of these texts, Attorney General Jeff Sessions was on a warpath about leaks.

Here is the full text from April 10, 2017:

"I had literally just gone to find this phone to tell you I want to talk to you about media leak strategy with DOJ before you go."

Media leak strategy with DOJ? In a text message to an FBI lawyer from an FBI guy whose job is to go after unauthorized leaks? How fuckin' weird is that! (Not weird.)

But there is even deeper context available! Democratic congressmen Elijah Cummings and Jerrold Nadler, ranking members of the House Oversight and Government Reform and Judiciary Committees, responded with their own statement, which explained more about what was going on that day in April of 2017:

"DoJ getting all political and about to blown (sic) up the media leak regs and turn this into a circus," Strzok wrote.

Then, Strzok expressed concern that some officials were looking to shake up the DOJ's internal leak regulations and suggested consulting with FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe and Director James B. Comey to intervene.

Strzok wrote: "if they are going to try to blow up the regs we need to get that to andy and d soonest."

In other words, the Trump administration was caterwauling about leaks, and the career employees who have to implement their shit were discussing how best to do that. Escandalo !

As for the text a week and a half later on April 22, where Strzok says, "Article is out!" and "Well done, Page," does it make sense that he's congratulating Lisa Page a week and a half later on some really good leaking she did a week and a half ago? Well if you're a fucking moron like Mark Meadows, maybe it does. Nadler and Cummings note, though, that the New York Times published a profile on James Comey on April 22, which seems much more likely to be the article Strzok is referring to.

Does Mark Meadows even believe in his own conspiracy theory? According to Roll Call, "A spokesman for Meadows declined to comment on this story," and according to  Mother Jones,    "Asked Tuesday if Meadows stood by the assertions in his letter, a spokesman for congressman declined to comment." So nah, Meadows probably knows he's being a craven, justice-obstructing shithole.

Of course, this conspiracy theory is all over right-wing media now, which has already turkey basted it up the moron president's ass:

New Strzok-Page texts reveal “Media Leak Strategy.” @FoxNews So terrible, and NOTHING is being done at DOJ or FBI… https: //t.co/DrnNFjPIch

— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1536664759.0 

So basically everything is normal! House Republicans are willfully lying about Peter Strzok's text messages -- hey remember that time they were all going apeshit about how Peter Strzok and Lisa Page had a SECRET SOCIETY???? -- and the president is swallowing it whole.

God bless us, everyone!

 Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!  

 Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please hit the nifty donation widget below! Didn't that feel so good? 

  [ Washington Post / Roll Call ]