Today we have bought Greenland, or something!
I guess it’s “or something.” A few months after Mister President Donald Jesus H. Trump said that anything less than owning Greenland would be “unacceptable,” and that it was “psychologically important” to him, he has inked a deal that is pretty close to the exact same deal as the deal that went before.
But it’s different, actually, you fucking idiot, because this time he posted about it on Truth Social! Under the deal, “no U.S. adversary can EVER have a base in Greenland, have a military presence in Greenland, or make sensitive investments in Greenland, without our express written approval,” some old fuck ranted on social media.
That’s a deal that’s been in place with Denmark since 1951. But hey, cool, whatever! However, according to the Wall Street Journal, the new deal is at least “a hedge against the risk that Greenlanders might someday declare independence from Denmark.” Oh those pesky countries and their desire for independence, amirite?
One of my favorite things about the New York Times in 2026 is how they have fallen all over themselves to both-sides stories so hard that they sound utterly credulous now. It’s like reading the news, but if a bunch of goldfish wrote it!
“President Trump said on Friday that his administration had reached a deal with Denmark and Greenland to expand the U.S. security presence in Greenland, a semiautonomous Danish territory, raising the possibility of a diplomatic solution to a U.S.-made threat that nearly upended the Western alliance,” they said, as though this had come about through a series of normal diplomatic meetings rather than batshit insane posts to Truth Social probably written by a 39-year-old who seems to have formed her personality from the female lead in the film Obsession (2026)!
“The full contours of the deal Mr. Trump was describing were not immediately clear. […] The two sides described the agreement in very different terms [….]” Ah yes, quite! Great job all around everybody!
Trump is almost certainly going to turn this into his usual spectacle this week for the NATO meeting, especially since Fox News has decided that the Emperor’s clothes are quite nice, actually. I laughed so hard reading this.
Speaking on “Fox & Friends Weekend,” Center for Security Policy senior fellow and retired U.S. Marine Col. Grant Newsham compared Trump’s pact with Denmark and Greenland to the U.S. acquisition of Alaska in 1867.
Newsham argued the agreement secures vital North American defense geography while limiting Russian and Chinese expansion.
An actual Colonel! Well, now you know it’s legit. Oh yeah man, for sure, Grant, whoever the fuck you are, this is just like when the USA bought Alaska.
Who the fuck is this guy anyway? Let’s take a look at his author page over on Simon & Schuster, because of course he’s flogging a book:
As a U.S. Foreign Service Officer, he covered a number of regions, including East and South Asia, and specialized in insurgency, counterinsurgency, and commercial matters. An attorney, he lived in Tokyo for more than twenty years, working for an investment bank and in the high-tech industry.
Yeah, that tracks. Great job Col. Grant! You tell em!
So it looks like what happened was Trump, who may or may not think he’s on a reality television show where he plays the President of the United States, sharted out some nonsense about Greenland years ago, and now a bunch of fascists have decided to run with it, but they’re too stupid to understand what they are doing so it looks like … well, it looks like this.
Sorry everybody, there are no evil geniuses. Turns out evil is actually pretty stupid! There should be some hope there, but this is 2026, so hope is currently too expensive. Sorry!
One of the great things about having a rock-stupid dullard with an insatiable ego is you can just shake a rattle like this or do things like cheap promises and that mollifies the baby for a little bit.
It's quite humiliating to have the USA in this kind of position, but there's lots of money to be had by these other countries in continuing to trade or have diplomatic relations with us.
And in the end it means that the effects of Murc's Law are global. I don't think a Democratic President that wasn't attached to reality would fare so well.
Laughs in Canadian