President Hillary Clinton Will Grab Your Guns, Do Benghazi To Them

When Hillary's done, he'll just be a hairy man in underpants. She'll probably let him keep the gee-tars though.

UH OH, small-dicked white men, you guys got a problem, and it is your new president, Hitlery Clinton. You see, she laid out a whole new plan totake everybody's guns and force them to renounce Jesusestablish some sensible gun regulations to try to do SOMETHING to prevent mass shooting like this one. And this one. And this one. And all these. And ... yeah.

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"But none-a that shit will ever pass Congress, so we're safe," you, the typical America gun-fondler, are saying, while you stroke your gun and remember how big your dick was, in that dream you had one time. You also had sex in that dream, as you recall, and it was everything you imagined it would be. But no, you are not safe! You are never safe! Isn't that what the NRA told you, at the convention? 

Here is why you are not safe:  Hillary Clinton has a devil trick up the leg of her pantsuit, or maybe in her email, and she is going to use it, like a common Benghazi-doer. You see, she has several prongs in her plan to git yer guns, like "Advocate for comprehensive federal background check legislation" (GOOD IDEA!) and "Close the Charleston Loophole," which is a thing that says you can go ahead and get your gun if your background check isn't all finished within three days. But here's where you get fucked, whiny pussy American wingnut gun-humping men, with your own guns:

Tighten the gun show and Internet sales loophole if Congress won’t.If Congress refuses to act, Clinton will take administrative action to require that any person attempting to sell a significant number of guns be deemed “in the business” of selling firearms. This would ensure that high-volume gun sellers are covered by the same common sense rules that apply to gun stores—including requiring background checks on gun sales.

EXECUTIVE ORDERS! Next she'll be appointing "czars" and being born in Kenya, like a common Obama. And really, this seems fair to us. If you "sell guns at gun shows," then you are, by definition, "in the gun-selling business."

She also wants to take the guns away from people who do domestic violence (NO FAIR!) and people with squeaky clean records who try to buy guns for crimers (RUDE!), and she will get rid of "military-style assault weapons" (TYRANNY!).

 Slate points out that Hillary's executive order idea will totally end up in court, and that the NRA will jizz-crap itself in RAGE!!!!!!1!!11! at this evil usurpation of its sovereign powers over gun laws in the United States, but that's fine. We think it's funny when those people cry. And of course, Slate also points out that this merely scratches the surface of all the sensible things we as U.S. Americans could do to stop people from murdering our kids. But it's a start.

Anyway, the point is that HILLARY'S COMIN ' FER YR PENIS GUNS, you sad dildobreaths. Just wait until she declares NASCAR unconstitutional!

[ Hillary Clinton / Slate ]