President Obama Is Totally Into Science, IMPEACH!

Official White House Photo by Pete Souza

• Like it isn't bad enough that President Obama believes in things like birth control, evolution, and climate change -- now we find out the guy actually reallylikesscience. Like a total geek :

  President Obama “is a science geek,” or at least his top adviser on science says so.

  John Holdren, assistant to the president on science and technology. said Obama is “enormously interested in and enormously well-informed about science technology innovation.”

  In an interview with NPR on Monday, Holdren opened up about his relationship with the president and the dynamics of advising him on science and technology.

  “First of all he is a science geek,” Holdren said. “He is only president ever to have held a White House science fair and he has held four of them.”

  Science fairs? Ugh. Next thing you know, he'll be writing his own computer code. Oh wait. He already has. 

• On Tuesday, we told you about Rep. Michael Grimm -- the Republican congressman who likes to sex ladies in bathrooms, ALLEGEDLY!, and do tax fraud, ALLEGEDLY! -- planning to plead guilty to one of the, ahem, 20 charges of Doing Stuff What Is Not Legal. Like some kind of geniuses who can see the future, we were right, and hedidplead guilty, but that doesn't mean he's going to resign from Congress like some kind of congressman who has just pleaded guilty to doing crimes:

  After pleading guilty to a felony tax charge in federal court today, Rep. Michael Grimm made it clear he has no plans to resign from office despite mounting pressure from Democrats.

  "No," Grimm told reporters outside the courtroom when asked if he would resign. "As I said before as long as I am able to serve I will serve."

  That's the spirit! Never give up, never surrender -- unless they cart you off to prison, and you have no choice.

• Prepare to have your mind blown:  

  By the time you finish reading this sentence, there will have been 219,000 new Facebook posts, 22,800 new tweets, 7,000 apps downloaded, and about $9,000 worth of items sold on Amazon… depending on your reading speed, of course.

• You know how people get away with doing bad things all the time, and we're usually all, like, UGH? But on teevee, it's different because We Are Entertained and no onereallygets hurt:

  It’s no secret that the protagonist of any TV show can do questionable things and get away with it for no other reason than that they’re the hero. When the good guy sabotages his douchebag boss’s presentation and gets him fired, we all cheer him on. There’s no need for remorse or comeuppance for that type of behavior, right?

  But sometimes heroes go too far. They commit acts so over-the-top that it would leave them friendless in real life—if not rotting in prison—and yet no one around them seems to care. The audience is left shouting at the screen, “REALLY?! IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION THAT SIX INNOCENT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAIMED FOR LIFE BECAUSE JIMMY DIDN’T WANT TO PAY A PARKING TICKET?”

  And so, your friends here at HNTP got together to create this list of kind, noble, goodhearted characters who did some totally fucked-up shit that no one ever called them on.

  Go check out the list at Happy Nice Time People. Go. Do it!

•  Do what now? 

  'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Jews were playing dreidel, being celibate, and tearing toilet paper. Allow me to explain. Please.

  The Jewish community has long had a tense relationship with Christmas. You wouldn't know it by the two main customs observed by many 21st-century Jews on Dec. 25: eating Chinese food and being the first to see the Christmas blockbuster. But less well-known are the more historic—and, to be blunt, more bizarre—Christmas Eve customs that Jewish communities have kept secret, even from most Jews. As a public service announcement, I'm here to let you in on what the rabbis thought about Christmas Eve. Gather round, little ones. This is a scary tale.

• This happened, and we somehow missed it. So much fail in so few characters. How does he do it?