President Obama Sends Climate Change Memo To America's Idiots

So remember how President Obama plannedto spend his summer vacation trying to save the world? Done and done, apparently.

Why the president is still convinced we need some sort of "plan" to deal with our impending doom is utterly beyond us. We all saw Sen. Jim Inhofe's snowball indisputably proving climate change is a hoax perpetrated by some dumb money-grubbing scientists. And the pope. And the rest of the world. But the president has decided that trying to cram clean power down our throats is a good use of his time. When he's not on the golf course, that is, HAW HAW HAW.

In the video above, released by the White House Saturday night because those guys know how to party, the president said:

Our climate is changing. It's changing in ways that threaten our economy, our security, and our health. This isn't opinion. It's FACT -- backed up by decades of carefully collected data and overwhelming scientific consensus. And it has serious implications for the way that we live now. We can see it, and we can feel it. Hotter summers, rising sea levels, extreme weather events like stronger storms. Deeper droughts. Longer wildfire seasons. All disasters that are becoming more frequent, more expensive, and more dangerous.

WRONG, President Obama. Everyone knows that abortions cause droughts, and all of our disasters are merely God's punishment for Americans electing Obama. Twice.

"Climate change is not a problem for another generation," the president says. "Not anymore." On Monday, he's releasing the final version of his Clean Power Plan, to regulate how much power plants may dirty up our air with carbon pollution. This, he says, is "the biggest, most important step we've ever taken to combat climate change." As you can imagine, Republicans are thrilled that the president is pursuing this plan and are so grateful he's looking out for their children and grandchildren, while they're busy shutting down the government over whatever they are mad about today. Just kidding! They are pissed and whining on the interwebs and will no doubt Make Speeches! and Send Emails! and Tweet Memes! because the president is blah blah Constitution whatever stuff words blah, we are SO BORED with the Republican temper tantrums after all these years, maybe get a new hobby?

But, as the president is clearly in the FUCK IT stage of his second term, and also loves making Republicans all squirmy and uncomfortable when it comes to the environment and science, he does not appear to give a damn. This, he says, is "for the sake of our kids, for the health and safety of all Americans," because "we can't condemn our kids and grandkids to a planet that's beyond fixing."

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So YEAH, too bad for those who think the better plan is to just DO NOTHING AT ALL and hope God sorts it out, or maybe the free market, or maybe we could think about getting around to that some other time, when we're not busy calling ISIS mean names or trying to defund women's healthcare some more. But nope. Like it or not, the president is trying to save usnow. We can thank him later, when we're still, you know, alive.

[ White House Twitter ]