Pro-Tip: Don't Be Or Ever Have Associated With The Former Lover Of His Most High Sun God Or Whatever Of North Korea

It is rare for your Wonket to be knocked speechless by the horror of a news item. Mostly we are like "baby rape haw haw!" (no we aren't) and "look at these hilarious starving polar bears!" (Actually not that either.) But sweet Jesus fuck, North Korea. Way to machine gun 12 people for the high crime against God and country of having been in a band with someone you used to bang but now you are married so time to die.

We will include the caveat that this news comes to us from North Korea's eternal bestie, South Korea, so here is hoping it is all lies from the pit of hell.

The long and the very short of it is that pop star Hyon Song-wol was understood to be Kim Jong-un's sexxxxxy misssssstressssss and then he married this other chick, Ri Sol-ju. Hyon and Ri were in the same band together! That must have been very uncomfortable! And now Hyon and 12 other members of her band are dead, for allegedly videotaping themselves doing porno things, which seems unlikely? They were reportedly machine-gunned last week in front of a crowd of other pop stars who have now been sent to prison camps. Why? Shut up is why.

Hyon's band was responsible for a string of patriotic hits in North Korea, including "Footsteps of Soldiers," "I Love Pyongyang," "She is a Discharged Soldier" and "We are Troops of the Party." Her popularity reportedly peaked in 2005 with the song "Excellent Horse-Like Lady." [...]

Kim's wife, Ri Sol-ju, was also a member of the Unhasu Orchestra before marriage and one theory is that Ri objected to the continuing high profile of her husband's former girlfriend.

Well, it makes more sense than "porno gangbang plus they had Bibles."

Pour one out for the excellent horse-like lady, and also everyone she ever knew. North Korea, remember: you will work harder.

[ Telegraph ]