Probably Make Sure The Teen-Diddlin' Jailbird Doesn't Win Your Congressional Election Today, Virginia!

What time is it? It's time to go vote!

Hey, you guys remember sleazebag Virginia state Senator Joe Morrissey, who famously knocked up his teenage receptionist (subsequently making an honest woman of her), resigned from the House of Delegates in disgrace, pleaded down to contributing to the delinquency of a minor, won the special election to fill the seat he had just resigned FROM JAIL , had a work-release agreement to go to the Capitol each day for work and back to the jail in the evening, then several years later primaried an establishment Democrat in a safe blue district to get into the state Senate, and received a pardon from Gov. Ralph Northam for his crimes described above so he would play nice with other Democrats? Of course you do; these types of things are indelible on the hippocampus! Well, Fightin’ Joe’s back in the news again, ostensibly trying to take his show on the road to Washington DC, but maybe really just shaking things up to satisfy his narcissistic urges.

The recent death of Rep. A. Donald McEachin vacated the seat in the US House of Representatives for Virginia’s Fourth, a safe Democratic, Black-majority district anchored in Richmond and spreading down rural Southside to the North Carolina border. Gov. Glenn Youngkin has scheduled a special election in February, but the winner of that will be determined by the Democratic Party’s nomination contest: a “firehouse primary” where the party (as opposed to the state) sets up polling places around the district. Technically, it is an unassembled caucus, which was also the title of King Missile’s unsuccessful follow-up to “Detachable Penis.” Oh and guess what, that's TODAY. (Go vote, AGAIN!)

When McEachin's death was first reported, Morrissey indicated he wasn't interested in Congress , presumably because the women in our nation’s capital are too mature for his tastes. As the race began to take shape, however, the slimeball saw an opportunity. Two establishment Richmond Democrats from the state Legislature sought the nomination. State Sen. Jennifer “My Turn” McClellan, who felt it was her turn to be governor in 2021 but had that dream dashed by Old Handsome Joe Biden not making Terry McAuliffe ambassador to Ireland, feels it is her turn to go to Congress and has the support of the state party apparatus (current members of the US House of Representatives have endorsed her). Delegate Lamont Bagby, chair of the Virginia Legislative Black Caucus, is widely considered the protege of the recently departed congressman and seemed to have the support of the local party apparatus (the local NAACP, some other state legislators, the mayor of Richmond). So, Fightin’ Joe figured that all the inside baseball nerds would split between those two, and he could slide in on normal people's votes.

One main thrust of Fightin’ Joe’s current campaign is that party insiders planned the primary on a Tuesday right before Christmas to exclude the regular working man from participating. Rightwing radio maniac and and a bigwig in Trump’s Virginia campaigns John Fredericks is amplifying this message. It’s disenfranchisement! It’s voter suppression! It’s argle-bargle! It’s an incredibly rich argument coming from Republicans in a state where they fought for many years to resist any kind of reforms that would increase ballot access.

Since we don’t have voter registration by party in the Commonwealth, Fredericks is encouraging his listeners to cross over and vote for Morrissey, to own the libs. You have to pledge to support the Democratic nominee to participate in the firehose primary, but it’s just a piece of paper with no mechanism for enforcement. We can’t imagine very many Fredericks listeners even exist out there in the 4th, but at the same time, not many votes are going to be cast in this contest, maybe fewer than 10,000.

So the table has been set with two favored children and one potential spoiler. How exciting for horserace sickos! How unnerving for pearl-clutching prudes! BUT WAIT. On Wednesday, here comes US Senator Tim Kaine swinging his Big Dad Energy with an endorsement of McClellan.

On Thursday, Bagby pulled out of the primary and endorsed her as well . Everyone heaps praise on Bagby for falling on his sword and saving our darling commonwealth from the taint of being represented in Congress by Joe Morrissey.

Who knows what he’ll do with those Lamont Bagby for Congress yard signs? Also, one must wonder if the Democrats already had ballots printed, or if they’re going to use the old ping pong ball method. Seems like Morrissey is stuck in the state Senate for now, but anything could happen today. Maybe it is a touch embarrassing that a dirtbag such as Fightin’ Joe with such little effort can make the state party quake in its boots, but that’s democracy, baby!

Be sure to tune in next month to the session of the Virginia state Senate, where Morrissey will almost definitely pull some petty bullshit on McClellan!