Proud Boys Must Ask Permission Of Black Church They Vandalized To Use Their Own Name Now

Actual good news!

Feb 05, 2025

It seems like it’s been a while since we have given much thought to the Proud Boys, probably because so many of them were in prison for their actions on January 6. But now they’re out, and we have to hear about them again.

This time, however, it’s actually good, non-horrifying news, which I think we could all use right now. In fact, it is news that delights me and makes the clump of coal in my chest flutter like a little bird.

You remember that time, way back in December of 2020 when America’s most cringe violent hate group went and vandalized two churches in Washington DC and then set their Black Lives Matter banners and signs on fire while chanting “Fuck Antifa,” like normal, well-adjusted adult men? Do you remember how, in June of 2023, one of those churches, the Metropolitan African Methodist Episcopal Church, won a $2.8 million default judgment against the notoriously racist street gang?

Whell. Since the Proud Boys as a group didn’t have that kind of money just lying around, and none of them seem to have wanted to donate their trust funds, a helpful judge has figured out a way to help them pay off that debt.

On Monday, Judge/Angel On Earth Tanya M. Jones Bosier stripped the Proud Boys of their trademark, and awarded it to Metropolitan African Methodist Episcopal Church.

Does this mean that the church will get to form their own Proud Boys clubs? No, it means that if the Proud Boys want to sell any merchandise with their own branding on it, they have to ask the church for permission first. The church will also be able to collect money from any merchandise sales as well as from membership dues.

Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio, fresh out of prison after being pardoned from his 22-year sentence for seditious conspiracy by Donald Trump, responded with an especially whiny, hyperbolic and nonsensical statement.

“As a follower of Jesus Christ, I see disturbing parallels between this church's actions toward the individuals and families involved and the Pharaoh's oppression of the Israelites in the story of Moses. This church has engaged in a campaign of harassment and falsehoods, evidenced by their every filed motion,” he wrote, apparently forgetting that there is actual video of them burning the banners. While I’m not personally familiar with the parts of the Bible that were never made into a musical by either Stephen Schwartz or Andrew Lloyd Webber, I don’t think there was a section in which any Pharaohs were mad about hate crimes.

“This organization, masquerading as a church, must be subjected to a thorough audit, and its non-profit status revoked immediately,” Tarrio continued. “The judge's conduct in this case necessitates impeachment and investigation. Their actions are a betrayal of justice, reminiscent of Judas's treachery. I hold in contempt any motions, judgments, and orders issued against me.”

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That is definitely not how any of that works. I know the Establishment Clause, and a church winning a lawsuit against you for the hate crime you committed against them is not a violation of the Establishment Clause, a judge demanding that you pay your settlement is not a violation of, well, anything at all, you would have to have been friends with the church first for the Judas analogy to make any sense, and an individual cannot hold a court or a ruling against them in contempt.

Given this level of contrition, perhaps the church might want to consider using the name themselves and come out with a line of Proud Boys-branded bed bug sprays, inflatable girlfriends, jock itch creams, shoe deodorizers, and, well, probably not clown porn, because of how they are a church, but it would be pretty great.

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