Racers, Start Your Conspiracy Theories! Cars Rented By Secret Service Burn Up After Biden Trip

Authorities say blaze 'not suspicious,' but they would say that, wouldn't they?

Five rental cars recently returned by the Secret Service were destroyed or badly damaged in a fire at a lot near Nantucket Memorial Airport in Nantucket, Massachusetts, on Monday. The vehicles were among "numerous" cars rented to the Secret Service for use while President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden visited the island for the Thanksgiving holiday. Fortunately, no one was injured, and officials are saying there were no signs of foul play in the fire. The blaze did occur within 40 feet of jet fuel tanks used by the airport, but there was no damage, not even to the fence separating the lot from the tank farm.

 The Nantucket Current reports that the vehicles had all been returned to Hertz fewer than 24 hours before the fire broke out. Nantucket Fire Chief Michael Cranson said an investigation into the fire has determined it wasn't suspicious, as if such an official announcement would ever tamp down conspiracy theories. But there's already a working theory of what went wrong, if that helps:

While the official cause is undetermined, officials have focused on a white Ford Expedition as the initial source of the fire. That vehicle was under a safety recall by the manufacturer due to a faulty battery junction box that has caused fires elsewhere. While it had been scheduled for service under the recall, sources said, it had not been repaired.

OK, but you know what else has batteries that sometimes catch fire? LAPTOPS! Like the one belonging to HUNTER BIDEN!

Also Teslas, which are made by Elon Musk, who Biden is out to destroy because he's bringing free speech back to the internet! Sure, that doesn't make a lick of sense, and none of the cars that burned were Teslas, but that's no reason to spoil a good conspiracy theory.

Also too, we should probably note that while some news stories have dumb inaccurate headlines like "Five cars rented by Biden family burst into flames in Nantucket," no actual Bidens used the vehicles, only Secret Service employees. Furthermore, despite the location of the fire on Nantucket Island, no members of Radical Dirty Limerick groups have claimed involvement in the conflagration, even though that does conveniently rhyme with "vacation."

Five SUVs were totaled by the fire: that Ford Expedition that was due for recall maintenance; a Ford Explorer; a Chevy Suburban; an Infiniti QX80; and a Jeep Gladiator, which OK, is a pickup , fine. Here's a video showing the damage to the vehicles:  

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Also, surveillance video caught the fire on camera. Notice, however, that either airport authorities or the Nantucket Current censored out the start of the fire, isn't that suspicious? Oh, sure, for "time." Good cover story!

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"Fox Primetime" host Jesse Watters tried his very best to make the whole thing seem terribly suspicious, bless the poor dipshit. He said that Fox News has QUESTIONS, and that he's determined to "get to the bottom of" the mystery fire, and also just who the hell does the president of the United States think he is, going around to "snazzy" places like Nantucket? 

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Watters got some details wrong, like saying "all five" of the Secret Service's rental cars caught fire. The agency rented quite a few more than five, because that's how presidential security do. (At least the Hertz agency isn't owned by the Biden family.) He also had some very important questions, which we will happily answer to the best of our ability!

First of all, why is the president's motorcade booking Hertz rental cars?

Probably for the same reason the Secret Service books hotel rooms: it's cost-effective. Presidents generally travel with a bunch of armored vehicles, often including "the Beast," that Cadillac-shaped tank, which are flown in on Air Force cargo planes. Only a Fox News dingus would suggest that another whole fleet of vehicles be brought in for additional protection work. As it was, Watters was careful to point out that the five rental SUVs were "gas guzzlers," which clearly makes Biden a horrible hypocrite. He just ruins everything.

A question for Fox News, though: Why do the words "the president's" link right there to a story claiming Biden's "flubbed Afghanistan withdrawal" was a "propaganda gift to China?" Neither country is anywhere near Nantucket.

More thoughtful questions from Watters:

And also, look at the damage. Only the front of the cars were burned up? What's that about?

They ... were parked nose-to-nose in a parking lot? If the fire broke out in the Expedition, which does appear to be the most heavily damaged, it would burn the other vehicles' front parts? Lookit the video up there again, which is included in the Fox story, and you'll see the other SUVs all had damage that varied based on how close they were to the white Expedition, Fire Marshal Jesse.

And plus, if these cars weren't started and no one was in them, how could the engine catch on fire — hit all five cars? Alright, let's say it didn't happen randomly. If they didn't ignite on their own, then who did it? Are there any suspects? And if so, who? Are police looking into this or did the Secret Service just leave a bunch of Tasers next to, like, a hot cigarette lighter?

All pretty much answered in the Nantucket Current story, although maybe it wasn't up in time for Watters's writers to use? (The story notes the Secret Service told NBC News that it wasn't involved in the investigation, which is being handled by Hertz and local authorities.)

Also, Watters did mention Teslas catching fire, although his funny joke — "Then we remembered Biden doesn't drive electric, he just wants YOU to!" — didn't make it into the Fox News website transcript, presumably because Elon Musk must not be criticized.

In conclusion, no, not a terror plot, but Joe Biden is such a huge hypocrite, not renting pricey Teslas but also renting too many big SUVs. We bet this dumb story keeps inspiring stupid speculation anyway.

Maybe the cars had to be burned to destroy evidence of child trafficking to Nancy Pelosi's torture basement!

[ Nantucket Current / Fox News / Image generated using Stable Diffusion AI ]

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