Rand Paul Wants You To Just Say No To Heroin, Book-Learnin'

College, boy, I don't know

Dr. Rand Paul has put a pin in his prissy plaints about his dressing room not being fancy-pants enough to dole out some real good advice to the kids these days:

The main thing I would say is that nothing’s free. If someone offers you something for free, treat it as if they’re offering you heroin and think about the repercussions of what is free and what is a drug, an addicting drug like heroin and the ramifications of that. There’s nothing free. It just means somebody else is gonna pay for it, you don’t see them.

Cool, brah. Got it. Don't accept free heroin from anyone, in Dr. Rand Paul's professional self-certified medical opinion. Thanks for the tip.

Oh, but wait. Rand Paul isn't talking about drugs, literal-style. He's talking about the even more dangerous addiction Democratic dealers are trying to push on Kids These Days: free college education.

So the plumber, the welder, the carpenter, the people who don’t go to college are being asked to pay for your education. The people who are without children going to college — they're all being asked to pay for your education. What we should be asking ourselves is why the education is so expensive and what can we do to bring it down.

Right. That is how we finance public education, by asking all Americans, even the non-breeders, to pay for it. The same way we ask Americans to chip in for the Pentagon's fancy toys and boner pills and Rand Paul's salary. Public education is like that, ya see? Because it is good for all of U.S. America if we can read words good and count to however many fingers we have on our three hands.

Rand Paul might understand this basic concept if he hadn't spent his college years jerking off to Ayn Rand and pretend-kidnapping hot co-eds , while high as fuck on Aqua Buddha ganja joints of reefer, which is a gateway drug to being a senator from Kentucky.

Naturally, Dr. Rand Paul has a solution to the problem of kids shootin' up free college in back alleys. Just kidding, of course he does not. But he has an "interim" solution, until the Free Market provides something even better:

In the interim, I would allow every college student to deduct the principal and the interest — the entire cost of them going to college — and then you deduct it over your entire working career.

Sounds like a fool-proof plan, for those who enter the work force after college. As for those good family values types who decide to opt-out and stay home with their kids, ensuring sufficient parental involvement so their kids don't grow up to be criming drunk thugs, like Rand Paul's son ? Well, they'll have to eat the full cost of college, apparently. Or maybe that's one detail he just hasn't worked out yet.

Of course, one could argue that allowing college grads to deduct their education from their taxes will necessarily force childless carpenters to make up the difference with their taxes anyway. Nothing's free, like the good doctor said, and those hard Pentagon dicks gotta be paid for somehow.

But again, let's not bother with the details. Rand has a really cool other idea to drive down the cost of education. Have you kids ever heard of the internet? It's gonna be big:

I would also break up the educational monopoly, and I would allow the internet to blossom. If you had the internet blossoming, what would happen is the price per pupil would go virtually to nothing, and the internet would also connect you with the best teachers in the entire world.

If we could just find a way to make Internets happen, why, students would payalmostnothing at all, which is even better than paying actual nothing, because that's how you end up strung out chasing the education dragon. But wait, it gets better still!

Imagine a hundred professors that would be able to get together and sell their services to the entire world, not just one university, but the entire world, to convince them that they can be more financially successful and rewarded doing this, but then the pupil would get a cheaper and cheaper educational experience as it spreads throughout the world using the internet.

So in Rand Paul's America, unleash all the professors IN THE WORLD onto the internet, where they can compete against every other professor IN THE WORLD for shiny nickels from students. Fuck yeah, free market!

How those professors are supposed to make a livable wage, if they're all trying to underbid each other, well, that's another one of those details Rand will figure out later, probably. Maybetheycan deduct the cost of doing Internet professoring, so they won't go broke trying push "knowing stuff" on the masses? Ah, but nuts, that just puts even more burden on the childless carpenter, doesn't it?

Figuring stuff out sure is hard. But at least Rand Paul's "interim" higher education reform idea is dumb enough for us to at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually thunked this one up himself, inside of his own head, instead of plagiarizing it from someone else, for once.

[ BuzzFeed ]